The Oscars meet the grouch

I am not comfortable living in a world where Sandra Bullock is an Academy Award winner.

Prior to Sunday night, the notion of Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar was unfathomable.  I now realize that anything is possible.  I would not be surprised to learn Paul and Ringo decided to reform the Beatles with Justin Bieber and Eminem as replacements for John and George.  If Dick Cheney defeats Barack Obama for the presidency in 2012, I will not bat an eye.

In recent years, Bullock’s name has become synonymous with terrible movies.  Her resume is a roll call of cinematic abortions, ranging from notable big-budget disasters such as Speed 2: Cruise Control to last year’s universally panned comedy All About Steve.  Movie review aggregator RottenTomatoes.com rates 23 of her 32 films as “rotten.”

Such harsh critical reception does not mean that Bullock lacks talent, but that she lacks discretion in choosing projects.  That said, it is extremely difficult to separate an actress’ performance from the pathetic films she stars in.  While Bullock’s portrayal of Gracie Hart in Miss Congeniality 2 may have been the work of a master thespian, this is difficult to discern in the context of an insipid comedic chick flick. 

Over the course of her career, Bullock helped to usher in an era of vapid comedies that are the scourge of American cinema.  For her continued contribution to the degradation of the arts, Bullock should be condemned, not rewarded.

The Academy’s decision to present the award to Bullock is incredibly puzzling, in that it reflects a highly inconsistent set of criteria for winners and a clear break from precedent.

Occasionally, the Academy will chose a winner not based upon the merit of their particular performance, but as a way to honor their entire career.  One notable example was in 1992, when Al Pacino received the Best Actor award for his role in Scent of a Woman.  Pacino’s Oscar was effectively a lifetime achievement award, as he had been nominated on four other occasions, but had never won.

Pacino’s illustrious career provided the Academy added incentive to award him the Oscar for Best Actor in 1992.  Conversely, Sandra Bullock’s penchant for performing in spectacularly awful movies should have been a factor in this year’s race for the Best Actress Oscar.

Bullock should have to atone for her previous cinematic sins.  Regardless of how strong her performance was in The Blind Side, she should have been required to star in at least two more movies that are not wretched wastes of film before being considered for an Academy Award.

(I will admit that I did not see The Blind Side, because boqueen does not allow me to watch movies where a white person becomes the savior for one or more blacks.  Other movies prohibited in our home include Dangerous Minds, Radio, Music of the Heart, Sunset Park, Freedom Writers, and even Cool Running.)

The Oscars are cheapened by the fact that Bullock owns one of the golden statuettes.  By handing an award to Bullock, the Academy undermined their credibility as an organization.  This will become far more obvious when the trailer for Miss Congeniality 3: Plodding and Plotless premieres, and the words “Academy Award Winner Sandra Bullock” figure prominently in the marketing campaign.

::

The Best Actress award was the lowlight in a thoroughly uninspired evening.  I would have found the Academy Awards completely intolerable were it not for Twitter, which enabled me to trade smarmy remarks with thousands of other viewers.  This made for an entertaining evening, despite the fact that boqueen commandeered our television against my better judgment.

I would like to channel my inner curmudgeon and complain about a few other aspects of the 82rd Academy Awards.

::

Next year, invite Carrot Top instead
After witnessing Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin share hosting duties, I am convinced that a laugh track was piped in to the Kodak Theater Sunday night, or that complementary hallucinogens were offered to audience members.  The tepid banter of the two hosts was terribly unfunny, yet the audience inexplicably responded with laughter each time a joke fell flat.

The decision to pair the two hosts was questionable at best.  Martin was once an incredibly popular comedian, but that was long before the fall of the Berlin Wall.  For over two decades, Martin has taken roles in inane family comedies, such as Cheaper by the Dozen and Pink Panther.  He clearly struggled with the fact that he is comedically irrelevant as he attempted to channel the safe and affable hosting style of Billy Crystal.

Baldwin, on the other hand, does not have an extensive background in comedy.  He seemed rigid and uncomfortable at times as he attempted to establish chemistry with his co-host.  Baldwin is extremely limited in that he is only as funny as the lines that he is reading.  This is a testament to the exceptional writing for NBC’s 30 Rock, as Baldwin creates humor not with his own talent, but with his stoic delivery of brilliant material. 

Martin and Baldwin made for a particularly awkward pairing.  I would call it a “train wreck,” but that would be disrespectful to anyone that has ever been injured or killed in a rail accident.

Featuring Sarah Jessica Parker as a sausage
I am normally not critical of the wardrobe choices of others, as I completely inept when it comes to fashion.  In fact, I feel a profound sense of accomplishment when I successfully leave the house with a pair of pants on. 

I will make an exception to this rule for equine actress Sarah Jessica Parker, whose ill-advised choice of dress made for an utterly horrifying scene on the red carpet.

Parker is truly a terrifying creature.  Each year, hundreds of people wager sizeable amounts of money, picking Parker as the winner of the Kentucky Derby.  Such confusion is understandable, based upon her close resemblance to a horse and the impressive length of her mane.

In addition, Parker has the frail, wrinkled hands of a zombie. 

Despite these horrendous deformities, Parker does have a few appealing qualities, such as her boobs, ass and stomach – collectively referred to as her “chassis.” 

At a high-profile event such as the Academy Awards, one would expect Parker to dress in a manner that showcased her impressive chassis while distracting from the fact that she is uglier than most barnyard animals.  Instead, Parker chose to wrap her body in a loose-fitting, satin gown that did little to flatter her figure.

Ultimately, Sarah Jessica Parker looked like the ungodly lovechild of Mr. Ed and a bratwurst. 

Gabourey Sidibe, your five minutes of fame is over
Sidibe is the globular being that starred in Precious, the single most depressing collection of images ever captured on film.  The film was nominated in dozens of categories, including Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Visual Effects, Best Foreign Language Film, Best Documentary Short and Best Use of Live Animals.

Since the release of the film, Hollywood has continued to heap adulation on Sidibe, which continued at the Academy Awards.  In her acceptance speech for the Best Actress Award, Bullock referred to Sidibe as “exquisite.” Oprah made reference to the long career that Sidibe has ahead of her.

Hollywood has demonstrated a deep commitment to ceaselessly commending Sidibe to the point of absurdity.  Sidibe is a mammoth specimen, so extolling the virtues of her performance has become a politically correct endeavor.  If one were to forget the obligatory shout-out to “Gabby,” they would be deemed a racist, insensitive person with a deep-seated resentment towards obese people.  Careers would be ended, the sky would fall, and the universe would implode.

Furthermore, I disagree with Oprah’s projection of Sidibe’s future.  While Oprah foresees a bright, promising career for the young actress, I envision her jockeying for a spot in the unemployment line in the very near future. 

Unfortunately, Sidibe is a hulking glob of flesh.  There are few acting opportunities for hulking globs of flesh.  Sidibe will land a few small roles in the coming months, in hopes of capitalizing on the success of Precious.  It is highly unlikely that she we ever have another starring role. 

Imagine a casting director with a trite script for a romantic comedy in hand.  Matthew McConaughey or Ryan Reynolds or Bradley Cooper or another talentless container of douche has been cast as the male lead.  The casting director must find a female counterpart for the aforementioned douche receptacle.  He has Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, Brittany Murphy and famed Hollywood semen dumpster Jennifer Aniston in mind.

Then, a colleague informs him that Brittany Murphy is dead, shortening his list to three actresses.

While mourning the loss of Brittany Murphy, the casting director notices a commercial for the Precious DVD on television.  He recalls Gabourey Sidibe’s heroic performance of the title character, and the overwhelming depression that overcame him when he first saw the movie.

The casting director picks up the phone to call Sidibe’s agent.  Is he calling to offer the job of the female lead?

Fuck no. 

The casting director offers Sidibe the job as a comedic foil, a vehicle for making jokes about fat people.  A small amount of slapstick will be involved, as Gabby will be required to fall down.  If she is lucky, a quip about flatulence will be involved.

The harsh reality is that this is the best-case scenario for Sidibe’s career.  Due to her massive girth, she would be incredibly fortunate if she is able to find another credible acting gig. 

Hollywood is a cold place, which is why I prefer to conduct business from my home in Chicago, or on the mean streets of South Central Los Angeles. 

4 responses to 'The Oscars meet the grouch'

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1. Those arms! Those arms!

   Kill me now. I love her, but seriously…dress body-appropriate, PLEASE. For the love of all that is holy.

   I must say I disagree about Gabby not having any more new roles. It could be because I’m a negressa, but Hollywood isn’t 100% Kiera Knightley Skinny. She’ll make more appearances in film and TV. Starring role? Maybe, but I’m sure this isn’t the LAST we’ve seen of her.

   SJPeePee failed me. That fashion queen really should have chosen something that showed off her toned figure. I would never in a million years wear something so straight up and down. The neckline was great, but come on! You’re a woman for a reason!

   boqueen

   03.12.10 01:28 AM

    

2. I like the “talentless container of douche” line. That was too funny. I totally agree that although Bullock was decent in “A Blind Side”, she didn’t deserve the Oscar. Even if she made good movies in the past, she still wouldn’t deserve it. It was a pretty good performance in a pretty good movie. That movie being nominated for best picture was an even bigger sham. “A Blind Side” was very similar to “Rudy”. “Rudy” was probably slightly better, but it would have been a laughable best picture nomination. It’s like they gave it a best picture nomination to justify giving Bullock the Oscar.

   Donof

   03.12.10 04:45 AM

    

3. As much as I agree with you about Sandra BullockS, I still like her. After seeing a bunch of interviews on YouTube with her, because, you know, that’s what normal people are doing with their time, she just seems like a genuine person and I don’t feel like she’s diva-ish. However, I will ALWAYS love her for being involved as an EP of The George Lopez Show, one of the most under-rated family comedies of all time.

   And I agree, SJP is an zoo creature. Sex and the City should have been rated NC-17 on HBO for excessive amounts of bestiality. I’m not sure whether Matthew Broderick is into that sorta thing, or if he just wanted a pet.

   Shak

   03.14.10 01:44 PM

    

4. As much as I agree with you about Sandra BullockS, I still like her. After seeing a bunch of interviews on YouTube with her, because, you know, that’s what normal people are doing with their time, she just seems like a genuine person and I don’t feel like she’s diva-ish. However, I will ALWAYS love her for being involved as an EP of The George Lopez Show, one of the most under-rated family comedies of all time.

   And I agree, SJP is an zoo creature. Sex and the City should have been rated NC-17 on HBO for excessive amounts of bestiality. I’m not sure whether Matthew Broderick is into that sorta thing, or if he just wanted a pet.

   Bruce

   05.19.10 04:19 AM

    

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