I’m not with Coco: The state of late night television

I am not a fan of Conan O’Brien.

Surely, my opinion will prove to be unpopular in light of the popular “I’m with Coco” social media campaign.  I will concede that Conan is one of the more talented individuals in the late night talk show business. 

However, since Conan’s field is a wretched morass, virtually devoid of discernable talent, this a backhanded compliment at best.  In many ways, the title of “Most Talented Late Night Talk Show Host” is akin to “World’s Tallest Midget,” “Most Honest Politician,” or “Most Celibate Catholic Priest.” 

For over two weeks, the Interwebs and old fashioned media outlets have been atwitter with news and commentary about the impending shake up of NBC’s late night lineup.  I found the contractual ménage à trios between Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien and NBC Universal President Jeff Zucker incredibly compelling.  In fact, I have changed my browser’s start page to TMZ.com, and I click “refresh” between nine and 215 times each day, eagerly anticipating the next twist in this amazing storyline.  My carpal tunnel is acting up. 

Tonight is Conan’s last night hosting The Tonight Show, but there are still many compelling unanswered questions. How soon will he ink a lucrative deal with Fox?  How soon will he return to the air after contractual Conan embargo expires in September?  How would Conan compete head-to-head against Leno?  Will Leno be gunned down by members of Conan’s entourage in front of the MGM Grand in Vegas?

Most importantly, will someone please cancel Late Night with Jimmy Fallon?

I will not bore you with a lengthy commentary on the NBC late-night debacle, which I am officially dubbing Conangate.  Simply put, NBC brass has repeatedly fucked up in their handling of their late night programming, and their decisions will ultimately bite them in the ass.

Promising Conan a spot on The Tonight Show in 2004 was a mistake, though it seemed wise at the time.  Moving Jay Leno to an earlier timeslot was a foolish gambit which predictably failed.  Bumping Conan to make way for Leno at 11:35 p.m. is a long-term mistake with a short-term benefit.  Leno will likely deliver exceptional rating for NBC, but Conan is 13 years younger.  Conan will be a late-night powerhouse – for network other than NBC – long after Leno retires or, preferably, dies in a horrific and bloody accident. 

NBC’s recent follies are so comically shortsighted that they warrant no more than the 90 words of analysis contained in the previous paragraph.  Jeff Zucker obviously attended the George W. Bush School of Executive Management. 

Instead of rehashing the Conan-Leno Deathmatch, I would like to provide my review of each of the late night hosts, or, as I like to call them, “Jibber-jabber talking fuckheads that make me wish all networks ran reruns of The Simpsons or Family Guy late at night.”

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Jay Leno
I have been told to “respect my elders.”  Jay Leno’s success causes me to resent my elders.

After taking over The Tonight Show from Johnny Carson in 1992, Leno became a ratings juggernaut, despite competing directly against fellow late night “luminary” Dave Letterman.  In addition, Leno is no more funny than my filthy toe clippings.

Any comparison between Carson and Leno is utterly futile; as Carson was a comedic genius who innovated late night talk shows and transformed The Tonight Show into a transcendent franchise.

Upon taking the helm of The Tonight Show, Leno methodically destroyed credibility that Carson had built.  Carson had genuine comedic sensibilities, while Leno is formulaic, his success predicated upon the quality of his staff’s writing.  Monologues became predictable and stale, wrought with jokes about John Bobbit’s penis or Bill Clinton’s philandering or George W. Bush’s stupidity.  Leno stripped the show of insightful comedy, choosing to lean on silly jokes based upon current events.

He is hopelessly devoted to being well liked, which is reflected in his comedy.  Leno plays it safe, avoiding controversy at all costs.  In fact, he is the only comedian on Earth who is capable of telling a G-rated dirty joke. 

Leno’s interviewing skills are woefully lacking when compared to Carson or any of his present-day peers.  With Leno at the helm, interviews on The Tonight Show became rehearsed commercials, devoted to promoting the guest’s latest movie or album and sprinkled with an occasional joke. 

Despite his inadequacy as a host, Leno became and huge success and was dubbed “The King of Late Night.”  Unfortunately, NBC overlooks the fact that Leno caters to middle-aged Middle America, who inexplicably tune in for his stale brand of inoffensive comedy, and who will all be dead or asleep shortly. 

By becoming the standard-bearer of late night, Leno effectively lowered the standard for his fellow hosts.

 

David Letterman
It is difficult for me to provide a detailed commentary of Letterman’s work, because I am completely unable to watch more than 90 seconds of The Late Show in one sitting.  I find Letterman to be utterly intolerable.

Fans of Letterman will praise the comedian for his biting, sarcastic sense of humor and his petulant personality.  As a young lad, I thoroughly enjoyed his show and viewed him as an edgy, adult alternative to Carson’s upbeat and friendly brand of humor.

Both Letterman and I are much older now, both growing more curmudgeonly with age.

Today, I am unable to ignore Letterman’s smug, narcissistic personality.  I have not found a shred of humor in anything that Letterman has said in more than a decade.  I cannot see past the thick veneer of self-importance that coats Letterman, nor can I understand the impatience and ire that taint every one of his jokes. 

When used properly, sarcasm is a powerful comedic weapon.  Letterman uses sarcasm like Asians use rice, adding a heaping spoonful to every word he utters.  To me, this fundamental misunderstanding of this basic tenant of his comedy makes The Late Show a torturous experience. 

As a self-proclaimed douchebag, I have the keen ability to recognize my own kind.  David Letterman is the Grand Wizard of Advanced Doucebaggery.    

 

Conan O’Brien
A large number of Americans sprout a throbbing, veiny boner at the mere mention of “Coco.” I feel left out of this nationwide pants party.

As with Letterman, there was a time when I genuinely appreciated Conan.  During my college years, I enjoyed his offbeat sense of humor.

It is worth noting that I was extremely high at the time.  I have since sobered up, and watching Conan’s show has become a sobering experience.

It is clear that Conan has an excellent sense of humor.  At his best, he delivers an unconventional blend of intellectual comedy deftly blended with absurdity.  He is a quicker wit than his elderly peers.  Unlike Leno, Conan is unafraid of controversy and willing to challenge the status quo.

However, these occasional flashes of brilliance are interspersed with uninspired, moronic humor.

Some of the most noteworthy reoccurring sketches from Conan’s late night tenure are also shining examples of insipid, sophomoric comedy. 

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is an inane and irritating means for delivering lame jokes that mock celebrities, a staple of late night television.  The Masturbating Bear is a cheap sight gag that became Conan’s go-to dick joke.

In Noches de Pasion con Señor O’Brien, Conan becomes Conando, speaking ridiculous, elementary Spanish phrases.  Conando relentlessly milks the audience for laughs in absurd skits that would be far more enjoyable if they were much shorter.

I simply do not understand the humor in Conan’s trademark “string dance.”  In an informal survey of my friends, many of whom are Conan fans, not one was able to explain why it is funny.  In fact, several explain that they enjoy the dance because “it’s Conan’s trademark.”

I don’t get it.

 

Jimmy Fallon
I will keep this brief, as Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is not worthy of my words.

To call Fallon’s tenure on Late Night a “train wreck” would be a gross understatement.  It is a disaster of a far greater scale.  Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is like a coat-hanger abortion being performed in a wrecked train during an earthquake as fire pours from the sky to reveal the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Nearly ten months after taking the reins of the Late Night franchise, Fallon still appears ill-equipped to handle his job.  He seems awkward and uncomfortable during monologues.  His comedic timing is incredibly poor.  His unpolished interviewing skills are teemed with the “gee whiz” enthusiasm of a prepubescent lad.   He struggles to deliver a punch line without smirking or laughing, which was his trademark on Saturday Night Live.

With Conan’s departure, Fallon is now the heir apparent to The Tonight Show.  I am certain that handing the storied franchise over to this incapable and unqualified boob would anger Johnny Carson, prompting him to rise from the dead and go on an unprecedented killing spree. 

If I were Jimmy Fallon, I would be terrified of Zombie Carson. 

 

Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel Live has quickly become my favorite late night host.  This may be a testament to Kimmel’s talent, or it may be attributed to the fact that his show begins at 11:35 p.m. Central, a time when I am far more likely to be drunk and willing to laugh at anything.

Kimmel lacks the glaring shortcomings of his contemporaries.  Unlike Leno, he embraces off-color jokes and his interviews do not seem meticulously planned and rehearsed.  He comes across as a regular, affable fellow, unlike Letterman, who is sheltered in a cocoon of his own perceived awesomeness. Like Conan, he embraces intelligent and absurd humor, yet Kimmel delivers more consistently.  Unlike Fallon, Kimmel is not a lucky stoner who inexplicably found the affection of Lorne Michaels and rode their relationship to success.

While Kimmel is my favorite host, I am not willing to declare that his show is the finest on late night television.  That backhanded honor is reserved for reruns of The Oprah Winfrey Show. 

The greatest shortcoming of Jimmy Kimmel Live is the lack of consistent, quality writing.  Leno has a war chest of cash to throw at the best quality writers in the business, only to deliver their jokes in the hackneyed Leno style that I have grown to hate.  Kimmel makes up for this discrepancy by being the finest comedic performer in late night television.

Once blessed with fuckloads of money and tremendous success, Leno, Letterman and Conan became caricatures of themselves.  Each carved out their identity as a host and clung to their script.  Soon, irreverent became predictable and sarcastic became cocky.  Fresh young faces with a unique perspective became wrinkled faces pumped full of Botox, reliant upon a comedic formula rather that innovation.

Now, late night sucks.  My last vestige of hope is Jimmy Kimmel. 

::

I detest late night television, but I desperately desire to be entertained while I drink beer and scratch my genitals before bed. 

NBC decided part ways with Conan in the interest of short-term gain, with little consideration of the long-term effect.  When Leno reclaims the helm of The Tonight Show, he will undoubtedly produce substantial ratings.  Advertisers and affiliates will be happy, and order will temporarily be restored to the NBC kingdom.

Inevitably, Conan will return to the airwaves by the end of this year.  The most likely scenario places him at Fox, competing against his former mentor, with a show that starts 35 minutes earlier.

I hope that Conan demolishes Leno, forcing him into retirement.  NBC will scramble for a host for The Tonight Show.  Options will include the aforementioned ass clown Jimmy Fallon, or another young fuckfaced dickhole such as Ryan Seacrest.

Regardless of how Conan’s next show performs, NBC will be reeling.  Leno is an old man who will eventually have to retire to tend to his prostate.  In comparison, Conan is young and has several years ahead of him.

Perhaps the ensuing late night battle will inspire ABC to take their chances with Kimmel.  After all, Oprah is leaving her show soon and Nightline is consistently as boring as watching my ball hair grow.  ABC could enter the late night fray, placing Kimmel’s show in an earlier slot and pitting him against Conan. 

Once Letterman retires, CBS may have to lead off with Craig Ferguson or bow out of the late night game.  I am not qualified to assess the quality of Ferguson’s show, as I do not understand a fucking word that blimey Brit says.  I am told that it is entertaining.

My dream late night scenario has Conan (Fox) competing against Kimmel (ABC), Fallon (seriously?) and Ferguson (whatever). 

This late night landscape is much more appealing than Leno versus Letterman, with Conan as sideshow.

I wish that Leno and Letterman would both die of a terrible flesh-eating disease in order to accelerate this process. 

4 responses to 'I’m not with Coco: The state of late night television'

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1. While this is a horribly serious post to be making on well, this blog, don’t count on Kimmel being moved up ahead of Nightline anytime soon. Nightline apparently does well enough against NBC and CBS even in the 18-49 demographic that there’s no reason to bump up Kimmel, unless Jeff Zucker suddenly gets named president of ABC or something.

   Carter

   01.22.10 10:11 PM

    

2. At first, I was totally on Conan’s side and agreed with the vitriol Letterman was spewing against Leno. I’ve never really liked Leno. We definitely agree on certain points of each late night host (except for the overall fact that I like Conan). But to be honest, Conan comes out a HUGE winner in all of this. This dude got a $45 Mil buy-out, and STILL has an opportunity to host a late night talk show THIS YEAR. So I don’t feel too sorry for the guy.

   I think Kimmel sucks. He is not funny, his jokes are lame, and the only reason I watch him is because he’s a huge Lost fan.

   Craig Ferguson is hilarious. He’s totally zany and is naturally funny. Unfortunately, his skits suck ass. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.

   P.S. The string dance is funny, because he’s dancing and acting like he’s pulling himself on strings. And then he cuts one of the strings, which is also comical.

   Shak

   01.22.10 10:47 PM

    

3. I never took anyone’s side in all this. I find it TREMENDOUSLY DIFFICULT TO FEEL BAD FOR MILLIONAIRES. In fact, fuck them!

   I am a Conan fan, though, and I agree with all that Shakeel said above.

   boqueen

   01.23.10 02:41 PM

    

4. I was around when carson left in 1992, and I remember that show being a festering dogpile, a shitstain on the entertainment business, for at least 5 years before it finally ended. Meanwhile, Letterman was young and hip and funny as hell back then.

   So, when I started reading how you figure that this new generation of hosts are nothing compared to carson, I laughed, and then I stopped reading your pointless dribble …

   rickstar

   08.11.10 09:55 PM

    

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