Angry Letters, part II: Funny show, horrifying bill

One shouldn’t get pissed off at a comedy club.

The second entry in my series of angry letters concerns my expensive but entertaining experience at Zanies Comedy Club in Vernon Hills, Illinois.  This message was emailed to Bert Haas, General Manager of Zanies’ four locations. 

In the unlikely event that Mr. Haas responds, I will post his response as well. 

::

Dear Mr. Hass,

Last Friday, I was fortunate enough to attend as show at Zanies’ Vernon Hills location.  I was joined by my girlfriend, boqueen, and two other couples. 

Overall, the performers were exceptional.  All three comedians were highly entertaining, and headliner Matt Braunger offered a superb performance. 

From an entertainment standpoint, the night was highly enjoyable.  However, the service at the club was astonishingly atrocious and nearly ruined our night. 

We arrived at the club soon after the doors opened, so we were treated to excellent seats.  Each couple sat at a small table located directly in front of the stage.  Within moments, our waitress arrived.

One of the women in our party explained that we would need three separate bills for each table. The waitress agreed and proceeded to take our orders.

boqueen was struggling with her decision, knowing that Zanies is not considered fine dining for any measure.  She asked the waitress about the July special, the “Kickin’ Chicken Salad” served with a Corona.  The waitress strongly recommended the salad, noting that it was her personal favorite and “the best thing on the menu.” 

Our drinks promptly arrived moments later.  boqueen’s Corona was remarkably warm, only slightly cooler than fresh urine. 

Ten minutes later, I was served my burger.  boqueen’s salad was nowhere to be found, nor was our waitress. 

As I finished the last bites of my underwhelming burger, we finally located the waitress.  boqueen explained that she had not received her salad, which prompted the waitress to rifle through her order pad.  She confirmed that we did, in fact, order a chicken salad and apologized for the inconvenience.  The salad arrived at the table minutes later.

The salad itself was a putrid sight to behold.  The menu described the item as “breaded chicken, carrots, celery, cucumber, tomato, onion, broccoli, ranch and buffalo sauce served on a bed of shredded lettuce.”  The specifications seemed innocent enough, so boqueen decided to order it.  After all, how hard is it to screw up a salad?

Clearly, we grossly underestimated the club’s ability to serve tripe in disposable containers.

The vegetables were diced and shredded into tiny bits that hardly resembling the foods they once were.  The “breaded chicken” was minced into minute pieces and dusted with bread crumbs.  The meat looked like tuna fish, though I suggested that it was actually small pieces of ground chicken.

The salad looked much like the wretched contents one would find in the strainer of their kitchen sink after preparing an elaborate meal.  I assure you that the simple act of typing these words has triggered my gag reflex. 

boqueen was extremely hungry, so she choked down the revolting dish.  Unfortunately, the portion size was extremely small.  The entire serving was slightly larger than a tennis ball, leaving boqueen unsatisfied. 

Upon consuming the disappointing “Combo of the Month,” boqueen ordered mozzarella sticks and a cocktail.  In less than ten minutes, the mozzarella sticks arrived, but her beverage was nowhere to be found.

Once again, we summoned the waitress who apologized and returned with the drink later.

These were not isolated instances.  Forgotten drinks seemed to be a reoccurring theme that evening.  Across our three tables, the waitress was significantly tardy in serving five different drinks. 

At times, this was incredibly frustrating.  We would notify the waitress, who would apologize, then continue prowling the room from one table to another, taking orders.  Much later, the beverage would arrive.

When the show concluded, boqueen and I paid our bill and hurried outside with one of the other couples to smoke a cigarette.  The couple that we left behind was chatting with the waitress about their bill as we left.

Several minutes later, the final couple joined us outside.  They explained their dispute with the waitress.  Apparently, an 18 percent tip had been factored in to the bill.

The waitress said that the gratuity is automatically added to bills for parties of five or more.  While we sat at separate tables, she explained that we were served our food and beverages at the same time, so we were considered a single party.

Obviously, her recollection of the evening was spotty.  Throughout the night, she had neglected to serve us as a group and repeatedly failed to bring individual drinks in a timely manner.  Her contention that we had been served “at the same time” was absolutely absurd.

Furthermore, it is customary for parties of eight or more to be charged gratuity in their bills.  While Zanies’ policy is noted on the menu, we neglected to notice the small footnote.  It would have been greatly appreciated if the waitress had noted the charge when handing us the bill, since the comedy club’s policy is different than every other eating establishment in the known universe. 

Unfortunately, boqueen and I, along with one of the other couples, added a 20 percent tip on top of the bill we were provided.  The waitress received generous two tips of nearly 40 percent, which is ludicrous in light of the dreadful service she had provided throughout the evening.  

We left feeling that our wallets had been raped. 

I am fully aware that a trip to Zanies is an expensive excursion.  While I do not enjoy paying more than eight dollars for a cheeseburger or nearly seven bucks for a domestic beer, I have grown accustomed to overpaying for concessions at sporting events, concerts or comedy clubs.  I am certain that this is a key part of your business model.

However, it is appalling that the club serves rubbish such as the “Kickin’ Chicken Salad,” which closely resembles cat food served over vegetable debris.   Furthermore, the fact that the inept waitress was able to award herself such a generous tip is absolutely preposterous. 

While each of my visits to Zanies comedy clubs have been highly entertaining, I regret to inform you that I will be choosing entertainment options that are more affordable and offer culinary fare that is suitable for human consumption. 

Keep up the good work.

Warmest regards,

bokeen

2 responses to 'Angry Letters, part II: Funny show, horrifying bill'

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1. I can’t believe you left a 20% tip. Were you drunk?

   Guilmar

   09.18.09 06:07 PM

    

2. You went to a comedy club, saw three great comedians, and a wonderful show.

   You didn’t like the salad.

   WOuld you complain like this about the comedy at a Salad club?

   Point being , you sound really stupid complaining about food at a comedy club.

   Go to comedy clubs for comedy, and not salad you dumb cunt.

   Frank

   01.30.12 07:16 PM

    

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