Praise Jesus, 24 has been cancelled, part I

Jack Bauer’s days as the inimitable television terrorist hunter are numbered.

On Friday, Fox announced that action series 24 would not be renewed for a ninth season.  I was elated as I read Fox’s press release, despite the fact that I have often referred to the show as “The Finest Television Program in the History of the Known Universe.” 

Merely three months ago, I would have found this news devastating.  However, the quality of the show has dramatically dropped this season, making it clear that it is best for the 24 crew to call it quits.

The show chronicles the exploits of counterterrorist agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), a gritty, flawed and often reluctant hero repeatedly tasked with saving the world.  The first season centered on a plot to assassinate a presidential candidate, while subsequent seasons involved thwarting impending terrorist attacks. 

These diverse terrorist threats include, in chronological order: nuclear weapons, a weaponized mega-virus, nuclear weapons again, nerve gas, even more nuclear weapons, another weaponized mega-virus and, finally, nuclear weapons. 

One might assume that the repetition of these themes would cause the show to become stale and unimaginative, but this is not the case.  In many ways, the nature of the terrorist threat was immaterial.  Compelling characters and unexpected plot twists helped establish the show’s cult following.  Disposable characters and an increased reliance on trite plot devices led to the show’s downfall.

The show’s eighth season is set in New York City, as the newly reformed Counter Terrorist Unit struggles to thwart a nuclear attack.  CTU: NY is rife with characters struck from common 24 templates.

Brian Hastings (Mykelti Williamson) serves as the hunchback Director of CTU.  Like several CTU Directors before him, he begins the day skeptical of Jack’s unconventional but highly effective tactics.  Eventually, he learns to trust and respect Jack and develops a willingness to break the rules when necessary.

Hastings’ evolution occurs over the course of several episodes and is designed to transform the audience’s attitude toward the character.  The goal is for viewers to be shocked when they discover that a character that once drew their ire has become far more sympathetic and likeable.  Unfortunately, long-time fans of the show knew what to expect when Hastings began the season as a bag of douche with poor posture.  Viewers have been on a similar journey with many of Jack’s former bosses, including Ryan Chappelle, George Mason, Erin Driscoll, Bill Buchanan and, to some extent, Larry Moss. 

I didn’t even notice you were fighting terrorists. I was too busy swooning.

Heartthrob Freddie Prinze, Jr. is terribly miscast as Cole Ortiz, CTU’s young and inexperienced Director of Field Operators.  The show’s writers have struggled to define a clear identity for the character. 

Ortiz is often described as an ethical “boy scout” type character with a reputation for playing by the rules.  He began the season as a reverent neophyte, expressing his appreciation for Jack’s past work.  Later, he is heroic, frantically steering his car in front of Omar Hassan’s motorcade to prevent an assassination attempt against the Arab President.  In recent episodes, viewers have seen the mischievous side of Ortiz as he helps his fiancée Dana Walsh cover up her misdeeds, including dumping two bodies into a swamp in one of Manhattan’s many wooded areas.   Then, he becomes Jack’s loyal sidekick, though his character has failed to differentiate himself from dozens of other past CTU field agents, other than having more speaking parts.

The show’s writers may have been attempting to craft a complex, nuanced character, but they failed miserably.  Cole Ortiz’s behavior lacks any semblance of continuity, preventing the audience from formulating a solid opinion about the character.  After 13 episodes, most viewers are unable to watch a scene with Ortiz character without thinking, “Hey, that’s Freddie Prinze, Jr.”  This is a clear sign of a poorly developed character.

Arlo Glass (John Boyd) is in charge of piloting the drones (unmanned aircraft) that survey New York City.  Glass is a young and sarcastic man who is incredibly vocal about his desire to caress Dana Walsh’s naughty bits.  The Arlo Glass character is derivative of Morris O’Brian from seasons five and six.  Like O’Brian, Glass is a proudly horny individual.  While Morris O’Brian was comically flirty and had a charming British accent, Glass is a creepy lad with patchy facial hair. 

Furthermore, Arlo Glass has done very little to advance the show’s storyline.  His drone piloting skills were shown in an early episode as a showcase of geeky eye candy, but Glass had quickly descended into becoming an uninspired comedic foil. 

Sexy gingers are incredibly rare. Here are two examples.

There are trillions of female gingers on Earth, yet only a small number are sexually attractive.  This tightly-knit group of redheaded hotties is led by Christina Hendricks, and Annie Wersching serves on the board of directors.

Wersching reprises her role as Renee Walker from the show’s previous season.  Renee began season seven as a disciplined and methodic FBI agent, later learning to embrace Jack’s more forceful style of terrorist hunting, torturing, killing and blood-lusting.  Though similar character progressions had become trite, Walker’s conversion into a bona fide badass was well executed and the character became a fan favorite.

The events of season seven sent Renee into a downward spiral.  She was fired from the FBI for her aggressive interrogation tactics.  She withdrew from her friends and family and attempted suicide.  She vacationed at the Jersey Shore and got into a fistfight with Ronnie after a long night of chugging Jägerbombs.

CTU reluctantly called Renee into action after realizing that the stereotypical Muslim terrorists had connections to the stereotypical Russian terrorists.  During an undercover operation, Renee developed deep ties to the Russian syndicate, so CTU hoped that she would be valuable in their investigation.

As a part of a field operation, Renee’s behavior proves to be violent and erratic.  She saws off the thumb of a Russian man in order to free him from his court-ordered monitoring bracelet.  In a fit of rage, she kills a suspect by stabbing him 836 times with a butter knife, then accidentally stabs Jack in the stomach.  Later, she pisses on the Pope’s blouse and chews with her mouth open.  It is clear that Walker is an unstable train wreck.

Wersching’s performance and the development of her character are one of the few highlights of season eight.  Yet the writers chose to awkwardly conjure up a love story between Renee Walker and Jack. 

During season seven, there was an understated sexual tension between Jack and Renee.  Fans were begging to see the two characters procreate, resulting in horrific babies with red hair, freckles and attached earlobes.

By the start of season eight, Jack had not spoken to Renee in over a year.  After witnessing her self-destructive, irregular behavior, Jack professed his love for her.  They both expressed that they wanted to be together, and Renee returned to Jack’s apartment, desperately awaiting a sweaty session of intercourse after Jack eventually saves the world. 

Granted, Jack’s romantic history has been checkered, including rounds with devilish turncoat Nine Meyers and whiny guttersnipe Audrey Raines, but this plot twist is utterly absurd.  Jack and Renee spent one day working together, then fell out of contact.  She is a very different woman than the one that Jack worked with in season seven.  It is inconceivable that Jack fell madly in love with Renee in 24 hours, harbored a deep-seated crush for over a year, and then declared his love after learning that Renee had become a violent lunatic.  Such fanciful tales of romance belong in daytime soap operas, not in an action series. 

While all of these grievances have made watching 24 a maddening experience, they pale in comparison to my frustration with Dana Walsh.

Click here for the stirring conclusion

3 responses to 'Praise Jesus, 24 has been cancelled, part I'

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1. Christina Hendricks isn’t even a natural redhead. But frankly, who’s going to judge? That woman is a specimen.

   I’m looking forward to the conclusion, I do enjoy a nice screed.

   Carter

   03.29.10 12:27 AM

    

2. Carter’s right – the vivacious and voluptuous Christina Hendricks is, in fact, NOT a natural ginger. Also, not even sure if Agent Hot Pants is either. She may be a natural brunette. Why I know these things? ….Don’t ask.

   Also, I agree with you on ALL POINTS.

   …So when do you wanna start geeking out for the 24 movie?????~!!!!!??!??

   Shak

   03.29.10 07:45 PM

    

3. Since when do guys actually care about whether a white woman’s hair color is natural or not? A VERY small percentage of them have the hair color they were born with. Most of them don’t even KNOW what their real haircolor is.

   That said, I will probably still cry when the show ends on May 24th. Then, since my birthday is three days later, I’ll celebrate my 24th birthday by having a 24-themed party which lasts for 24 hours.

   boqueen

   03.29.10 09:45 PM

    

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