Fucking with Dell technical support

According to an old idiom, the squeaky wheel gets the grease; I am a sarcastic wheel.

I have recently been experiencing problems with my laptop.  The warm weather has a devastating effect on the machine.  After several hours of summertime use, it performs incredibly slowly. 

Each time this has happen, the machine becomes astonishingly hot.  Naturally, I assumed that there was a correlation between the scalding surface of the computer and its poor performance.

The problem was a minor nuisance until earlier this week, when my computer failed miserably in front of a client that I do freelance work for.  I was absolutely outraged.

Prior to contacting Dell’s customer support department about the issue, I consumed a baker’s dozen beer in order to keep the conversation entertaining.

:: 

Session Started with Agent (ALGb_Louie June_191940)

Louie: Hi! Thank you for using Dell Chat for Small and Medium Business. My name is Louie, how may I help you today?

bokeen: Hey Louie.

bokeen: I’ve been waiting for an hour

bokeen: That was fucking rad.

bokeen: Anyway…

bokeen: I think my laptop is overheating.

bokeen: But I might be wrong.

bokeen: Is there any way to monitor my CPU temperature?

Louie: I see, I will do my best to assist you. May I have your phone number as well as your first and last name?

bokeen: We just met.

bokeen: Buy me a drink first.

bokeen: LOL!

bokeen: bokeen, 312-588-2300.

Louie: Thank you for all the information. Let me just pull up your records first.

bokeen: I have a long record…my childhood was both rough and tumble.

Louie: Just to make sure that we are working with the correct system, I see here that the computer you are having problems with is XPS Studio 16. Is that correct?

bokeen: Yep.

Louie: okay for your question if there is a way to monitor your cpu temperature, yes, but you will need to install a 3rd party software or application to do that. you can search it through google since i have no information regarding the specific application.

bokeen: You can’t recommend a specific piece of software?

bokeen: Really?

Louie: now for the issue regarding overheating, may i know exactly is the error if theres any

bokeen: Yes, there is an error:

Louie: waht is the error?

bokeen: When it is hot outside and my computer has been running for a few hours, it gets really fucking slow.

bokeen: And I have to reboot and it still runs like shit.

bokeen: And since it is a laptop, I sometimes have the computer in my lap when I work. However, the computer gets so hot that it sears my ball hairs.

Louie: i mean do you see any error messages or notification?

bokeen: Oh, no.

bokeen: It just runs like dog shit.

Louie: then this is not an overheating issue.

Louie: if the system has a heat issue it will automatically turn off or shutdown to prevent further damage to the processor

bokeen: Okay, then why does the issue only occur when the computer is warm enough to light a cigarette off of the chassis?

Louie: since the system is just running slow this is only a software related issue

bokeen: How dare you blame my epic porn collection!

bokeen: LOL.

Louie: if your using the laptop for several hours it is normal that the bottom part will turn hot

bokeen: I understand that.

Louie: so basically you dont need to worry about overheating problem.

bokeen: But it is summertime in Chicago now and the computer gets too hot to handle. Like molten lava. That has been microwaved. And sitting on the surface of the sun. For hours.

bokeen: I could injure myself!

bokeen: Then, I would have to sue Dell.

bokeen: I’d get a bunch of folks together, and we would do some class-action shit.

bokeen: Dell would be forced to hand over millions. They would inevitably cut back staff after such a loss. You’d be out of a job, Louie.

bokeen: Neither of us want that.

Louie: slow performances can be caused by running multiple programs in the background. windows file corruption. virus, spyware, malware to name a few

bokeen: The shit happens after a fresh reboot.

bokeen: And spyware/malware is not a problem.

bokeen: I dont’t install shit unless it is blessed by the Pope himself. I’ve been doing this computer thing for a while, kid.

bokeen: So I guess my question is: “How do I prevent my laptop from getting so hot that it scalds my testicles, rendering me unable to have children and carry The Seed on to the next generation?”

bokeen: This is important…on my father’s side, I have no cousins. Plus, my lone sibling is my sister. My family name MUST live on.

Louie: okay thanks for all thosse information. i just checked the system record and i just verified that the system is covered by our corporate business department.

Louie: what i can do is check if there are available chat agents that can assist you. please wait while i do that for you.

bokeen: Fuck. Really? I thought we had a bond, Louie!

bokeen: Don’t go away.

bokeen: Do you even know what ‘BFF’ means?

Louie: as much as i would like to be of help to resolve your issue, the system is covered by a different department so you need to be transfered to get the necessary assistance you needed

bokeen: Okay.

bokeen: But you complete me.

bokeen: You had me at “Thank you for using Dell Chat for Small and Medium Business.”

Louie: Is there anything else I can assist you with before we end this chat?

bokeen: Negative.

bokeen: But I will miss you.

Louie: Thank you for contacting Dell, Have a great day, bye! please stay on the session while i transfer you

bokeen: Warmest regards and whatnot!

Session Transferred to Queue

Session Started with Agent (LIBs_Imeelyn_P_78580)

Imee: Hi! Thank you for contacting Dell. My name is Imee, how may I help you?

bokeen: My laptop gets exceptionally warm.

bokeen: Then it runs slow.

Imee: I’ll be glad to assist you, but before we proceed can you please provide me with your full name and phone number, so I could update our records here?

bokeen: Christ, again?

bokeen: bokeen, 773-202-LUNA

Imee: I do apologize for this protocol. – Thanks very much.

bokeen: ‘Apologize for the protocol?’ Do you work for Starfleet or something?

bokeen: Please don’t tell me that you must obey the Prime Directive.

bokeen: LOL!

bokeen: So why is my shit so incredibly warm?

bokeen: (That’s what she said.)

Imee: No prob bokeen. Just to make sure we are working with the correct system, I see here that we have a Studio 16 – if that’s not the correct system, can I please get the Service tag or express service code of the system we are currently working with?

bokeen: That is correct, I am rocking a Studio 16.

Imee: Thank you, for your info – Now going back to our issue, can you please explain it further…

bokeen: Here’s how it goes:

Imee: When did you start encountering our problem?

bokeen: It is summertime.

bokeen: It gets warm in my apartment.

bokeen: When it gets really warm, my laptop gets hot enough to use it as tool commit arson.

bokeen: Then it runs really slow.

bokeen: Like shit.

Imee: will it shutdown in some point?

bokeen: It happens after about four hours of operating in an environment of greater than 73 degrees.

bokeen: Fahrenheit.

bokeen: Because Celsius is for pussies, you know?

Imee: Do you even hear the fan spinning?

bokeen: It never shuts down. The fan is always spinning.

bokeen: I roll with a docking station. The dock doesn’t get warm, but the computer does.

bokeen: Searing hot.

bokeen: Like the devil’s farts.

Imee: Ok, thank you for that info.

Imee: Let me go ahead and setup an onsite tech service for the system – I’ll be replacing your system’s fan and heatsink assembly.

bokeen: Tits

bokeen: But since we are at it, what can you do about my shitty screen?

bokeen: I have a row a dead pixels.

Imee: What about your screen?

bokeen: The only way to get rid of it is by (gently) tapping the side of the screen.

bokeen: It suck. Totally bush league.

Imee: Was it dropped? – the computer?

bokeen: No. Never. Were you ever dropped?

bokeen: I take care of my shit.

bokeen: Christ.

bokeen: You ask me a question like that – as if I physically abuse my computer.

bokeen: I have a girlfriend for that.

Imee: If the screen issue is affected by movement. It will also need replacement.

Imee: Your system has an active warranty.

bokeen: Fuck, we are gonna rebuild the whole thing?

bokeen: Nice.

bokeen: So my computer is going to be like the Six Million Dollar Man?

bokeen: Or Robocop?

Imee: So I can setup an onsite tech replacement for the defective parts.

bokeen: Tits!

(At this point, the Dell rep asked for my address and times that I would be available to set up an appointment.  I omitted that part because I don’t want you to know where I live, you fucking stalker.)

bokeen: One more thing: what do you like on you pizza?

bokeen: (I want to be a good host when you get here)

Imee: I apologize bokeen. I can provide you a ticket number for this issue.

bokeen: You are writing me a ticket?

bokeen: Fuck, I hope they don’t suspend my license.

bokeen: I have a DUI on my record.

bokeen: LOL!

bokeen: Kidding.

bokeen: About the ticket part, not about the DUI.

bokeen: Brew me up a ticket number and we’ll be done with this charade.

bokeen: I’ve already wasted too much of my time.

Imee: Here’s your case reference number: xxxxxxxxx

Imee: If ever you need further assistance, you may contact us back anytime thru phone dial 1-800-822-8965 or log back in at www.dell.com/chat. Thank you very much for choosing Dell, have a great evening! = B

bokeen: Word.

bokeen: Oh, should I copy and paste pleasantries, too?

bokeen: I will:

bokeen: Thanks for talking the time to chat with me regarding this issue. I look forward to working with you in the future.

Imee: Is there anything else I could help you with?

bokeen: Nope. Not unless you can cure syphilis. Or if you know a Chicago cop that could get me out of my DUI ticket. That would be rad.

bokeen: Other than that, I am good.

bokeen: Thanks, “LIBs_Imee_P_78580.”

bokeen: Whatever the fuck that means.

Imee: Thank you goodbye.

Session Ended

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