The Fatchelor: “More to Love” episode 3 review, part II

Once again, mizChartreuse and I collaborated on this review of the lastest episode of More to Love, Fox’s reality program, which is essentially a version of The Bachelor featuring fat fucks.  Part one of the review can be found on mizChartreuse.com. 

bokeen:
After a enchanting evening listening to Danielle talk incessantly while shoving gobs of food into her gullet, Luke hand-picked Heather as his next date.  Luke felt sympathetic for Heather, as she had become seasick during last week’s group date on a yacht.  She was too busy blasting vomit over the side of the boat to spend any quality time with Luke, so he treated her to an afternoon date so that she could learn more about the bachelor’s mundane existence.

Combined, the couple weighs more than 500 pounds.  Transporting such heavy freight is a logistical nightmare.  They were both packed into large crates and a loaded semi-trailer truck.  Upon being unloaded and unpacked, Heather was delighted to find that she and Luke would spend the afternoon horseback riding. 

The horses were shocked when they saw the sheer mass of the individuals that would be climbing onto their backs.  One horse desperately clutched a rosary and recited prayers, while the other horse trembled as it nervously sipped from a flask.

One of the horses neglected to don boxer briefs that morning, so Heather was quick to note that one of the horses was male, while the other was female.

“It’s like we’re double-dating the horses,” she remarked as they rode, moments after noshing on a bale of hay with their livestock brethren. 

Heather also reasoned that the horses were not harmed by her and Luke’s large weights, due to the fact that “they carry wagons.”  It was my understanding that horses pulled wagons, not carried them.  Apparently, they don’t teach such information at her alma mater, Old Country Buffet. 

After riding the horses directly to the offices of an equestrian cardiologist, the couple shared a tender moment.  Heather ruminated on her aspirations to become a musician, and how her gargantuan stomach presented a barrier to entry into the entertainment industry, as well as into her vagina. Such tales of the plight of fat folks have become commonplace on The Fatchelor, and the obligatory sorry piano music began to play in the background.  I believe the song was Woe is Me by Emma B. Clichéd. 

 

mizChartreuse:
You just made me laugh until I cried, not gonna lie.

I actually have a lot more respect for Heather because she does have what seems to be genuine self-confidence and is very honest and has never been gimmicky or desperate with Luke. She doesn’t throw herself at him nor seek his attention in contrived ways. She seems to be the most real of the bunch of women that we’ve actually gotten a chance to know, thanks to the editors.

The other girls, however, missed the memo on what it means to be a well-adjusted woman.

“I had to bribe my guy friends to take me to the prom,” one girl confessed. Really? You stooped THAT low? Did you bribe them to sleep with you too?

Krispy Kreme Kristian lamented about how she had to borrow a friend’s date solely for the professional photos because she didn’t have a date to the prom. And Crybaby Melissa. Sweet, 21-year-old, weepy Melissa was bawling when talking about how her weight prevented her from going to the prom.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING MAKE HER CRY?

To my recollection, senior prom at my high school consisted of all girls, bigger and smaller. Furthermore, prom is an overhyped and overrated waste of money and I personally would have been better off not even going, to be completely honest. My senior prom was ridiculous and ended with my date leaving me, but that in NO WAY shaped, informed, nor has affected my life seven years later. The ones that didn’t go don’t understand the lameness that they missed and need to get the fuck over it!

 

bokeen:
In typical Fatchelor fashion, Luke made his rounds the moment it was announced that the elimination of four contestants was imminent.  He engaged the contestant in mundane conversations while the girls mingled and flirted.

Kristian took the opportunity to profess her undying love for Luke.

“I think I’m falling for you, Luke,” she said, trembling at the mere sight of the monstrous man as her students back in New Jersey lost all respect for her, “I know I am.”

Gothic makeup artist and snuff film enthusiast Bonnie told Luke that she had a gift for him, inviting him to pluck it from the cavernous area between her flabby breasts.  He retrieved a small piece of paper with a crude doodle of his likeness scrawled upon it.  However, the classy contestant had drawn on a corner of a greasy bag of French fries, so the image was nothing more than a smeared mess of marker ink. 

Danielle spent the remainder of the evening sulking under the mantle of the fireplace, fondly recalling her one-on-one date with Luke.  She commented about the strong connection that they felt.  It is entirely possible that Danielle had Luke confused with the frozen banana that was connected directly to her snout. 

Four contestants were dismissed: Amanda, The Suicide Girl, Christina and Danielle. 

Christina and Marilyn Manson’s number one fan were relatively graceful as they were put out to pasture.  Danielle openly wept about her elimination, which came as no surprise to the entire viewing audience or any of her fellow contestants. 

Amanda seized the moment to denigrate the remaining contestants.  She noted that she was “kind of prettier” than the other girls, then singled out Melissa as “bigger and less attractive” then her.

Granted, Melissa is a weeping container of droopy flesh seeping with lard that should be abolish from Earth for the good of mankind, and she will certainly be eliminated in a future episode.  However, it is incredibly ironic that a contestant on The Fat Farm would disparage her fellow contestants in such a manner.  After all, the show is about making fat broads feel confident and secure while providing the audience with fodder for endless fat jokes. 

Sour grapes have no place on More to Love, because all of the contestant would eat them. 

4 responses to 'The Fatchelor: “More to Love” episode 3 review, part II'

subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'The Fatchelor: “More to Love” episode 3 review, part II'.

1. Just because you have clearly had a few bad relationships doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist for the rest of us…so what if the show features overweight people looking for love–everyone deserves it! Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, its an ugly heart that will turn people off.

   Courtney

   08.18.09 07:17 PM

    

2. Correct the grammar in your intro.
   I don’t know what “with is essential” means.
   Just came across your site today.
   xoxoxox

   Grammar-ella

   08.20.09 03:38 PM

    

3. Thanks, Grammar-ella. Good catch. I am embarrassed as hell and I feel compelled to make you a Grammar Police deputy.

   bokeen

   08.21.09 12:08 AM

    

4. you are the biggest ass hole I have ever met pick up the pieces of your heart u still have left and get a laugh.

   jess

   09.02.09 12:07 AM

    

respond/react

name (required)

email address (required; will not be published)

website