bocabulary

Sometimes, it’s like my phone doesn’t even know me.

Every single day, I key the word “fuck,” or one of its variants, into my BlackBerry Pearl.  Despite the fact that the phone is equipped with a predictive text system, it consistently suggests the word “duck” when I am attempting to use my favorite four-letter word. 

Each time I type in a word that is not in the default BlackBerry dictionary, it is added to a “custom dictionary” so that the phone will recognize the word in the future.  In the nine months that I have had the phone, my custom dictionary has swollen to contain hundreds of words.  Between typing text messages, emails and notes, and using applications such as TwitterBerry, Google Maps and BlackBerry Messenger, I often use words that the device simply wasn’t trained to recognize.

While browsing the massive list, several notable words stood apart from the rest.  I am happy to present excerpts from the list – my bocabulary.

::

Aragon
Shortened form of “Aragon Ballroom,” a concert venue on the North Side of Chicago.
From text: “I can’t make it.  I’m at a grossly overpriced bar across the street from the Aragon.”

BYO
Abbreviation for “Bring Your Own,” which indicates that a restaurant does not serve alcoholic beverages, but allows customers to bring their own booze of choice.
From text: “I can’t make it.  We went to a BYO restaurant, so I am fucking tanked.” 

boner
An erect penis.
From Twitter: “Just picked up The Jonas Brothers movie on DVD. I didn’t opt for the extended version…this won’t take long. #MassiveThrobbingBoner”

bromantic
Consisting of or resembling a bromance, a close, non-sexual relationship between two men.
From Twitter: “Working on my screenplay: the world’s first bromantic comedy.”

bullocks
British English slang for “testicles.”  Often used as a less-offensive substitute for the explicative “bullshit.”
From Twitter: “Why are the tops of my beer [sic] gold? ‘Flavor Protector Lid?’ Fucking bullocks, Miller.”

burbs
Shortened form of “suburbs.”
From text: “Can’t make it to the party, I’m stuck in the burbs tonight.  FML.”

Chumbawamba
A couple consisting of two overweight individuals.
From text: “Of course the Chumbawamba was eating.  That’s what it does.”

crotchal
Of or pertaining to the area of the body located between the legs.
From text: “Pick me up lunch or I will kick you in the crotchal region…right in the vag”

depeche
Depressing English band Depeche Mode. 
I have no idea why I would have typed “Depeche;” I find the band utterly intolerable.

doo-doo
Objects resembling, or colored similar to, human feces.  For example, boqueen’s makeup.
From text: “I think you left your doo-doo butter in my car.”

Dyketha
boqueen’s former roommate; a filthy and contemptible waste of flesh.
From text: “Dyketha just got home.  Suddenly, your living room smells like a dumpster.”

ewrecktion
An erect penis that fails to reach its full potential due to the effects of alcohol.  Portmanteau of “erection” and “wrecked.”
From text: “Sorry about last night.  I blame my booze-fueled ewrektion.”

FML
Abbreviation for “Fuck My Life.”
From Twitter: “Just grabbed a can out of the fridge and took a big swig, thinking it was a beer. It was V8. #FML”

Geraci
Chicago bankruptcy lawyer Peter Francis Geraci, who became famous as a television pitchman for “Bankruptcy Info Tapes.” 
From text: “Yeah, I heard about GM.  They should call Peter Francis Geraci.”

Goofus
Comic strip character from children’s magazine Highlights.
From Twitter: “Goofus trims his fingernails while on a conference call. Gallant mutes his phone first.”

hipsters
Member of pseudo counter-culture group of 20-something douchebag clones.
From Twitter: “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of yuppies… (and hipsters).” (Digital prayer as I walked in Chicago’s Wicker Park neighborhood.)

jerrytaft
Twitter username of Chicago weatherman Jerry Taft.
From Twitter: “Outside of the ABC 7 studios, stalking @jerrytaft.  Damn it, Jerry, wave!”

Morpheus
Character played by Laurence Fishburne in the Matrix trilogy of films. 
From Twitter: “Passing through Zion. Morpheus is nowhere to be found.”

Neutron
Chicago slang for an individual that is not affiliated with a street gang.
From Twitter: “Met a nice Hispanic fellow. We shared our respective affiliations. He said ‘Latin King,’ and I said ‘Neutron, please don’t beat me up.’”

shart
Inadvertent defecation during flatulence.  Portmanteau of “shit” and “fart.”
From text: “I hate being lactose intolerant.  The pizza was great, but I nearly sharted on the way home.”

Steinbeck
American Author John Steinbeck, who one Pulitzer Prizes for his novels The Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men.
I have no idea why I would have typed “Steinbeck;” I am not a well-read individual, and I have never even touched a copy of The Grapes of Wrath. 

Teasers
Filthy bar on the North Side of Chicago that is notable for being open until 5:00 AM on weekends.
From text: “Just got home and my clothes smell like Teasers.  FML.”

TNG
Abbreviation for “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” 
From text: “I will call you back later – in the middle of a TNG marathon.” 

Trebek
Alex Trebek, host of the game show Jeopardy. Parodied in Saturday Night Live’s popular Celebrity Jeopardy skits.
From text: “Suck it, Trebek.” 

uvula
The small piece of flesh that hangs down in the back of one’s throat.
From text: “Quit bitching about your hangover.  Put your finger in your throat, flick your uvula until you puke and be done with it.”

whelp
To give birth to.  Used of various carnivores, especially dogs.
From text: “Happy Birthday, Jenn! Can you believe that you were whelped 28 years ago today?”

respond/react

name (required)

email address (required; will not be published)

website