Ode to bokeen

Last week, the world celebrated the anniversary of my birth. 

If you were not aware, my birthday is kind of a Big Deal.  All across America, flags flew in front of suburban houses.  Mail wasn’t delivered and doves cried.  Snoop Dogg lit a celebratory blunt.  President Obama declared a moment of silence at 1:46 AM Central, the precise moment of my birth.  Shaquille O’Neal and Ashton Kutcher tweeted about it.  You probably missed it all because you were asleep. 

At the stroke of midnight on my birthday, boqueen unveiled her gift for me.  She had assembled a scrapbook containing several photos of me, her and my friends, along with excerpts from her private journal written when we started dating.  There were also several quotes from my friends.  boqueen had sent out emails to my closest chums, in hope that they would share their favorite memory of me.

I hate to admit it, but I teared up like little bitch as I read through the book. And so, without further ado, I present some of my favorite excerpts.  Consider this a series of testimonials to the life-changing experience of knowing bokeen. 

::

“I remember when bokeen and I lived together.  About a month or two into us being roommates, I woke up one morning and heard a car outside.  I looked out the window and saw bokeen in his car so I didn’t think anything of it.  After an hour or so, I still didn’t see him come in the house…so I went outside to the car and then saw him wake up, get out of the car and say to me, ‘Umm, yeah, I couldn’t make it to the door so I slept in the car.’

I thought it was hilarious as he was only a couple feet from the door…the joy of living with an alcoholic!  Good times.” 
– Kasia

 

“One of the first things bokeen literally said to me (besides, “Why hello there!  Aren’t you just a dapper young lady!”) was, “That’s about as awkward as a concrete tampon.”

I also witnessed him attempting to sissy (pee-pee) on a boy’s head.  I also witnessed him hump my zebra print blanked like it was 1999.  I’m pretty sure my blanket is pregnant now.

And before I had me bokeen seven five times, he mooned me on my porch and left an assprint on my glass patio door.”
- DurtyDee

 

“I know it is a little risqué, but it really is my favorite memory; at least the funniest.  bokeen came upon the news that a male was being requested at the site where an all-girls party was being held.  It was Jenny’s birthday and a gaggle of girls were gathered at her home to partake in the drunken festivities.  After much Captain Morgan and blue vodka, the girls started drunk-dialing all the brave gentlemen they knew to see if anyone would mind coming over to ‘dance.’  No nudity was required, but it would not be shunned, either.  bokeen arrived, half in the bag from the case of beer he had drank in preparation for the booty shakin’ shimmy he was about to perform.  He proceeded to shake his monkey maker to I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred.  He even did the butt floss!!!  The Sugar Shack has never seen talent like that boy!”
- Tanj

 

“Every time we are in an elevator with someone we don’t know, he will say something so embarrassing and so loudly that I consider hitting the emergency button just to escape the next several seconds of mortification that I have to spend with my fellow elevator riders.  Really, any time we are in public, bokeen does something JUST TO EMBARRASS THE HELL OUT OF ME and then asks why I care, because they are, after all, strangers.  It’s at a good reminder to not care what people are thinking of you all the damn time.” 
- Perplexis

 

“It gets bigger!”
- Dani and Feltch, recalling my explanation after they had inadvertently seen my flaccid penis. 

 

“The first time I met bokeen, he announced that he hates the environment because it competes for attention with him.  This was within the first ten minutes.  I knew I was in for a treat.  His creation of the BOOM! CHRIST BOMB shot is also classic.  I  believe it’s one part vodka, one part blood of Christ.” 
- CC

 

“We pee in alleys together…get over it!”
- System of Adan

 

“Simple memory: bokeen being the only one at [company parties] that is appreciative of and will to assist in making asshole faces in every photo.  Also, yelling, ridiculous bokeen with a cigarette throwing a clipboard at softball with a look that he is about to charge the umpire.”
- Nugget

 

“Here’s some irony for you: I think I can say, in the most heterosexual of ways, that you are someone I feel like I’ve been friends with forever.  And I barely even know you.  What’s that all about?

[Editor’s note: several thousand words removed in the interest of conserving space.]

So I’ll wind this up because I’m starting to get bored thinking about you.  I’d rather think about Megan Fox feeding me grapes in a hammock on some tropical island, or why the chicken crossed the road.  And I guess I’ll have to end it with some Hallmark type bullshit.  So here goes:

Through it all, hangin’ tough,
We’ll stay side by side.
We’ll be friends forever,
‘Til the end of time.

Friends forever.
We’ll be friends,
Talkin’ ‘bout friends.
Always will be there,
Yeah, yeah friends.
Always be friends.
We’ll be friends together.
Yes we will,
Yes we will,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh.

Alright.  Those are the lyrics to Friends Forever from Saved by the Bell.  Sorry. But that song still makes me cry like a gay from Cali who just got word of Prop 8.”
– Shak   

 

“The night of our company party, I had a broken arm.  I was a total train wreck.  My boss was feeding me drinks and I was on Vicodin.  Needless to say, I was out very quickly.  bokeen was recruited to take care of me and, to everyone’s surprise, he actually did so willingly.  He made sure I didn’t pass out in the bathroom, got me water and generally kept me alive until we got to our coworker’s house for the after party. 

At our coworker’s house, I was, all of a sudden, fine and he was a mess.  So I switched to caretaker mode and made sure he was alright while at the after party.  That’s my favorite thing about bokeen; no matter who ‘mean’ he appears to be toward me, I know he’s always got my back and he knows I’ve always got his.”
– Whorey Povich

::

Thanks to all my friends and family for the birthday wishes, celebratory toasts and amazing gifts.  The past few days have been absolutely incredible.  Unfortunately, my liver has filed a restraining order against me, so I may have to refrain from drinking for a while.

Who am I kidding?  I am drinking a beer as I write this.

This concludes the warm and fuzzy sentiments; douchebaggery will resume later this week. 

2 responses to 'Ode to bokeen'

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1. [Editor’s note: several thousand words removed in the interest of conserving space.]

   …and maintaining my dignity

   Shak

   07.20.09 11:56 PM

    

2. i am ALMOST ashamed that i gave birth to you. what is with that strippin’ thing? we’ll have to talk.

   Ma

   07.22.09 05:13 PM

    

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