Craigslist Chaos

We have a saying where I come from: “MySpace is for rapists and stalkers; Craigslist is for rapists and hookers.” 

Both sites are part of the seedy back-alley of the information superhighway.  While Craigslist is a flourishing marketplace for buyers and sellers of assorted crap, it also a place for desperate people to meet one another. 

The personal ads on Craigslist are highly entertaining.  Pathetic introverts post ads in hopes of meeting their perfect mate, or at least an adequate receptacle for one’s semen. 

Naturally, I felt a strong desire to interact with these mooks.  I set up a fake email account and adopted the moniker “Harry Seaword.”  Harry is the man of many faces who will serve as my persona on Craigslist. 

I posted several personal ads and responded to others.  I received several emails; some were spam, others were rather mundane.  I saw potential in some of the messages and engaged the aforementioned mooks.  The results were highly entertaining.

I proudly present the first installment in the Craigslist Chaos series.  All names will be changed to protect the identities of the innocent.  These messages are completely unedited, so please bear with the intentional grammar and spelling errors of the Harry Seaword character and the respondent. 

::

The ad:
Rocker boy seeking sexy rocker girl
I just moved her from Milwaukee and I want to meet some new people. Im 23 tall and skinny and I have my lip and eyebrow piersed. I am in a band and I have alot tattoos – i hope thats a turnon!

I am looking for a girl who likes to party and rock out. my band plays alot of shows at small bars and then we party and throw down. hope u can keep up lol!

 

Moments after the ad was posted, a young lady named Kara responded.  She wrote:
whats uP?? I’m Kara….i mean i’m 18 well will be very shortly….I love music and i love going to shows…i’ve got my lip and ears pirced…and i love tatoos, i can’t wait to get mine….i dont’ know anyone..so i’m looking for a friend and maybe something more…idk….Im just me…if your interested….let me know…

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
hey Kara.  it’s cool to here that you are into music like me.  idk…this is weird, i havent done the craigslist thig b4. 

tell me more about u.  where are you from?  wanna trade pics.

also what tattoo are u gettin?

 

Kara wrote:
oh gosh…so many…to many to list…haha :D umm i’m giong to be attedning the american academy of art i love photography…I’m a singer, i’ve been singing since i was 2. Umm i don’t know what else to say….

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
what you goin to the american academy of art for?  what’s your major?
what kind of music do you sing?  also wanna trade pics?

 

Kara wrote:
 im going for photography and illustration, ummm send me a picture i’ll send youmine in return…i need to take some newer ones…most deff. umm i sing anything i guess…haha :D

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
ok, here’s some pics. 

you said that u sing r u in a band?

 

Kara wrote:
i’m working on it..it takes a while to upload them on here it makes me mad….umm yea….so how old are you ?

 

Kara wrote:
nope….we tried that and it didn’t work very well so i do more just like solo/duet stuff…idk…umm idk….wow…your really cute…i love your tats…you’ll have to tell me a good tat shop to go to …when i get mine done….umm the pics i’m sending i look really preppy in …..it’s just we were going out with the family and i culdn’t wear any black and yea…so but yea…haha….i’m not to attractive tho…i’m sorry :(…. so what bands do you like ? i love coheed and cambria and slipknot….my all time favorits with frank sinatra haha i’m wierd i know….
(Pictures omitted to preserve the privacy of the innocent.)

 

Kara wrote:
let me know if you get them…

 

Kara wrote:
did you get them ?

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
sorry i didnt get back to you last night i signed off kinda early

i’m not a big fan of coheed or slipnot…i am really not into too much commerical shit. i am into some more indie hardcore groups like drilling the void, mercury shoes and the wrong side of reason.

i sing a little bit of backup vocals, but i basiclly stick to drums.

thanks for the pics.  your right, you arent very attractive.  r u fat?

 

Kara wrote:
well your blunt arn’t you….i’m sorry ..and no i’m not fat unless a size 10 is fat……i’m sorry for wasting your fucking time….

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
sorry if i came across rude!  you were the 1 who said you werent attractive.  i was joking around, your not wasting my time

 

Kara wrote:
that was a bit…i’m working on it…..so calm down i just want a friend…..i don’t kno wanyone up there im comng from a small town….ok and yes i know i’m not freakin’ hot or pretty or anything i know this but damn…..i mean i don’t really aim to please people….i do my own thing…..i attempt tobe attractive and it don’t work ……

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
damn girl, you got some serious self confidence problems.  don’t get me wrong, I am into emo and shit, but its not like i cut myself or anything like that.

 

Kara wrote:
i don’t cut anymore…..haha i havn’t cut for like 3 years…..:D and yes i have self confidence issues cuz my dad is always telling me i’m fat and my brother is always calling me a whore and you telling me i’m ugly didn’t exactly help….

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
wow.  again, you called yourself ugly 1st.  how the fuck was i supposed to respond 2 that?

you should’t let that stuff bother you.  your dad is wrong because you said you are not fat.  but are you a whore?  i mean do you suck alot of cocks or anything like that?

 

Kara wrote:
 i’ve been with 2 guys in my whole llife…and i don’t think thats a whore….and that satement was trying to get a reaction out of you to see if you thought i was semi attractive to you but obviously i’m not…..haha :D oh’ well i don’t really care….cuz there are plenty of guys who think i’m pretty….. guess…:D idk….i’m a bitch …i know i am…and i’m not really fat…unless like i said a size 10 is fat…which i don’tthink so…..i mean i use to be smaller….idk….but my bones were like sticking out f my body it was gross…haha :D calm down…..i just want to know at least one person in chicago well starting to get to know one person…..

 

(At this point, I broke character.)                      
Harry Seaword wrote:
Thank you for that rambling response.

Just to be clear: size 10 is fat.  And i know you’ve only been with two guys, but there is still hope for you. 

You should just blow more dicks.  You know how the old saying goes: "Why are fat girls good at giving head? Because they have to."

If you just admit that you are fat and become more of a whore, you won’t get all upset when your family calls you a fat whore, because it will be true.

You are already halfway there!

 

Kara wrote:
ok….and no i’m not going to become a whore….and a size 10 is not fat….i hate to break it to you…haha….i’ve been wth 2 guys b/c i’ve chosen to be with only 2 guys and not fuck the first THING that comes crawling to me….haha oh’ well….i hope you find the air brushed whore your looking for..

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
Right.  You’ve only granted two men access to the droopy meat flaps that you call your vagina – by choice?  Face it kid, men are not lining up to mate with a beast like you.  I’ve seen the pictures.

I’m not really after "air brushed."  That’s not what I am in to.  I just like a woman who doesn’t look like a shaved Sasquatch.  I also prefer women who are slightly smaller than a Toyota Corolla.  Call me weird, but attractive, normal-sized girls are just my thing.   

 

Kara wrote:
whatever floats your boat….but hold on…i’ll show you….hold on…

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
Okay, I am holding on! 

 

Kara wrote:
you honestly think thats fat ?? i think thats what just about everyone down here looks like..the average size of a normal woman….haha :D
yep….got that from dancing and soccer….haha :D

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
Oh my God!  I was SO wrong.  I have a massive, throbbing boner right now.

No, just kidding.  That is fucking gross.  Are those your thighs?  Why are they so big?  Do you take steroids or something? 

Sorry, but you are certainly fat.  I showed the pictures to my girlfriend and she agrees. 

 

Kara wrote:
thats from playing baseball,soccer and dancing….if you have a gf then why the fuck are you on craigslist ? jeeze…the guys are getting worse and worse….oh’ well….haha i don’t relaly care….but what ever….

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
If by "playing baseball, soccer and dancing," you mean "going to Old Country Buffet, Steak and Shake and Taco Bell," then I believe you.

Put the burrito down and step away from the computer, ma’am.  Obesity is a major problem in America today. 

 

Kara wrote:
oh’ you make me laugh…haha oh’ well and yes it is but hun…i’m not obese….i weigh 136 pounds….maybe 38 haha :D idk bt i go to the gym 6 days a week and work out so idk what your talking about…what ever…….

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
What-EVER!

 

Kara wrote:
yep…..whatever…have fun… :D haha

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
What-EVER!

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
Kara, please reply.  I was just kidding. 

Please don’t be mad at me!  I think I am falling in love with you. <3

 

Kara wrote:
you are about stupid…..i was busy…

 

Harry Seaword wrote:
Getting busy? Good work, girl.  I knew your future was in indiscriminately fucking guys.

2 responses to 'Craigslist Chaos'

subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'Craigslist Chaos'.

1. It looks like you’ve found a new great series! I hope that there’s many more “Fun With Craiglists” posts to come!

   Conor

   07.23.09 01:17 AM

    

2. “I just like a woman who doesn’t look like a shaved Sasquatch. I also prefer women who are slightly smaller than a Toyota Corolla.”
   I can’t believe she kept talking to you after that. Nice one Mr. Seaword.

   Guilmar

   07.24.09 06:00 PM

    

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