Top five reasons why I hate Notre Dame

Hate is such a strong word.  At times, it isn’t strong enough.

Last spring, I chronicled ten different reasons that explain my contempt for the Chicago Cubs.  I noted that I merely dislike most rival teams, and that there are few teams that I truly hate, aside from the Cubs.

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish are worthy of such scorn.  If I were to summon any more energy to apply towards my hatred of the Irish, I would surely perish from extreme physical exhaustion.

On Monday, the beleaguered Irish dismissed a bulbous sack of human flesh named Charlie Weis, who has been serving as head football coach since 2005.  I was strongly opposed to this decision, as I enjoyed watching Irish struggle through a series of dismal seasons under the leadership of an overmatched, overpaid obese man.  I feel cheated knowing that the Charlie Weis era has ended in South Bend.

Fortunately, the Irish will inevitably continue to struggle and toil away in college football obscurity for several years to come.  I am eager to spend more time basking in the warm glow of this shining example of a college football program gone astray, because I fucking hate the Fighting Irish.

It is worth noting that I hate college sports as a whole, particularly football.  While NFL and NBA teams are stocked with the finest athletes in the word, college athletes clearly lack the talent level of their professional counterparts.  To me, college sports seem amateurish in comparison, and I cannot ignore the discrepancy in the quality of play. 

Furthermore, there are over 100 schools competing in Division I football, with a small number of top programs competing for the nation’s top prospects.  This results in the powerhouse schools routinely beating on bottom-feeder programs.  Lopsided games are not enjoyable.

Finally, college football is pure bullocks.  The BCS is a comically arbitrary system for selecting a national champion.  I refuse to dedicate any more words to the BCS, as it has already been discussed ad nauseam on the Interwebs.  

While it may seem that my disdain for college sports would bias me against Notre Dame, it does not.  I do not take issue with individual teams.  I am ambivalent towards the Alabama Crimson Tide, Perdue Boilermakers, TCU Horned Frogs and scores of other teams with absurd names.  As a Chicagoan, I neither root for nor wish ill will on the squads from Northwestern University, University of Illinois or Northern Illinois University.  I do not care about the success and failure of these teams, because I have no respect for the games they play to begin with.

My hatred for Notre Dame, however, transcends my distaste and disinterest in college sports.  

Without further ado, I am proud to present my list of the top five reasons why I hate the Notre Dame football.

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5. They have an inexplicable connection to Irish-Americans
As I have mentioned before, bokeen is a traditional Celtic name.  Despite my family’s Irish roots, I feel very little connection to my Irish heritage.  In addition, I do not exhibit any of the symptoms of being Irish, such as having revolting red hair and sickly pasty skin marred with freckles.  Nevertheless, when making small talk, people tend to assume I am a fan of Notre Dame.

Monday evening, I shared this exchange with a pale white man in the checkout line at the supermarket. 

“Hey, that’s an Irish name,” he said after the cashier confirmed that the identity on my credit card and driver’s license matched, “So what do you think about the Charlie Weis thing?”

“Couldn’t care less,” I replied, hoping to avoid an inane conversation with the stranger. 

“Aren’t you a fan of the Irish?” he probed.

“No, I am not.  I think they suck and I fucking hate them.”

The man responded with a look of shock and horror, his eyebrows raised and eyes agape as if I had just bludgeoned his infant son to death with his puppy, killing the dog in the process as well.

I fail to understand how my Irish name is perceived as an indicator of my college football allegiance, as my heritage does not create some sort of deep, mystical connection with the university.  This is clearly a form of racial stereotyping.  I am certain that the man in the grocery store also assumed that I am a fan of the Boston Celtics, Jameson whiskey and that I consume at least three potatoes per day.   

Perhaps this stereotype is reinforced by the fact that the Irish’s mascot is cantankerous cartoon leprechaun.  Organized bands of hypersensitive ninnies have decried the use of Native American mascots and have experienced limited success in curbing the use of Injun names and images by sports teams.  Inevitably, a sanctimonious group of politically-correct pussies will band together and protest Notre Dame’s logo as a demeaning caricature of the Irish.  

The name “Fighting Irish” only serves to reinforce a negative stereotype about Irish people.   Namely, that they are all violent, drunken leprechauns.  If a similar name were applied to other ethnicities, such as “German Genociders” or “Mexican Landscapers,” controversy would surely ensure. 

While I typically find such protest to foolish, I welcome the day that Notre Dame is forced to drop the “Fighting Irish” moniker.  Perhaps they will select a masculine name that projects the strength of their football program.  I would like to suggest “The Shamrocks,” “Moribund Gingers,” or, my favorite, “Gold Hat Wearing Pussies.”

4. They are big smelly pussies
Most of the 120 Division I college football teams are organized neatly into conferences.  Every year, teams will play multiple games against opponents in their conference.  At the end of the regular season, some conferences host a game between the two best teams to determine a conference champion.  Other conferences employ a complex system to determine the conference champion based upon teams’ regular season records.

The system fosters rivalries between schools, since teams aligned with a conference are required to play a certain number of conference games each year.  In highly competitive conferences, the system can also help to ensure a number of quality games each year. 

Notre Dame eschews the conference system altogether, functioning as an independent school.  This affords the team a relatively easy schedule year after year.  For example, the Irish played only two ranked teams this year. Notre Dame plays at least one game each year against the Army or Navy military academies, both of which are particularly weak opponents. 

One might think that an annual cakewalk schedule would be a detriment to Notre Dame, as BCS rankings are determined by the combination of polls and computers.  This is not the case, as the school’s storied tradition becomes a factor in the rankings, despite the school’s obvious fear of competing like all other schools.  In addition, the rules used to select teams for BCS bowl games include a special exception for Notre Dame, as they are not eligible for the automatic berth enjoyed by the champions of certain conferences.

Due to these special concessions unique to Notre Dame, the school has very little incentive to join a big-boy conference.  This may change in the coming years if the team’s terrible performance continues and the mystique of the football program continues to erode.  By joining a conference and eliminating woeful teams from their schedule, the football program could reclaim the legendary status that the pompus bastards love to brag about.  Or, they could fail miserably and become an even larger national laughingstock.  I prefer the latter.

3. They are bat-shit crazy
In 2005, rookie coach Charlie Weis led the Irish to a 5-2 start and was subsequently rewarded with a contract extension which increased the term of his contract to ten years. 

Notre Dame was extremely generous in signing the unproven head coach to a large, six-year contract before the start of the season.  Notre Dame was completely fucking insane to extend the contract to ten years after Weis had coached only seven games. 

A ten-year contract for a head coach is absolutely absurd in any sport, particularly for a new head coach.  Ten years is an entire fucking decade.

For comparison, consider the contracts of Gregg Popovich of the San Antonio Spurs and Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots.  Both are considered the finest coaches in their respective sports.  Popovich has been with the Spurs for over a decade and has lead his team to four championships.  In 2007, Popovich’s contract was extended to five years.  Bellichick’s Patriots have appeared in four Super Bowls, winning three, since he took the helm in 2000.  In 2007, Bellichick was rewarded with a seven-year extension.

Weis’ extension proved to be a costly and irresponsible mistake, as Notre Dame paid approximately $18 million to buy out the contract. 

2. They are run by cracker-ass crackers
The timing of the decision to extend Weis’ contract is particularly questionable. His predecessor, Tyrone Willingham, lead the Irish to an 8-0 start in his first season.  In his third season, the Irish started 5-2 – the exact same record that earned Weis a contract extension.  

Willingham was not rewarded with a hefty contract extension.  Instead, he was fired after three years.

Another key difference between Weis and Willingham is the fact that Weis is a pale-colored mammal, while, believe it or not, Tyrone Willingham is black.  (I was surprised as well. I thought that Tyrone was a Swedish name.) 

I will not attempt to judge the coaching credentials of either man.  From all I can gather, both are miserable excuses for football coaches. 

However, it appears that the school had far less confidence in Willingham and Weis.  Willingham had a better start, but Weis was rewarded with a long-term contract.  Willingham guided the team to a 6-6 record after his third season and was fired.  Weis’ Irish posted a 3-9 record in his third season and kept his job for two more years. 

Willingham was not fired because he was black, but because he was a terrible coach.  Weis was terrible as well, but he kept his job due to credibility of being a white man. 

It is stunning to me that racism would play a factor in the decisions of an institution so closely aligned with such a judicious and loving organization such as the Catholic Church. 

(Before writing the previous paragraph, I struck several events from my mental record, including the Inquisition, inaction during the Holocaust and sexual abuse of young boys by priests.  Everyone deserves a mulligan.)

1.  They are holier than thou
Notre Dame is a Catholic institution.  As such, they kind of have a thing for Jesus (no homo.)

In Notre Dame’s creatively-titled home stadium, “Notre Dame Stadium,” a large mural depicts Jesus Christ with his arms raised in the same manners that football referees use to signal a touchdown.

I have a hard time believing that the purported Lord and Savior of Humankind has any interest in football, let alone that he perfers Notre Dame. 

In fact, Jesus was born in the Middle East, so he would probably express a preference for the sports favored in that region.  I presume that Jesus would favor soccer, or the time-honored tradition of shooting a machine gun into the air and yelling “loo-loo-loo-loo!” 

Suggesting that a sports team is favored by God is rather pretentious, and the depiction of Jesus stoically signaling “touchdown” seems downright blasphemous.  

Remarkably, Notre Dame’s bombastic claim of divinity expressed in “Touchdown Jesus” was completely eclipsed by a statement by their former Athletic Director, Kevin White.

During the press conference announcing Tyrone Willingham’s dismissal by the school, White drew a direct comparison between Notre Dame and the Vatican, noting that Catholic Americans look to Notre Dame as a proxy to the Pope’s opulent crib.  (Unfortunately, I am paraphrasing.  I have combed the Interwebs for a video or transcript of the press conference with no success.)

White’s assertion that Notre Dame is comparable to the Vatican is clearly boastful bullshit.

I am heretically irreligious, but my Pollack grandmother is big on that Catholic shit. I remember that she had a portrait of Pope John Paul thy Deuce proudly displayed in her living room when I was growing up.  Many of her friends had similar photos or painting as well.  None of them had framed pictures of the Notre Dame Leprechaun, “Touchdown Jesus,” or former coach Lou Holtz.  In fact, I doubt that any of them gave nor currently give a fuck about an overpriced private college in Indiana. 

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The school will hire an expensive, high-profile coach who will be tasked with rebuilding the program that Willingham and Weis left in shambles.  Recruiting will be the most difficult part.  I suspect that high school standouts will not be enticed by the opportunity to become a part of the troubled program.

While visiting recruits, the new coach will speak of Notre Dame’s tradition as a college football powerhouse.  The average 18-year-old athlete will rightfully be skeptical.  During his lifetime, Notre Dame has finishing with a ranking higher than 10 only three times.  The school last won a national title when the prospect was an infant. 

Top recruits will have a difficult time committing to a stodgy football program in the frigid Midwest over destinations such as Southern California, Texas or Miami.  Notre Dame’s next coach faces a seeming insurmountable challenge.  

Perhaps Touchdown Jesus will bless him with the luck of the Irish. 

5 responses to 'Top five reasons why I hate Notre Dame'

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1. Um…good reasons and all. But you prefaced your post as the “top ten reasons” you hated Notre Dame, then followed that up by giving only 5 reasons. Maybe it’s all that Irish Whisky you’ve been drinking, but, um…may wanna check that out.

   Shak

   12.12.09 06:07 PM

    

2. Good catch, Shak. Please note that I do not drink Irish Whiskey. The only whiskey-like beverage that I will touch is SoCo, or as my family likes to call it, “sippin’ whiskey.”

   bokeen

   12.14.09 01:00 AM

    

3. Guess what makes me more Irish than you is that I take quite a liking to whiskey, or as I like to call it…”whiskey”

   Shak

   12.15.09 11:46 PM

    

4. Eh Boy, you must be a fucking niger boy from Chicago that did not have the grades to get into Notre Dame! Too fucking bad!

   Bryan Piekarski

   05.09.11 11:03 AM

    

5. your clearly a virgin man

   get over yourself…as an irish manfighgtin irish is rather complimentry to me to be honest…as we are known the world over for punching above our weight at all sports, and showing balls by beating teams we have no right to beat….ie our soccer team beating england…fightin irish american football club is a great tribute to us by the people we exported wholesale to your country…

   donnachadh

   05.09.11 07:19 PM

    

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