Jesus and friends versus the big, bad airport

Eminent domain is a pretty fucking brutal concept.

For those of you who were asleep, stoned or absent during eight-grade social studies class, I will explain.  Eminent domain grants governments the right to seize private property against the owner’s consent, as long as the property will be used to benefit the general public.

While property owners are compensated for their loss, this is an excellent example of the government flexing its muscle like one of the tanned Italian lads on Jersey Shore.

Property may be claimed for a variety of reasons, for example, to build highways, railroad, infrastructure, or a statue of Barack Obama. 

Eminent domain is firmly entrenched in American life, outlined in the “Takings Clause” of the Constitution.  Surprisingly, the same document that establishes a set of checks and balances between the three branches of government, and grants me the right to liberally use awesome phrases like “fuck-socket,” “cunt-face” and “impeach the fuck-socket, cunt-faced President, whoever that is right now.” It also allows the government to steal my property for their own uses.

Consider the implications of such a heavy-handed law.  One day, you are sitting on a beanbag in your mother’s basement playing Nintendo 64.  The next day, you are fucking homeless and a Starbucks has been erected in the same place where you used to watch reruns of Perfect Strangers.  Remember where your parent’s wedding picture used to hang?  Cream and sugar can be found there now. 

Of course, courts will rationalize this.  “Fuck your childhood memories,” a judge will declare.  “This new strip mall stimulates the local economy and creates jobs.  Plus, it’s got a Jimmy Johns.”

It is startling to realize that every one of us is a disposable pawn and our entire livelihood can be taken away at the behest of a hack lawyer that was fortunate enough to be elected into office.  This proves, beyond a doubt, that we are all slaves to the government – even white people.  That is a travesty.

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The runway layout at O’Hare was designed by famed civil engineer Joe Planesgoncrash.

Eminent domain has played a critical role in plans to expand Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.  Construction is currently underway on the plan, which calls for the reconfiguring the airport’s chaotic patchwork of runways, resulting in a 60% increase in capacity, according to the city’s estimates.

The plans have been highly controversial, spawning seemingly ceaseless political debate and litigation.  Mayor Richard Daley (D-Machine) is in favor of modernizing the airport, as a means to generate lucrative contracts for his chums in the construction industry and various other business interests that have propped up his inept ass for decades.  Opponents of the plan call for the construction of a new airport in the suburbs.  These individuals object to the displacement of thousands of businesses and homes, along with increased congestion in the region.

The most vocal resistance to the plans has come from the suburbs that border the airport, including Bensenville and Des Plaines.  The expansion required these suburbs to surrender large swaths of land to the City of Chicago.

Their efforts ultimately proved to be futile.  Judges repeatedly ruled in favor of the Chicago Machine.  Appeals failed.  Despite their efforts, the expansion of O’Hare Airport was inevitable. 

The last significant barrier to the plans was eliminated in November when the Bensenville accepted a settlement to end their opposition.  In return, the village received a paltry payoff of $16 million, along with the City of Chicago’s pledge to provide fund the purchase of sound-resistant windows for residents. 

The expansion of the airport has drastically transformed the small suburb.  The east side of the village is a ghost town of sorts, as hundreds of homes and dozens businesses have been abandoned to make way for Daley’s grand plan. 

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With the most formidable challenges to O’Hare expansion either paid off or litigated into oblivion, the opponents that now stand in the way of the plan are inferior foes by comparison. 

Two weeks ago, proponents of the plan overcame one of these pathetic challengers.

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St. Johannes Cemetery is located uncomfortably close to the airport and in the path of a potential new runway.  The 6.3-acre cemetery houses 900 corpses and was built in the 19th century, long before the advent of new-fangled flying machines.

On December 18, a DuPage County judge ruled that the City of Chicago could claim the cemetery’s land under eminent domain laws.  The Chicago Department of Aviation will foot the bill for relocating wooden boxes full of decomposed remains.

St. John’s United Church of Christ in Bensenville owns the cemetery.  In legal filings, the church argued that the graves should “remain undisturbed until the day of resurrection of Jesus Christ,” per the religious beliefs of those buried at the cemetery.

I fail to understand why a presumably competent lawyer would chose to include such an absurd argument in a court document. 

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Normally, I am adamantly opposed to the use of eminent domain laws. However, he wording of the church’s argument left the judge no choice other than to rule in favor of the City of Chicago.

Guess who’s back…back again.

The American judicial system is designed to consider matters of fact.  Jesus’ resurrection is the ultimate example of a “sliding deadline.”  No one can pinpoint the exact date or time that the elusive Christ-man will come back.  In fact, no one is certain if the event will actually occur.  For a judge, setting a timeline based upon Christ’s resurrection would be similar to ruling that O’Hare expansion could proceed “when Dick Cheney wins the Nobel Peace Prize.”

Likewise, the legal brief asked the judge to consider the religious beliefs of those buried in the cemetery.  Essentially, the judge had to weight the will of corpses – dead people that haven’t even become zombies yet – against the interests of the Chicagoland community and international travelers.

In summary, the infantile argument by St. John’s United Church of Christ begged the judge to consider the preference of dead people and wait for a potentially fictitious character to come back to life before allowing the O’Hare expansion plans to continue. 

I can understand Judge Hollis Webster’s decision.  Faced with the burden the separation of church and state as granted by the First Amendment, he decided to rule against a part basing their legal argument upon religion, or as viewed by objective parties, mythology.

Eminent domain is a bitch.  I do feel bad for the folks at St. John’s, and the families of those buried at the cemetery.  

Now move those boxes full of smelly corpses so that we can make a runway. 

one response to 'Jesus and friends versus the big, bad airport'

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1. I think the corpses should be left alone because I don’t wanna have to deal with some pissed off ghosts haunting my damn ass when all I wanna do is travel!

   Shak

   12.29.09 01:11 AM

    

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