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subscribeThings that I hate that everyone else seems to think are so fucking wonderful
posted: 08.05.09 at 10:30 PM
filed under: personal
As a highly opinionated person and a prolific writer on the Interwebs, I feel that it is my duty to express my disdain when I think something sucks.
Some opinions have become a part of conventional wisdom. For example, we all can agree that The Jimmy Fallon Show is horrendous. Likewise, it is not difficult assemble a group of individuals and reach a consensus that The Beatles are one of the greatest rock bands ever. While these are subjective statements, they have become generally accepted as fact.
There are times when my opinions are at odds with conventional wisdom. Whether in the realm of music, movies or fashion, there are many things that most people enjoy that I find abhorrent.
I proudly present a brief list of such items, entitled Things that I hate that everyone else seems to think are so fucking wonderful.
::
Hummus
I don’t even know what Hummus is. When my friends describe hummus, they explain that the creamy substance that contains “chickpeas.” I am a white man that was born in America; I have no fucking clue as to what chickpeas are.
Hummus looks like baby shit, and it does not possess a discernable taste. I am convinced that it the Arab equivalent of Cheez-Whiz. In the Middle East, people who spread hummus onto pita chips are probably known as “brown trash.”
I have a simple rule when it comes to food: if it resembles infant shit, you should not eat it. Hummus looks like baby feces. I could easily switch you plate of hummus with a fresh number two from the bowels of my infant niece, and you would have no idea. These are the types of risks that I do not take when eating food.
Pink Floyd
I can summarize Pink Floyd’s music in two words: “fucking depressing.” My old man is a Vietnam vet who used to smoke massive doobies and wear epic sideburns. He actively attempted to introduce me to his music. I enjoy most of it. I thoroughly enjoy The Beatles, Clapton, The Stones, The Grateful Dead and Led Zeppelin. Yet Pink Floyd’s music never moved me. It made we want to eat some Wellbutrin.
I always wondered if the blokes behind Pink Floyd were incapable of feeling happiness.
I first saw The Wall when I was 20. At an age when my pubic hair contained more THC than the average Mexican weed, I was completely unable to enjoy the flick. Even in my inebriated state, I was horrified by the juxtaposition of slow, depressing music and intentionally disturbing imagery. Fans of the band saw it as an expressive, artistic piece of work; I was inspired to stick the corkscrew of a Swiss Army knife into my eye.
Dane Cook
Comedian Dane Cook has experienced remarkable success, yet I don’t find a semblance of humor in his act. To me, he is the stand up equivalent of a radio “shock jock,” willing to spout lewd and boorish jokes in an effort to make his audience chuckle uncomfortably. I don’t find his humor the least bit offensive; rather, I find his act to be loutish, uninspired material.
Cook synthesizes the outlandish styles of blue comics such as George Carlin, Richard Prior and Louis C.K., then dumbs down his material to make it palatable to today’s mouth-breathing consumers. It is not the least bit surprising to learn that Cook leveraged the power of lowbrow social networking site MySpace in his rise to fame.
The fact that Cook used his loud and sophomoric musings about taint punching to become one of the most popular comedians in the country in an indictment of our collective tastes as Americans, and it is precisely why the terrorists want us all dead.
Capri pants
Women seem to be unable to understand that their calves are not sexy. Not at all. While legs are sexy, approximately 96% of the sexiness is contained in the thighs. The calves are just there to support the rest of the chassis.
After all, “calf” is a homonym for “baby cow.” It is a body part that is inherently unattractive.
Yet summer after summer, broads in Chicago proudly sport capri pants. I find this trend to be abhorrent, as capri pants are no more appealing than a pair of well-fitting jeans.
If I were King of America, capri pants would be banned in favor of summer dresses.
The Transformers movies
I consider myself an avid geek. Growing up, I was a fan of the Transformers cartoon series and owned many of the toys. Yet, inexplicably, I find myself unable to enjoy the Transformer movies.
Combined, the two movies grossed more than $1.5 billion. While the sequel released this summer was met with unfavorable reviews by critics, it was still a box office hit. I feel left out.
I watched the first movie with my nephew, Lil bokeen, who was four at the time. His enthusiasm for the franchise that I had been a fan of more the two decades earlier was intriguing. As we watched the complex CGI fight scenes, he was in awe, breathlessly remarking “cool!” Meanwhile, I felt like Abraham Simpson, confused and disturbed by the twisted masses of computer generated metal rapidly flying across the screen.
Fortunately for Lil bokeen, he is far too young to critique a movie based upon its cinematic merits; at the time, he felt that Go Diego Go! was the most compelling entertainment in the universe. On the other hand, I was unable to enjoy the performance of Shia LeBeouf. I feel that he simply stands around, making faces and reading lines rather than actually acting. Unfortunately, LeBeouf’s casting in the latest Indiana Jones flick made it clear that Steven Spielberg is deeply engaged in an incomprehensible bromance with the young actor and that he will be a fixture of summer blockbusters for years to come.
LeBouf could very well be the worst thing to happen to Hollywood since Nicolas Cage.
9 responses to 'Things that I hate that everyone else seems to think are so fucking wonderful'
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Nice post. I too hate the Pink Floyd. Horribly dour.
Vanessa
08.05.09 10:42 PM
Hummus is great snack food. And I quite enjoy the fact that I am ingesting infant turd.
The fact that you don’t like Pink Floyd means that you need to be depressed more often. Dark Side of the Moon is probably one of the greatest musical feats I’ve ever heard in my life.
I have NEVER EVER liked Dane Cook. I mean, you’re hyper and you’re white, and usually that’s a simple recipe for “damn irritating” in my book, but I feel like I could have an insightful conversation with you, whereas with Dane Cook, I’d be killing brain cells. And I’d rather do that by drinking.
I’m iffy on capri pants. Sometimes I find them cute. Other times I think jeans are cute. Butt-nekkid is also “cute”. I know. I’m a complicated man.
And finally, I have to say that I couldn’t agree with you more about the Transformers movies. What a steaming pile of infant turd
Shak
08.05.09 11:00 PM
Your description of hummus and Pink Floyd cause another one of my crying fits. Well done sir.
CC
08.05.09 11:00 PM
Wow, so deep man. Making fun of Dane Cook AND Transformers movies? Honestly though, how is this blog post any better or funnier than the typical boring Dane Cook Monologue?
“ooh, Capri pants piss me right off! Look everybody, I’m edgy!” Sure you are pal. Sure you are.
uostwiS .r dewoH
08.05.09 11:51 PM
I still fail to understand what you mean by saying that calves are not sexy. I think the leg as a whole makes a leg sexy. Take this, for example: when a woman gains weight and becomes morbidly obese, most of that weight goes right to the midsection, hips and thighs, resulting in pudgy cellulite. The calves stay virtually unchanged, unless the woman has managed to put on so much weight that even the bottom half of her legs become doughy (which also does happen).
For legs to be sexy requires a nice balance between calf and thigh, so that the leg as a whole is an attractive appendage.
mizChartreuse
08.06.09 06:30 PM
This is a real good one.Enjoyed the shit out of it.
Hummus – I agree that it looks like baby shit, but then again, I just love refried beans. I wouldn’t mind trying it. Hey, did you ever have collard greens? They are actually pretty good. But I know you have a problem with cabbage.
Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of The Moon” was absolutely my favorite in the late 70′s when I was partying in Schiller Woods getting stoned. (This more that likely explains why you turned out the way you did.) However, I played it a couple of months ago and found it quite depressing. Had to put Michael Jackson on and dance to “Billy Jean” to get over that episode. Pathetic.
Dane Cook – no clue.
Capris – I agree with mizChartreuse on this one. When they first “resurfaced” about 6 or 7 years ago, I thought they were ridiculous. They brought me back to my Barbie days and I thought they would never last as a fashion statement. However, I came to embrace them in time. In fact, it was only last week that Rick Slate complimented me on my calves!!!!! He said “You have beautiful calves!” I replied “Moo, you pig!” He replied “Oink!”
Transformers – I sat with Lil Bokeen and tried to absorb it but couldn’t. Wish I could ’cause I was really looking forward to it.
Hope that I am not rambling, but I gotta tell you that Lil Bokeen could not stand to look at that hummus, or even refried beans! He is such a fussy eater anyway. I can still chuckle over the time when Jezebel took a shit on the porch and he was gagging!!!!
Ma
08.08.09 10:54 PM
@uostwiS .r dewoH – I’m certainly not trying to be “edgy,” and I fail to understand the comparison between my writing and Dane Cook’s act.
If I were trying to by edgy, Dane Cook style, I’d probably use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS to emphasize a point as if I WERE YELLING, much like Cook does. Also, I would be sure to pepper my posts with much more profanity, purely for shock value. Finally, I’d find some way to incorporate audio clips of sounds that I make with my mouth for cheap laughs. These changes would make this site far worthy of comparison to Dane Cook’s hackneyed act.
Finally, take a look at the archives. Over the course of the eight months that I’ve been writing here, I’ve covered a far wider range of topics than Dane Cook has during his entire comic career.
bokeen
08.09.09 10:01 PM
@mizChartreuse and @Ma – Consider this: I think we can all agree that dwarfs are funny looking. When an individual is as tall as child, yet has the long arms and the head of an adult, it is inherently humorous. They are not quite children and not quite adults; it is this odd juxtaposition that makes them hilarious.
I feel the same way about carpi pants. They are a little longer than shorts, but not long enough to be proper pants. They defy classification, much like dwarfs. As a result, they look silly.
Can you imagine a dwarf wearing little capri pants? That would be fucking priceless.
bokeen
08.09.09 10:07 PM
@Ma – Thank you revealing the cause of my dementia to the world. Do you assume that I’ve tried collard greens because boqueen is black? How racist.
Also, you are a better person for not knowing who Dane Cook is. Keep it that way.
bokeen
08.09.09 10:11 PM