Chatroulette: Gallery of the morose

Have you heard of Chatroulette, the latest social networking sensation that is sweeping the Interwebs?

Of course you haven’t, because you aren’t as plugged in as me.  I am always aware of the latest trends on the Interwebs, because I am a social media expert and a bona fide SEM, SEO and web 2.0 marketing professional.  It says so in my Twitter profile.

Chatroulette allows you to strike up a video chat with random strangers.  Clicking “Play” puts you in touch with one the site’s hundreds of thousands of users.  If you do not like what you see, you can click the “Next” button to find a new chat partner.

To refer to Chatroulette merely as a “social networking website” is an understatement.  It is a social networking tour de force that opens a window to the world of the morose individuals that live on the Interwebs.

Armed with my webcam and a fifth of Captain Morgan, I decided to explore the Chatroulette experience.  After several hours of repeatedly clicking the “Next” button, I developed a strong understanding of the Chatroulette audience makeup.  Also, I got shit-faced drunk in the process.

 I would like to share my findings with you in the form of this spectacular gallery of screenshots.

Cracker-ass crackers
The vast majority of Chatroulette users are young, white males that troll the site in hopes of coaxing a female chat participant into flashing her breasts.  In many ways, Chatroulette is like Mardi Gras, without the music, beads and, tits.

I was a bit disappointed to discover that nine out of ten users are white males, as they are terribly boring people.  There are few interesting topics to discuss my fellow white males.  We could have discussed the advantages of living a life of privilege, chatted about the rewards of living in a world run by our own kind, or compared our favorite methods for oppressing women, minorities and handicapped people.   However, these white males are in full trolling mode, in pursuit of the elusive Interwebs booby, so we did not have the opportunity to discuss such cracker-ass topics. 

 

“Show me your tits” signs
Some Chatroulette users cannot be bothered with actually convincing females to disrobe, as this is an incredibly taxing endeavor.  These users elect to display a sign that invites women to brandish their breasts.

This tactic seems incredibly lazy, and I suspect that this method of trolling has a particularly low conversion rate.  However, some of the signs show a high level of creativity.

This sign invites women with small breasts to showcase their limitations.  I appreciate the psychological aspect of this sign.  The sign owner clearly hopes to leverage a small-breasted woman’s lack of self confidence.  Little Miss A-Cup might experience a moment of weakness, hoping that another adult human could appreciate her sickly figure.  She would experience a brief rush while she displayed her boy nipples, and the owner of the sign would be recipient of pathetic gratification.

The sign is devilishly manipulative.

I saw dozens of signs on Chatroulette, but this one had the most potential to be highly effective.  I do not understand how flashing one’s mammary glands can contribute to the Haitian relief effort, but it is a small thing to ask.  Any woman that would refuse to show her tits to help Haiti is a bad person.

 

Foreigners
I often forget that the Interwebs reach users across the globe, and I am inevitably shocked when I encounter a user that does not speak fluent English.  When this happens, I will often yell, “This is America, speak English or go home!”

This strategy is quite ineffective, as most users of the Interwebs are already in their homes.

The androgynous humanoid above began speaking to me in French.  I responded by speaking in faux Italian like a mustachioed Peter Griffin. 

“Bonjour. Où habitez-vous?” the creature asked.

“Scoozy, bobba di boopy?” I replied.

“Dans quel pays vivez-vous?” it responded.

“Bobbada boopy. Beepbada boobada babbada babbada,” I retorted.

This exchange continued for four minutes before I lost interest and clicked “next” to find another curious individual to engage.

Eventually, I encountered another foreigner.  Unlike the aforementioned sexless mammal, this man was far less impressed by my command of romance languages.  His voice was quiet yet forceful and he spoke in German.

After about a minute, he clearly became frustrated.  While I believe that he was cursing, I am not certain, because all German phrases sound incredibly dirty to me.  German is not a sexy language; it is a language of oppression and abuse.

 

Masturbators
Many Chatroulette users are men seeking to demonstrate their masturbation skills.  The number of exposed penises on Chatroulette varies depending upon the time of day.  Late in night, approximately five percent of users are choking the proverbial chicken.

I have never found images of people masturbating compelling or titillating.  Granted, I am a heterosexual male, so I am somewhat repulsed by the sight of penises, other than the glorious tube of meat that lives in my own pants.  Yet I would not be excited if I found a live video of a woman furiously massaging her clitoris.  It would not arouse me at all, unless she was squirting.  Watching broads blast liquid out of their lower fuck organ gives me a hearty erection. 

 

Creepers
Some of the men on Chatroulette are not content with taking the approach of the aforementioned crackers or sign owners.  Their trolling ability transcends that of mere mortals, and they treat the site as if it were an audition for To Catch a Predator.

The man pictured above did not say a word.  When our chat session began, he stared longingly into his webcam as if to say, “Come to my van, I have candy.”  He continued to sit nearly motionless, and I was briefly convinced that his video feed was frozen until I saw him blink. 

He stared at me for several minutes, his eyes conveying a simple message: “Whip out your penis and start cranking it.  Come on, this is Chatroulette.  Everybody does it.” 

Instead of a frightening glare, this man offers a shot of his sagging, pierced nipples.  This user’s strategy is rather unique. I am sure that is an extremely successful method for enticing chat participants to meet him in a tool shed located in a remote wooded area to play a game called “Get sodomized then die.”

 

Spiderman, et al
Occasionally, I encountered users wearing masks.  After finding dozens of videos of college-aged boys and dicks being stroked, this was particularly jarring.  In each case, the masked user refused to speak, instead preferring to communicate by typing into the text chat.

The Interwebs offer quite a bit of anonymity, so donning a mask for a Chatroulette session seemed like a bit of overkill.  I assumed that these were prominent individuals who would be instantly recognizable without the masks.  In my mind, the man wearing the Transformers mask was actually Barack Obama, while the man in the zombie mask was Nicolas Cage.

The masks immediately reminded me of Halloween, so I offered to send each of the users a piece of candy if they would type “trick or treat.”  Both complied, so early today I sent two Snickers bar via FedEx.  One was sent to an address in Hollywood Hills, while the other was sent to a “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.” 

I hope that my newfound friends write back.  If they do, I will totally show them my penis the next time that I see them on Chatroulette. 

 

Females
During my exploration of Chatroulette, I occasionally encountered a bona fide female member of my species, though this occurred quite rarely.  I would estimate that less than one percent of Chatroulette members are women.

These women seemed committed to using Chatroulette for its stated purpose – having actual conversations with strangers.  Unfortunately, after several hours of using the site, I had been conditioned to behave like many of the site’s users.  The moment a female face appeared on my screen, I pulled my pants down and began furiously wagging my flaccid penis at my webcam as I shouted, “Show me your tits!” 

The women were not impressed by my elaborate mating dance and quickly disconnected the chat sessions.

::

My experience using Chatroulette was somewhat enjoyable, though I quickly lost interest in the site.  The concept of video chats with random strangers seems marginally novel, but Chatroulette actually serves up a great deal of disturbing seriously imagery.   Low resolution videos of penises and masked men now haunt my dreams.

However, if you are a fan of jacking it on camera, you should definitely check out Chatroulette. 

::

There are other glorious galleries of Chatroulette screenshots on the Interwebs. BuzzFeed offers not one, but two seperate collections, and ChatrtScreenshots.com is a small blog dedicated to this modern art form. Use Lycos or HotBot to find more.

5 responses to 'Chatroulette: Gallery of the morose'

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1. “Watching broads blast liquid out of their lower fuck organ is gives me a hearty erection.”
   This quote is great! Please correct though. Shame on you.

   Guilmar

   03.03.10 07:29 PM

    

2. Goddamn it, Guilmar, I can’t stand it when I make those types of mistakes.

   If I were Japanese, ritualistic suicide would be my only option. It would be the honorable thing to do.

   Good thing I’m a cracker.

   bokeen

   03.03.10 11:27 PM

    

3. The Globe and Mail had a piece about Chatroulette, like, three weeks ago. Before the Olympics. So maybe you aren’t as plugged in as you think?

   Amy

   03.07.10 12:54 AM

    

4. bobbity boopity!

   my favorite part.

   boqueen

   03.12.10 01:25 AM

    

5. Whenever I see “Chatroulette,” at first glance it seems that someone has misspelled my name. Which is Charlotte.

   mizChartreuse

   03.12.10 01:26 AM

    

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