Tiger Woods’ questionable use of his penis

I am thoroughly enjoying witnessing the Tiger Woods saga unfold.

This may seem a bit hypocritical, as I recently decried celebrity news outlets for continually churning out mindless drivel.  I make an exception for the tales of Woods’ philandering, as two captivating storylines have been brought to the forefront by the burgeoning fleet of women that have taken turns serving as the golfer’s personal semen dumpster.

Thanks to Rachel Uchitel and her fellow skanks, America has been given a behind-the-scenes look into the sex lives of rich and powerful men.  Celebrities like Tiger hire experienced pussy wranglers to gather a collection of young dames eager for their chance to mount a famous penis.  The ladies are treated to top-shelf liquor and a fun night out, and the lucky lad gets to pick the gal (or gals) that he will bed.

The women are treated like cattle in this extremely organized and businesslike approach to sex.  It is quite similar to high-end restaurants that allow you to pick your lobster from a tank, or your preferred cut of porterhouse from a silver platter. 

(Several years ago, one of boqueen’s friends was recruited to be a part of Michael Jordan’s harem in Vegas.  While she is a woman of striking beauty, she was not selected to be one of the plump ex-superstar’s mates for the evening.  She felt quite fortunate to avoid an awkward situation, and, as an added bonus, she drank free Grey Goose cocktails all night long.)

This is a fascinating glimpse of the daily lives of the wealthy and famous.  Apparently, when a man has great sums of money at his disposal, he can eschew the courtship of potential mates.  Instead, he can hire people to gather a few dozen women and have his pick of the litter.

This is precisely why the terrorists hate us.  For once, I actually agree with the bearded fellows running Al Qaeda.  Such behavior is absolutely reprehensible. 

Another byproduct of the Tiger Woods mistress parade is the damage to the man’s credibility, which I find thoroughly enjoyable.  

For over a decade, Tiger has been revered as a demigod.  Nike, Gatorade and the sports media worked tirelessly to craft his squeaky-clean image.  Certainly, he is the greatest golfer in the world, but we were lead to believe that he embodied perfection as a mixed-raced Christ of sorts.

The media gleefully co-opted the absurd storyline.  In 1996, Sports Illustrated named Woods “Sportsman of the Year.”  In the epic narrative, Wood’s late father states that he golfer would have a greater impact on the world than Gandhi, Buddha, or Nelson Mandela. 

The author briefly challenged Earl Woods’ boastful assertion before lending it credibility.

“Surely this is lunacy. Or are we just too myopic to see?” Gary Smith asked.

“We are witnessing the first volley of an epic encounter,” Smith continues, “the machine at its mightiest confronting the individual groomed all his life to conquer it and turn it to his use.”

In reading this, I quickly realized that humanity was short-changed by the unfortunate timing of Woods’ birth.  Perhaps, if he has born 50 years earlier, he could have killed Hitler and prevented the Holocaust.  Or, if Woods was around a few centuries earlier, he might have been able to end the exile of the Jews by knocking them out of the desert with his nine iron. 

Perhaps part of the obviously cartoonish portrayal of Tiger Woods is due to his intense desire for privacy.  We never learned who he was as a person, and his sponsors filled the vacuum.

Regardless, it always reeked of bollocks to me, which is why I relish in his downfall.  After 13 years of being told that Tiger Woods was a superhuman family man who was entirely beyond reproach, I am happy to learn that he is in fact, a fucking scumbag.

::

I will not write a sanctimonious piece about Woods’ infidelity or speculate on how he can repair his image.  The Interwebs are full of articles which take these angles and, frankly, I don’t give a shit.

Instead, I would like to focus on Woods’ questionable taste in pussy.

::

Soon after Tiger Woods plowed into a fire hydrant, a fleet of white women went public with their personal tales of mounting the golfer. 

I cannot understand his obsession with white women.  After all, he is married to a smoking-hot Swedish broad, and those people are whiter than any people in the known universe. 

When cheating, one would expect Woods to seek some variety in his sex life.  For example, my girlfriend, boqueen, is black.  If I were to cheat on her, it certainly would not be with another black woman (in part because boqueen is the only black woman in the world willing to see my pasty body in the nude.)  Instead, I would pursue a more exotic sexual conquest, such as one of those blue broads from the Avatar trailers.  Those blue bitches are smoking hot. 

Instead, Woods kept his philandering inside of his comfort zone.  As a result, the lineup of skanks claiming to have been bedded by Woods resembles the charts that appear on the side of teeth whitening products.

One of the women stands apart from the rest.  To continue the whore-to-tooth reference, Mindy Lawton is the snaggletooth of the bunch.

Lawton provided graphic detail about her alleged affair with Woods.  She described sultry text messages and spoke about the size of Woods’ penis like only an elegant lady could.

I neglected to mention an important point: Mindy Lawton is a fucking sea monster.

As with all of the allegations made against Woods, Lawton’s stories may be true, or they may be the stories fabricated by a desperate woman hoping for her turn in the spotlight.  For the purpose this post, I will give Lawton the benefit of the doubt and assume that she is telling the truth, as that is the far more entertaining option. 

I cannot understand why a multi-millionaire – one of the most famous men in the world – would decide to bed such a grotesque creature.

While most of Woods’ mistresses range from “pretty decent” to “fully bangable,” Lawton is a downright ugly woman.  Her bulbous forehead extends to the heavens and is complimented by a wide, awkward shaped nose.  The dark bags of middle age underline her glassy gaze.  The curious girth of her upper arms creates an odd juxtaposition with her human-sized forearms and hands. 

The woman is a ghastly mutation of the human form.  Mindy Lawton is one of God’s mistakes. 

When I first saw Lawton’s picture, I was certain that she was a transsexual caught in an uncomfortable stage after his/her operations had begun, but before the gender reassignment was complete.   

Woods’ attraction to this beast is utterly incomprehensible.  Even if I were single, drunk, desperate and mentally challenged, I wouldn’t buy Lawton a drink, let alone engage in physical contact with her presumably disfigured genitals.

::

Famed celebrity-problem-troubleshooter Dr. Drew Pinsky suggested that Tiger Woods might be addicted to sex, explaining his shameful behavior.  This explanation is complete bullshit. 

The entire concept of “sexual addiction” is preposterous.  Sex is the single most enjoyable activity on earth.  If you do not agree, you are doing it wrong.

I would have sex 15 times per day if I was not certain that my scrotum would rupture from physical exhaustion.  Several times per day, an unannounced and unwelcome erection will magically appear in my jeans, despite the fact that I am more than a decade removed from puberty. 

My point is that sex is awesome.  If you are not addicted to sex, you clearly aren’t getting any. 

Sexual addiction is a convenient cop-out used to justify otherwise inexcusable behavior. 

When I learned first learned about Woods’ growing army of fuck-buddies, I assumed the man was a scumbag.  Once Mindy Lawton came forward, I reached a different conclusion: the man is stark, raving mad.  There is no other coherent explanation for his attraction to this androgynous blob of pale flesh. 

Clearly, Tiger Woods is not capable of making rational decisions on his own.  He is a danger to himself and those around him.  For the protection of society as a whole, he should be apprehended immediately – dead or alive.

Preferably dead. 

2 responses to 'Tiger Woods’ questionable use of his penis'

subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'Tiger Woods’ questionable use of his penis'.

1. I would tap an Avatar before I even glanced in Mindy Lawton’s direction. Your description of her, I must say, was quite Dickens-esque and right on point.

   Honestly, this man is a billionaire. You have a chance at veritably any woman you want…and he chose THAT? I can’t agree with you more on this particular point.

   Talk about the biggest fall-off of the year.

   Shak

   12.15.09 11:58 PM

    

2. Ever have a fantasy about doin’ a china girl? Or Jap twins? Maybe a midget or a deaf girl? Why not an eye sore? Ugly women try harder. So do fat chicks……period. She doesn’t have to be hot to make the earth tremble under your balls. It all feels the same in the dark boys.

   Guilmar

   12.27.09 01:00 AM

    

respond/react

name (required)

email address (required; will not be published)

website