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subscribeRunning in a marathon is a symptom of mental illness
posted: 10.11.09 at 11:30 PM
filed under: sports
Each year, thousands of developmentally-disabled individuals descend on downtown Chicago to compete in a grueling athletic competition requiring remarkable levels of strength and endurance.
I am referring to the Chicago Marathon.
More than 45,000 runners participated in today’s race. The marathon’s route begins downtown and took runners through the North Side, West Loop and South Side, past thousands of cheering spectators. The annual race, originally dubbed “Mayor Daley’s Marathon,” began in 1977. In subsequent years, the marathon grew into a massive autumn spectacle for fans and a contemptible nuisance for Chicago commuters.
Fortunately, the traffic congestion brought on by the marathon is no bother to me, as I have a developed a ritual for the Chicago Marathon. Each year, as thousands of runners take to the streets, I lock all of my doors and board my windows. Once all entrances to my apartment are secure, I crouch in a corner, nervously clutching my sawed-off shotgun.
This is an illustration of a typical participant in the Chicago Marathon. Though runners in the Chicago Marathon are typically black Kenyans who do not wear top hats.
Frankly, I am terrified of the Chicago Marathon. I believe that anyone who would willingly agree to participate in a marathon is obviously mentally ill. The prospect of thousands of unstable and potentially deranged people running through the streets of my home city is incredibly disturbing.
No sane and rational person would volunteer to run in a marathon. Such an act simply defies all logic.
The human body is not designed for running 26.2 miles. It is more ideally suited for shorter distances, such as jogging to catch a bus or darting through neighbors’ yards after being spotted smoking a joint by police. If God had intended for humans to run 26.2 miles, he would have designed our bodies with wheels instead of feet and equipped us with five speed manual transmissions with short-throw shifters.
Our bodies are not the proper tool for traveling such large distances. If I were to attempt to shine my shoes using a light bulb or dry my hair with uncooked lasagna noodles, one would be right to question my mental stability, as I would be using the incorrect tools for the task. Likewise, traveling over 20 miles on foot is an inappropriate use of tools and precisely why God invented the Chevy Cobalt.
A marathon can have devastating effects on the runner’s body. Common post-race ailments can include prolonged muscle soreness, joint pain, detached toenails and blistering of the feet. After a race, a runner is a shell of their former self and can take weeks to recover.
This is the body’s way of telegraphing a clear message: “I am not designed to do this.”
Personally, I cannot fathom the drastic physical toll a marathon would exact on my body. I get calluses on my feet if I walk more than five blocks. Participation in a marathon would likely transform my feet into thick, yellowing pads of dead skin.
The willingness to accept such physical punishment with little reward, spare a fleeting sense of accomplishment, completely transcends masochism and is an obvious symptom of mental illness.
Proponents of such extreme physical excretion often believe that physical discomfort is required to realize the benefits of a grueling activity, such as running a marathon. “No pain, no gain,” is a common refrain, to which I respond, “no fun, that’s dumb.”
I fail to understand how one might find a benefit in physical pain. For example, I could repeatedly slam my head in the door of my car. Such an endeavor would certainly be painful. The resulting bruising, internal bleeding and possible concussion would not be a “gain.” To the contrary, these injuries would be quite detrimental to my well-being.
By embracing the agony caused by a marathon, runners are employing the same twisted logic used by emo kids when they cut themselves. A teenager might attain a rush by slicing his or her arms with a knife, but self-mutilation is a clear sign of mental instability. Marathon runners must be treated in the same regard.
Runners may feel a sense of accomplishment from participating in the epic race. Completion of the marathon is a testament to their exceptional endurance and willpower.
Mario 64 is perhaps the greatest game of all time, and an excellent use of my time.
Since I have not been diagnosed with a mental illness, I am able to find other means for demonstrating my endurance. For example, Friday night, I played three straight hours of Super Mario 64. I was rewarded with 15 stars in the game, bringing me much closer to the ultimate goal of rescuing the princess. This achievement is far more satisfying that the physical exhaustion running could ever be.
There are also more rational ways of testing one’s willpower. One could attempt to eat just one Lay’s potato chip, or find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Both are highly gratifying tests of will that do not involve torturous physical activity. As an added bonus, both are quite delicious.
While most individuals would be satisfied with these achievements, marathon runners find them pedestrian and strive for much more. They will openly taunt death, enduring countless hours of arduous training. They relish in the physical abuse of the race.
Clearly, marathon runners are a deranged lot, which is precisely why I do not trust them. In fact, if I were interviewing individuals for a job, one’s participation in a marathon would be an immediate disqualifier.
::
“I must admit, Steve, your resume is quite impressive. You background lends itself to this position quite well. In many ways, you are a perfect candidate.”
“Thank you, Mr. bokeen.”
“But enough about your professional life; tell me a little bit about yourself.”
“Well, I am an avid fisherman. And I’m a little bit of a health nut. I’m proud to say that I finished last year’s Boston Marathon in just under three hours.”
“Fishing! That’s great! Have you ever been to Eagle La– wait, did you just say you ran in the Boston Marathon?”
“Yes I did.”
“Oh, okay. Uhh…well…thanks for coming out today. We’ll be in touch.”
::
An individual with self-destructive tendencies, such as the willingness to run in a marathon, is not worthy of my trust. These deranged people are capable of unpredictable, erratic behavior. I would not feel comfortable hiring a marathon runner as my Chief Financial Officer, nor do I feel comfortable with thousands of these freaks running near my home.
Fortunately, the marathon occurred without incident. My hands are calloused and my ass is sore from tightly clutching my shotgun and rocking back and forth on the hardwood floor in my apartment. This year, I did not have to fire a single shot.
I am already prepared for next year with a box full of 12 gauge shotgun shells.
5 responses to 'Running in a marathon is a symptom of mental illness'
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Amen
Shak
10.11.09 11:39 PM
well, when the zombie apocalypse arrives (that’s when, not if) and you’ve run out of bullets, us distance runners will actually have a hope in hell of escaping on foot. have fun being reduced to the main course for a flock of undead, my friend.
runtothehills
10.12.09 01:04 PM
My brother ran that marathon. Then again, though a really great person in general, he is a bit on the mental side.
Iron-clad proof: 3 days before competing in the even more arduous “ironman” marathon he sliced his foot open, so the day of the marathon he TOOK OUT HIS OWN STITCHES, SUPERGLUED HIS FOOT CLOSED, AND RAN THE MARATHON! If that doesn’t prove your thesis true nothing will.
Rachel
10.15.09 02:42 PM
http://lostandallalone.blogspot.com
even though i am mentally unstable enough (by your criteria) to have run a marathon 2 days ago (my 4th — i know, LOONY BIN MATERIAL!!!), i thought this post was absolutely awesome.
sarah (ghost world)
12.14.09 07:47 PM
I have run 20 marathons including two 50 Kilometer races. Next year I plan to run my first 50 miler. I have to admit most non running people think it is strange but my family and friends are encouraging. I don’t think I’m insane, to look at me you would think I was no different from the average person on the street. I just love to run.
Also, those people running the Chicago Marathon did not volunteer, they in fact , paid a hefty registration fee to be given the opportunity to run that 26.2 miles! :)
Lisa
08.24.11 09:10 AM