The Fatchelor: “More to Love” review, part II

Fellow blogger mizChartreuse and I collaborated on this review of More to Love, Fox’s reality program, which is essentially a version of The Bachelor featuring fat fucks.  Part one of the review can be found on mizChartreuse.com. 

bokeen:
The vast majority of reality show contestants are detestable characters, willing to nosh on live bugs at Joe Rogan’s behest or give Bret Michaels a tugger for their shot at worldwide fame.  However, the participants in More to Love are a particularly morose lot of individuals.

The chunky contestants competing for Luke’s hoof in marriage are shamelessly willing to exploit their obesity on national television.  In the show’s first episode, the women were not only characterized by name, home town and occupation, but by their height and weight as well, as if it were a boxing match. 

Side note: You actually wonder if a reality show could exist with a slender fellow vying for the heart of a cubby broad?  It could happen: the bachelor would have to be a black dude, and the contestants would be fat, white girls.  That is how the universe works. 

mizChartreuse:
I almost want to feel bad for these girls, but they actually are bringing this upon themselves. If I were on a reality TV show like America’s Next Top Model, I would hold myself responsible for any stupid thing that came out of my mouth, however deceivingly edited by the show’s producers.

Like Sandy. Who told Luke upon the introductions that she was born and raised in Iowa and would one day teach him “how to milk a cow.” And subsequently got sent home after the first night.

GIRL! Don’t talk about cows when you’re on a show about overweight people. You’re asking for it.

 

bokeen:
Of all the contestants, I find Melissa’s behavior particularly abhorrent.  Over the course of two episodes, she has spent over 72,451 hours crying during the one-one-one interview sessions. 

I have always believed that the tears of a fat person are comprised of pure vegetable oil, rather than the saltwater that is excreted from the tear ducts of normal-sized people.  Operating under this assumption, Melissa has shed enough oily tears to provide McDonalds’ with enough cooking oil for French fries through the third quarter of 2011.  Unfortunately, Melissa’s tears are not free of Trans fats.

 

mizChartreuse:
“You’re an ANGEL,” Michelle, the woman who decidedly said she would never be the “dieting type” swooned, after Luke sent her home. Really? He CANNED YOUR ASS and you’re still complimenting and thanking him? You DON’T know that he’s an angel! Grow some balls, woman!  On second thought, don’t grow anything more. In fact, do the opposite.

“I wish I were 50 pounds lighter,” a girl in her early 20s cried.

Nothing irritates me more than people wishing and hoping for something while their actions advocate the exact opposite.

 

bokeen:
Fat to Love is chock full of irony.  During the first episode, Danielle jumped into the mansion’s pool in her evening gown in an effort to attract Luke’s attention.  She reasoned that such outrageous behavior would set her apart from the other contestants. 

The stable of bovine contestants commented on Danielle’s behavior, and the 25-year-old makeup artist named Bonnie offered the most entertaining remarks of the evening.

“She looked like an otter,” the 215-pound contestant said of Danielle, who is 20 pounds lighter than her. 

“I’m not really a fan of people going to super extremes for attention,” Bonnie noted, neglecting the fact that she utilizes makeup to render her complexion as pale as Marilyn Manson’s.  In addition, Bonnie’s entire right upper arm is adorned with a gigantic tattoo, a doughy montage to the Goth image she attempts to portray.

Bonnie fails to realize that her entire persona is designed as a “super extreme” method of attracting attention.  There is something to be said about glass houses and stones, but I am not good with proverbs. 

 

mizChartreuse:
All you have to say is that the majority of these girls are nuts. As someone who’s been in a number of explosive relationships over the last eight years, I know a thing or two about what works and what does not, and I write and advise my girl friends about it. And a lot of the time, the fault lies in the woman’s hands: we have the tendency to become psycho Bunny Boilers or do other things that completely turn men off.

And Kristian, while cute in the face, has the most potential to be a BBW—Bunny Boiling Woman. She has immediately fallen head over heels In Luv With Luke, even saying that her mother would think he’s the “perfect man” with whom she’s “meant to spend the rest of her life.” Bitch, I’ve thought that about half the guys I’ve dated at some point (although it was usually short-lived). “He’s everything I could ask for,” she gushes in her testimonials, eyes bugging out. Really? YOU’VE SPENT A TOTAL OF SEVEN MINUTES WITH HIM.

During the second elimination ceremony, she looked as though she was about to pass out before he finally selected her, last of the 12 chosen ones, for dramatic effect, of course (the criers, catty bitches and drama queens generally make it far on these type of shows).

Note to women: desperation is a turn-off. So is neediness, intense initial emotional attachment, and saying freakish things such as “we could be together…FOREVER” on your first date (which happens to be along with seven other women).

GET A FUCKING GRIP.

 

bokeen:
Kristian’s undying devotion to Luke after two short episodes – and what we are led to believe is a period of slightly longer than one week – is utterly remarkable.  After splitting Luke’s attention with 15 other heifers, she is actually convinced that she and Luke are The Perfect Match Brought Together by Destiny (and Fox Broadcasting Company, a subsidiary of News Corporation.)

Despite my criticism, More to Love is incredibly compelling television.  Unlike most reality programming, the contestants are not implant-wearing skeezers hoping to find their ticket to fame at the end of Flavor Flav’s wrinkled phallus.  Rather, they are genuine buffalo chicks, who have spent the better share of their lives being rejected by the opposite sex due to the presence of flabby flaps of flesh that obscure access to their genitals.

In many ways, More to Love is an accurate depiction of America.  Depressed, gargantuan women spend their lives roaming bars and nightclubs in hopes of finding a beefy suitor willing to accept them despite their flaws.  Meanwhile, the people fortunate enough to have a slim waistline – the minority in America – sit on the sidelines and mock the courtship of the portly.

Fox was kind enough to bring this slice of Americana to our television screens every Tuesday night. 

 

mizChartreusue:
It seems this show is intended to pull at the heartstrings and make us empathize with those who struggle with weight, but it also feeds on their issues, pun intended. The girls are seen drinking wine and having hors d’oeuvres—but unlike what you’d see on Rock of Love, the More to Love cocktail hour snacks are MEAT STICKS.

I shit you not. Meat. On A Stick. Covered In Sauce.

If you hate being fat, get off your ass and DO SOMETHING about it. Nothing’s sadder than a woman who whines and complains about being single and hating her big ass while she’s chowing down on half-pound burgers and mindlessly munching on meat sticks. And I personally hear it all too often in the day-to-day. Maybe being a normal-bodied woman in a good relationship, I can’t relate—but I live by the philosophy of GO BIG or GO HOME. Pun intended?

 

bokeen:
I was blessed with the metabolism of a jackrabbit addicted to methamphetamines, so I share in your contempt for chubby folk.  And while I possess a burgeoning beer gut, I feel fortunate that I will never have floppy tits hanging from my torso as Luke does.

That said, I feel somewhat guilty for relishing in the plight of the ghastly sloths that are featured on More to Love.  While it is entertaining to poke fun at a dating game for individuals with pure cholesterol running through their veins, I feel like a gaper after a gruesome accident on the Kennedy.  What I am watching is absolutely disgusting, triggering my gag reflex.  Yet I cannot look away.

The saddest part is that Luke and many of the contestants have accepted their fat plight.  They embrace the concept of being a large, wrinkly sack of flesh and inevitably facing heart disease or any of the other conditions that afflict the oversized mammals that roam this country leaving large footprints and pools of sweat in their wake. 

 

mizChartreuse:
“Life’s too short to worry about counting calories,” the suitor states in the opening scenes as he barbecues with his male friends. Actually, Luke, YOUR life is going to be SHORT because you just ate six hot dogs in one sitting, which is probably five times the amount of calories you should be eating in a DAY. THAT’S why life’s short, you fat bastard!

Now, I’m not being fat-cist; I have large friends. But when you whine about how horrible your life is because you’re fat, and you say this with your mouth full while gorging yourself, then you really need to SHUT THE HELL UP (and stop talking shit about smaller, healthier people…you’re doing it to yourself!)

The producers should make Luke and his decided bride-to-be go on The Biggest Loser after the finale and whip them into shape, rather than glorifying and coddling the fact that they’re large. Now THAT I would watch.

 

bokeen:
An even better ending would be for Luke and his chosen wildebeest to televise their honeymoon on pay-per-view.  As they frantically consummate their relationship in a hotel room while chomping on meat sticks, one of them would certainly suffer a fatal heart attack.  The screen would fade to black.  Next, a PSA for the American Heart Association would appear, cautioning viewers about link between obesity and heart disease.

It would be sad, but America would learn a lesson.  And I would pay $49.95 to see that.

Like all reality programming, More to Love is an escapist entertainment pursuit which allows viewers to forget about their own mundane lives and feel sorry for mournful exhibitionists that voluntarily participate in these degrading spectacles.

While I am a douchebag full of cocky self-confidence, More to Love makes me feel even better about myself.  I’ve gained about 20 pounds over the last couple of years, yet I know that I will never have breasts that are worthy of a brassiere.  Likewise, I am able to see my own testicles without the aid of a hand mirror.  That is a good thing.

Most importantly, I feel fortunate that I have a slender, confident, beautiful girlfriend that will never need to wear Spanx to improve her appearance. 

But if boqueen ever gets fat, I’m kicking her black ass to the curb.

4 responses to 'The Fatchelor: “More to Love” review, part II'

subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'The Fatchelor: “More to Love” review, part II'.

1. “Side note: You actually wonder if a reality show could exist with a slender fellow vying for the heart of a cubby broad? It could happen: the bachelor would have to be a black dude, and the contestants would be fat, white girls. That is how the universe works.”

   I would actually contest that. I have observed many times skinny, white dudes that love the chub. And I’m not just talking about slender men. I’m talking about those that look malnurished. I think it might be fat envy because those types of men typically couldn’t gain five pounds if they followed the Super-Size Me diet for a year. I can think of several examples of this but I won’t mention any names in order to conceal their identity but let’s just say one of their names rhymes with Schamark Schmarhodes.

   And I almost got into an accident after reading your description of fat women’s tears. Boom. Awesome Fat Bomb.

   Carrianne Carallis

   08.05.09 08:46 AM

    

2. You have such a lovely way of complimenting, only to end on a one-liner that is more likely to happen to YOU!

   boqueen

   08.05.09 12:13 PM

    

3. I think these girls need to compete with that dude from Man vs Food. That’d be more entertaining to me.

   Shak

   08.05.09 03:52 PM

    

4. I forgot to add: “white ass.”

   boqueen

   08.05.09 05:15 PM

    

respond/react

name (required)

email address (required; will not be published)

website