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posted: 02.24.10 at 12:00 AM
filed under: consumerism
Few things are more emblematic of American decadence than our affinity for bottled water.
More than 884 million people – nearly three times the population of United States – do not have access to clean drinking water. Meanwhile, the vast majority of Americans have a healthy and inexpensives source of water in their kitchens. We pompously take this fact for or granted, insisting on spending an ungodly amount of money on bottled water.
While hundreds of millions of people struggle to live without basic natural resources, we indulge in expensive bottles of water that allegedly come from a spring or another picturesque natural location. Then, we stroke our environmentalist sensibilities by recycling the plastic bottles. This is our idea of making the world a better place.
This is not to say that bottled water does not have a value in certain contexts. For example, if you live in an impoverished third-world country such as Somalia, Afghanistan or Mexico, I would strongly suggest that you drink bottled water.
Americans do not face the same daily struggles as those in developing countries. We are the wealthiest fucking country in the world and have vast resources at our disposal. We have iPhones, GPS units, Nintendo Wii, laptops and, most importantly, clean drinking water. Bottled water is one of many unnecessary indulgences that we use to illustrate our incredible wealth and compensate for our small penises.
If a young Zambian boy who had spent his entire life drinking from a filthy pond saw you sipping on an ice cold bottle of Dasani, he would pull you out of your four-wheel drive vehicle and beat you to death with your Amazon Kindle. I certainly would not blame him.
In 2006, Americans spent $15 billion dollars on bottled water. This is more than the annual GDP of 79 countries, including Honduras, Albania and, ironically, Fiji.
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Many mistakenly believe that bottled water is a safer, healthier alternative to tap water. They perceive bottled water as pristine and natural, while tap water is the diseased bile of the Earth.
This is a complete fallacy, and the direct result of aggressive marketing on behalf of the bottled water industry.
Like any tale of corporate greed, there is a faceless organization orchestrating this campaign. The International Bottled Water Association is an organization that represents the interest of the bottled water industry. The IBWA will boast that they are a band of good-natured, safety-conscious folks that “[assist] in the development of stringent regulations for bottled water.” Their true mission is to ensure that the local 7-Eleven is well stocked with ice cold bottles of Aquafina and Perrier.
Aligned as a powerful consortium, the bottled water industry has promoted the idea that bottled water is pure as the driven snow, while the tap in your kitchen dispenses germ-ridden waste barely suitable for washing dishes. This assertion is absolute bollocks.
In fact, the bottled water industry has far more leeway for dispensing liquid full of contaminates. The Food and Drug Administration regulates the bottled water industry, while the Environmental Protection Agency, whose regulations are far more rigorous, regulates water companies.
In fact, much of the bottled water on the market is simply tap water packaged in glossy plastic bottles and sold at a high margin.
This fact is conveniently ignored by those who buy bottled water by the cases, pissing away their money while subscribing to the bottled water industry’s insipid narrative which suggests that the faucets in our kitchen dispense a poison liquid concocted by Al Qaeda in an effort to kill millions and bring the country to its knees.
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I find it striking that many of the proponents of bottled water that I know are the same environmentally-conscious pussies that drive hybrids, cut up plastic six pack rings, eat only organic foods and recycle everything but their own feces.
Our fascination with bottled water generates an incredible amount of pollution. More than 35 billion water bottles – over $1 billion worth of plastic – end up in landfills each year.
The logistics involved in transporting bottled water to stores is staggering, because water is so fucking heavy. An 18-wheeler cannot be filled with bottles of water. Empty space must be left, or the load will be too heavy to be towed.
Each week, one billion bottles of glorified tap water are transported throughout the country.
Drinking bottled water is aggressively wasteful; a small bottle of water leaves a massive carbon footprint. Regardless, I am sure that self-righteous enviro-crusaders such as Al Gore drink bottled water exclusively, because our tap water has been contaminated by acid rain, the depleting ozone layer, global warming and the whatever environmental fad has caught the fancy of Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
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Despite my disdain for bottled water, I have accumulated a small collection of plastic water bottles. I habitually refill them with glorious and tasty tap water, reusing the bottles dozens of times. I rationalize this as a exercise in conversation, but I really do it because I am a cheap bastard.
Unfortunately, boqueen admonishes me for this behavior. When she finds several glistening bottles of water in the refrigerator, she immediately asks if I refilled the bottles from the faucet.
“Of course,” I explain. “It’s water. I’m not paying for that shit.”
boqueen will then unleash a long diatribe about the perils of reusing water bottles. She warns me that the plastic eventually deteriorates, unleashing horrible chemicals into the water. She believes that these nefarious toxins will eventually cause cancer, leprosy, hip dysplasia or ringworm.
I find this claim to be absolutely nonsensical, though I have no evidence to support my belief. Surely, I could use Lycos or WebCrawler to search the Interwebs for information to dispel boqueen’s fear of refilled water bottles, but I have absolutely no interest in doing so.
The notion that plastic bottles eventually become poisonous weapons is pure balderdash; poppycock, if you will. It is an urban myth propagated by the IBWA to promote consumer fear and increase sales of bottled water.
Furthermore, if boqueen’s fanciful tale of were true, the bottled water companies would not package their product in such inadequate and dangerous containers. Opportunistic lepers would band together and sue the companies in a massive class-action lawsuit, forcing them out of business.
Finally, I find it very difficult to believe that plastic bottles can break down over a such a relatively short period of time. I was always taught that plastics are not biodegradable and will exist in landfills until approximately one week prior to the end of time. If plastic bottles are going to outlast me by thousands of years, I am sure that they will keep well in the comfort of my refrigerator.
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I recall a time when bottled water simply did not exist. In the past two decades, bottled water has grown into a massive, lucrative industry.
I can easily find six different brands of bottled water at the filthy bodega around the corner from my apartment. At larger convenience stores, entire refrigerators are devoted to a vast variety of brands.
Americans are no longer content with the more mundane bottled water brands. Our collective infatuation with bottled water has spawned designer bottled water brands, such as Fiji, which comes in a square-shaped bottle and does not taste anything like normal water.
The sheer existence of designer water fills me with murderous rage and helps me to understand why the terrorists hate us.
Water used to be free. Businesses would give you water as a common courtesy. This was not a kind or generous gesture, but a tacit acknowledgment that the cost of water is negligible, and charging for it would be obscenely pompous.
Today, if you order water at your local McDonalds, they will attempt to sell you a bottle for nearly two dollars. A request for tap water is met with bewilderment or contempt. If successful, you will be rewarded with a thimbleful of ice chips.
This is America; water should be free. As consumers, we have failed miserably. Water was once a commodity, available to all at no cost. We willfully created a market where a gallon of water is worth more than a gallon of gasoline. This is absolutely absurd.
We have a vast supply of potable water in this country, so we need not rely on the folks at Poland Spring to package it for us. Doing so is wasteful and needlessly decadent.
The next time that you are tempted to buy a bottle of water, think of the Zambian boy who has lived his entire life without access to clean water.
He might not be so inclined to bludgeon you to death with your Kindle if you made better use of your own resources.
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If you are a selfish American pig who now feels a bit guilty, I suggest that you donate to UNICEF’s Tap Project. The Tap Project supports ensure that clean drink water gets to people who actually need it.
5 responses to 'Bottled water is for pussies'
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You know why I hate the environment and poor countries? Because they compete for attention with me. Long live bottled water!
CC
02.24.10 07:30 PM
Just think about this: Evian spelled backwards is – naive.
Renee
02.25.10 08:02 AM
As a trade association, IBWA represents hundreds of members and we don’t push any particular brand. We do represented the healthiest packaged beverage you can buy. Bottled water has the smallest carbon footprint of any bottled drink and the recycling rate of 30.9% is the highest in America for any single product. Our members have light-weighted their water bottles from 33 to 50% in only 8 years. Even the weight of the caps have been reduced. Your rant could discourage people from buying the healthiest drink they can buy. Why do that?
Tom Lauria -- IBWA
03.03.10 02:29 PM
My friend Ujala is actually working in environmental science and is pretty passionate about this subject. It’s really eye-opening the things she told me (some of which you highlighted in this post). She actually worked in Pakistan (aka, the Motherland) to help communities gather clean water.
Shak
03.03.10 09:15 PM
I wish Shak had elaborated on his friend’s work.
And as for Tom–of COURSE the SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS will try to continue the wasting of money on something that is a goddamn FREE THING.
Gross.
boqueen
03.12.10 01:30 AM