Review of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue

Last week, the 46th annual edition of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue hit newsstands, and I do not understand why. 

The magazine is an antiquated relic of a bygone era, much like landline telephones, newspapers and the Republican Party.  It is a charming but obsolete reminder of a simpler time. 

The first swimsuit issue, published in 1946, was designed as a tasteful masturbatory aide and a means to drive magazine sales during the slow winter months.  In the following decades, the magazine’s impact was profound.  It initiated an era of new supermodels and made bulimia stylish.  Its success provided massive amounts of revenue for the magazine’s publisher and the tanning industry. 

Today, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue seems completely unnecessary.  We live in an era where the Interwebs are everywhere, with wireless connections in the home, office, countless coffee shops and McDonalds locations.  Smartphones have become ubiquitous, providing users with portable access to the Freeway of Super Information. 

It is a little-known secret that pornography is available for free on the Interwebs.  Several websites – nine at last count – provide access to a vast library of content to quench anyone’s thirst for provocative imagery, regardless of their personal tastes.

Are you a fan of watching elderly ladies gyrate their wrinkled naughty bits?  The Interwebs have you covered.  Do you enjoy studying interracial couples as they indulge their foot fetishes?  There is a website dedicated to that.  Would you like to see high definition videos of midgets masturbating?  There’s an app for that.

Would you enjoy watching a couple have traditional genital sex in the missionary position?  If so, please stop reading this, as you are likely a Mormon and the parental controls on your browser are not working. 

With an expansive collection of bare thighs and tits and butts and clavicles at one’s immediate disposal, the swimsuit issue seems outmoded.  I carry my phone with me at all times, so in a matter of seconds I can begin watching a group of underweight Nordic broads pee on each other’s chests.  The magazine is rather tame in comparison.

One might argue that hardcore pornography is not always desirable and that the swimsuit edition is a classier alternative.  One’s girlfriend or wife might not object to finding SI’s swimsuit issue in their significant other’s basement spank-fortress. 

Of course, this argument is easily dismissed, as the Interwebs are full of PG-13 rated imagery, such as the stupendous photo of Lisa Loeb in a thong that I recently discovered. 

Swimsuit issue enthusiasts might also argue that, unlike the Interwebs, the magazine offers tangible images that can be pinned up in one’s garage, basement or foyer.  This argument is flawed for two reasons.  First, high-quality color printers and glossy paper are inexpensive and readily available.  For example, I carry a print of the aforementioned image of Lisa Loeb in my wallet. 

In addition, pinning up pictures of bikini-clad women is not advisable.  Visitors to your home will think, “Hey, this guy is a teenager, redneck and/or a NASCAR driver.”  I recommend that you do not decorate your home with glossy photos from the swimsuit issue, unless you live in a liquor store.

Much like GloryHole.com or FistingParade.com, the swimsuit issue is designed to be a form of boner fuel, albeit a rather ineffective one.   

I decided to write a review of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, despite my skepticism.  Technically, this is not a review of the magazine itself, since I refuse to pay seven dollars for a collection of sexy but nipple-less glossy photos.  Instead, I chose to review the models themselves, based upon photos that I found on the Interwebs. 

::

Brooklyn Decker
The choice of Brookyln Decker as cover model was rather risky.  As a European blonde with blue eyes, it is unclear whether Decker will appeal to Middle America’s Christian-cracker sensibilities.

Decker’s pose is friendly and welcoming, unlike covers of recent vintage.  The vacant stare of Elsa Benitez, 2001 cover model, was overtly threatening, much like a zombie eyeing its next meal.  In 1993, I feared that cover model Vendela was going to crush me with her thighs, and then bludgeon me to death with her carefully hidden penis. 

On the contrary, Decker is both warm and fuzzy.  She is so friendly that she wears a peace sign around her neck and has unsheathed her tits for public consumption.  Her left wrist presses tightly against her right breast, as if to convey, “Look, they get bigger when you touch them.”  Touch-sensitive growing boobs are the wave of the future.

In addition, Decker’s bikini bottom sits very low on her hips.  This demonstrates that she is devoid of pubic hair.  I realize that shaved pubes are in vogue today.  Personally, I would find it quite refreshing if a Sports Illustrated model had a few stray dark and curly hairs poking out of her bikini bottom.

Damaris Lewis
I consider myself a “boob man.”  Few things turn me on more than a large, symmetrical pair of succulent female mammary glands.  Due to my devout worship of breasts, this shot of Damaris Lewis leaves much to be desired.

Aside from her expansive forehead, which may be better classified as a “five-head,” Lewis is an extremely attractive woman.  She has a delicate, curvy figure and an ass that does not, in fact, quit.  In addition, her weave looks nice.  However, her breasts are nearly completely concealed by her awkwardly-positioned arms.

Approximately 8 percent of her right breast is exposed in the picture, leaving far too much to the imagination.  In a magazine that proudly showcases women in their bikini-clad glory, this amount of concealment is unacceptable. 

Judging by the small amount of titty which is exposed, it appears that Lewis possesses a large pair of beautiful breasts.  It is also possible that Lewis’ chest was horribly disfigured by a weed whacker accident, leaving her left breast as a sagging, wrinkled flap of skin that regularly secretes pus.

I am not comfortable with this level of uncertainty.  A model’s breasts should be displayed in a clear and unobstructed manner, allowing me to properly evaluate the size, shape and overall awesomeness of her tits. 

Jessica Gomes
This picture of Jessica Gomes utilizes a common technique for photos of sexy ladies.  Her body is contorted in an unnatural and uncomfortable position that best showcases her private parts.

I find shots like this unnecessarily contrived.  I appreciate the effort to highlight Gomes’ exceptional female organs, but this is a pose that seems incredibly uncomfortable.  Under no circumstances would Gomes lean up against a car in this manner outside of a photo shoot.  In a few moments, her arms would grow tired and her lower back and legs would become sore. 

Certainly, there are alternative poses that would flatter Gomes’ figure without forcing her to twist into a completely unnatural position.  I dream of a world where models can just stand around and look hot, rather than posing in odd positions that they would never find themselves in during the course of everyday life.

Aside from the pose, I initially found little to complain about when evaluating Gomes’ photo.  Her body is stunning.  Her breast appears to house a large volume of dairy product and her pubic region is meticulously manicured.

After scientifically evaluating Gomes’ body for several minutes, my eyes eventually wandered to her face, which ruined that entire photo for me.  Despite having a misspelled Latin last name, Gomes’ eyes indicate that she may be of Asian heritage.

Asian people frighten me.  I am not a racist – in fact, I cannot be a racist, because my girlfriend is black.   My fear of Asians stems from watching too many action flicks as a child.  In the 80s, every Asian that appeared in an action movie was either an evil Chinese mobster or, more often, an evil ninja. 

I realize that all Asians are not ninjas. Statistics show that a small minority of Asian people are not ninjas, or do not possess martial arts skills.  Nevertheless, I am unable to shake my fear of Asian folks.

In fact, I briefly dated an Asian broad in college.  I had to break up with her because I feared that, during intercourse, she would break out a pair of nunchuks and beat or sodomize me with them. 

I do not think that I would like being sodomized with a pair of nunchuks, though I am far more open-minded now than I was in college.

Hannah Teter
“Who is that morose broad with a knit cap?” you might ask.  The disfigured creature pictured above is gold medalist snowboarder Hannah Teter.

Each year, the editors of the swimsuit issue decide to incorporate one or two cheeky themes into the magazine.  The themes for the 2010 issue are “Olympic Stars” and “Dancing with the Stars.”  The latter section is absolutely horrifying, as mildly spankworthy photos are interspersed with images of NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor and cauliflower-eared MMA fighter Chuck Liddell.   Few things interrupt a furious masturbation session more than photos of muscular middle-aged men.

For the “Olympic Stars” section, the editors combed the country for the sexiest participants in the Winter Olympics.  Teter was one of four athletes selected, proving that Sports Illustrated could have found finer bitches at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

I cannot look at Teter’s photo without being distracted by her nose, which is downright phallic.  Even Owen Wilson and Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street would mock the penis-like qualities of Teter’s cartoonish snout. 

Furthermore, Teter sports a childlike overbite, a silly knit hat and strange fur on her calves.  She looks like a frumpy clown with nice abs.  Frumpy clowns with nice abs do not arouse me.

Cinita Dicker
Crimson-headed Cinita Dicker has an epic set of fun bags.  Unfortunately, her skin is covered by a dense layer of freckles that are distracting and downright disgusting.

I refuse to mock Dicker any more, despite her awesome last name.  Perhaps Ms. Dicker should spend less time posing in a bikini and more time being screened for skin cancer.

::

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was a complete disappointment.  The cover showed promise, as Brooklyn Decker invited me to peruse the photos with a welcoming smile.  I should have realized that the guarded manner that she covered her boobies portended the disenchanting experience that would follow. 

I reviewed the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in hopes of finding mildly titillating imagery.  Instead, the magazine featured suggestive photos of broads with big foreheads, overbites, skin cancer, Chuck Liddell and mad ninja skills. 

I am glad that I saved seven bucks. 

6 responses to 'Review of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue'

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1. Holy shit, those are a lot of freckles.

   Carter

   02.19.10 02:16 AM

    

2. I would only purchase the SI Swimsuit Edition if it came with your commentary next to a picture of each broad. And then I would forget to read your commentary, as I would probably be having impure thoughts of said broads.

   Shak

   02.19.10 11:02 AM

    

3. Finally, someone commented on the antiquated notion that is the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. This thing is the Jay Leno of porn. In fact, Leno’s audience probably shuts themselves in their studies every year to enjoy their “smut rag” while the Viagra courses through their throbbing veins.

   I’m glad that writer was you.

   Trevor

   02.19.10 10:54 PM

    

4. Guys, what have you got for freckles? They’re cute and original, and add a character! Cintia looks great with them, they match perfectly with her red hair…

   LL

   06.01.10 10:42 AM

    

5. That is one smokin ginger, wtf? her freckles are awesome. Hot pale chick + freckles > (spray on) tan chick without.

   oliver

   11.10.11 12:45 PM

    

6. I love her freckles; they go well with her red hair, as well as make her look younger than she really is. And, those beautiful blue eyes and absolutely perfect mammaries; what more can I say?

   If she asked me, I would gladly kiss EVERY freckle on her fine, perfect body. I’d gladly rub lotion all over those freckles, making sure I didn’t miss even one of them!

   Cintia Dickers is as near perfect as any woman I have seen. She can cum visit me any time she wants.

   Owen

   12.06.11 07:01 AM

    

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