Squandering time with The Book of Face

You may not have heard, but social networking sites are all the rage on today’s Interwebs.

We live in an era where a large percentage of social interaction has been replaced by pounding away at a plastic keyboard in front of a bright LCD screen.  Millions of users flock to sites such as Twitter, LinkedIn and Adult Friend Finder for their daily fix of social activity.  The most popular of these sites is Facebook, herein referred to as “The Book of Face.”

As recently as last year, a different site was the premier social networking destination.  In April of 2008, The Book of Face unseated chief rival MySpace from the throne.  Web traffic is difficult to accurately measure, but by some accounts, The Book of Face is the fourth most popular destination on the Interwebs.

Two years ago, MySpace profiles were ubiquitous among Americans under the age of 25.   Today, they are a superfluous novelty.  The mere mention of one’s MySpace profile provokes laughter.

“You have a MySpace page? Does it have a sparkly Lil Wayne theme?” 

The Book of Face changed the dynamic of social networking.  Gaudy, slow-loading pages decorated with hundreds of images and background music was replaced by clean, standardized profiles with compartmentalized customizable areas.  Users unknowingly traded their free-form profile pages with CSS style sheets for an extensible open-source platform.

In many ways, the demise of MySpace is somewhat surprising.  After all, The Book of Face lacks MySpace’s unique stalking features, such as the ability to find all teenage girls living within a five mile radius. 

Third-party applications are large part of The Book of Face’s success.  Enterprising developers can easily create applications for the platform.  Popular applications spread like wildfire in true Interwebs fashion. 

As the popularity of The Book of Face increased, the applications became more inane. 

::

Kelly asked me to sign the petition “Tell Petland to STOP Selling Puppies!”  I found this rather confusing, since Petland is a pet store.  Were it a petition to request that flea markets stop selling puppies, or asking Michael Vick to refrain from purchasing puppies, I would be far more interested. 

I was delighted to discover that Kristi completed the quiz “How well do you remember the 80’s?” with the result “Totally 80’s.”  I was quite relieved to learn that Kristi has an accurate recollection of the 80s.  She was born in 1969, so a spotty memory would be indicative of early onset Alzheimer’s disease or extensive drug use during her teenage years.

Dwane sent me a request using an application called “Farm Town.”  Apparently, he gave me a “sheep for my farm in farm town.”  I was touched by Dwane’s generous gift, but I am struggling to rent public storage on the South Side of Chicago which will accept barnyard animals.  Perhaps post an ad on Craigslist would help me find a suitable location.

My friend Jenn recently created a 15-question quiz entitled “How well do you know Jenn Gibson?”  Upon discovering this, I wondered, “Who cares?” 

Joanna invited me to join a group called “Stop the Use of Live Dogs as Shark Bait.”  I was not aware of such an atrocity.  I wondered what breeds of dogs were being used.  I would find it far more acceptable to fish with a poodle than a Labrador retriever.  After all, labs are cute while every poodle was whelped by Satan’s evil bride herself.  Furthermore, sharks are cool.  While I do not own a pet shark, I would assume that an individual with a shark would get top-notch pussy.  I wholly believe that the life of a poodle is a worthy sacrifice for a lifetime of great trim. 

Ben fired at me using the “Water Gun Fight” application.  The notification was peppered with clever exclamatory words, such as “ouch” and “splat” in all caps.  Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to return fire.  Ben’s enthusiasm for such applications earned him banishment from The Book of Face.

When I found out that Derek had “shot 20 friends with a pikachu squirt gun loaded with urine,” I was deeply disturbed, even though I have no idea what that means. 

Later, Derek “creamed me in a food fight.”  Normally, such an occurrence would not bother me, but Derek is wildly homosexual, and being “creamed” is not my thing. 

I was stunned to find that several of my friends had become fans of “Morning Sex” and “Sunny Days.”  To me, the ideal day consists of morning celibacy during a blizzard.  It was quite revealing to discover that my friends have such different tastes than I. 

Many of my friends have also become fans of Eminem, who has more than one million fans.  On the other hand, a character known as “Jesus Christ” has less than 400,000 fans.  To me, this begs the question: will the real lord and savior please stand up? 

::

I have come to appreciate the value of The Book of Face.  It has allowed me to reconnect with several friends from my past; boqueen and I have attended a few great parties as a result.  However, it soon became clear that for many users, the day-to-day usage of The Book of Face represented a meaningless diversion from real life.

Personally, I do not care about your zombie evasion abilities, nor am I concerned with how well you know the village of Gilberts, Illinois.  Such information is incredibly trivial, and I am preoccupied with my attempts to dodge shots from Derek’s gun full of piss. 

Furthermore, joining a “cause” on The Book of Face is the most apathetic way to promote a cause.    Ones affiliation with a cause on a social networking site has less of an effect on real life than placing a “coexist” bumper sticker on one’s car. 

I politely request that my friends not be offended when I do not accept an invitation to join a meaningless cause or if I do not participate in the latest fad application. 

I am far too busy finding out what Lady Gaga song I am. 

3 responses to 'Squandering time with The Book of Face'

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1. One of the best so far. Nice job Sean. Derek will surely “cream” that you mentioned him, several times.

   Mary

   06.20.09 01:11 PM

    

2. Oh, we’re so good at squandering our lives away…

   mizChartreuse

   06.21.09 02:32 PM

    

3. That was a great article. While I admit in indulging in such frivolous application games like ‘FarmVille’, ‘KickAss!’ and those horrendous quizzes, the Book of Face is an excellent tool to keep in contact with the various people in my life. Basically it is an advanced email system, where you can electronically communicate in different ways, and for example show pictures without clogging up the inbox or risking losing them in the post.
   What I don’t like is how the Book of Face devalues FRIENDSHIP, down to a vague level of “adding” just because someone may know someone else. People that have not seen you for decades, who’ll like walk straight past you in the street, just “add as a friend”. Where is the courtesy of writing a message to say hello? Why not send a message first with a greeting, and then ask to ‘add each other’ on the Book of Face? Adding people for the sake of it is rude and obnoxious.

   KyleM

   09.18.09 06:49 AM

    

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