Sandra Bullock had it coming to her

Sometimes, the news is incredibly unpredictable.

I was astonished when President Obama’s health care bill was passed. Despite the fact that earthquakes are now happening every 13 minutes, I am still stunned when another country is devastated by a quake. 9/11 caught me off slightly off guard, even though I had a job at the Pentagon at the time.

The collapse of Sandra Bullock’s marriage, on the other hand, was something that I fully expected to happen. In fact, I wish that I had found a way to wager on this when Bullock married motorcycle guy Jesse James in 2005. If I had, I would be enjoying a significant payout right now. I would probably be eating a lobster instead of writing this.

A few weeks ago, a creature named Michelle McGee admitted to making sex with James while Bullock was busy pretending to be the savior for a black kid. Bullock won an Oscar, James issued a public apology, McGee became famous and lawyers were contacted. The cycle of life continues.

Bullock and McGee have little in common, aside from their shared affinity for James’ phallus. Sandra Bullock is an actress with a penchant for taking on the role of the quirky “girl next door” in comedies, and a proven box office draw. McGee is makeup enthusiast with a diverse set of obscure occupations, including “tattoo model,” “white supremacist,” “semen depository,” and, quite possibly, “sexually transmitted disease-carrier.”

Bullock embraces the image of the clean cut “girl next door.” McGee treats her body like a NASCAR driver treats his vehicle, branding it with a plethora of obscene tattoos. Even her forehead is decorated with a large amount of green ink, giving her a distinct reptilian appearance.

When the average American male sees a picture of Michelle McGee, he might be curious about the care and feeding of such a being. For example, how large of a tank does a Michelle McGee require? Does a Michelle McGee eat vegetables or does she nosh on live crickets from Petco? Does Michelle McGee require continual warmth, or can her heat rock be unplugged overnight? How often does Michelle McGee molt?

On the contrary, Jesse James is not an average American male. When he sees a picture of Michelle McGee, he thinks, “Can I put my penis into that?” Then, he sends her a personalized message using MySpace, because MySpace is the preferred mode of social interaction for classy American gentleman.

Next, James relentlessly engages in sweaty intercourse with McGee while his wife serves as the household bread-winner, putting food on the table and whatnot. James is pleased because McGee is far more adventurous than his spouse. For example, McGee permits James to defecate on her chest as he masturbates and shouts racial slurs. Sandra Bullock would never allow that. She prefers the missionary position.

Bullock eventually heads home after filming The Blind Side. As she pulls into the driveway, James stands over the bathroom sink, frantically scrubbing McGee’s wretched smegma from his tough-guy genitals.

James greets his wife at the door, and all appears to be well in their world: he got away with having an affair and, as an added bonus, his penis smells like lavender and chamomile-flavored Softsoap. Bullock’s film turns out to be a critical success, eventually earning her an Oscar. As she accepts the award, she thanks James for being the ideal husband.

Unbeknownst to Bullock and James at the time, the proverbial shit would soon hit the fan, and their relationship would fall apart in the most public manner possible. 

In the wake of Bullock’s Oscar win, McGee saw a golden opportunity to advance her own fame. She had been fully content serving as James’ personal fuck-socket, his filthy piece of ass on the side. However, she could not pass up on the opportunity to snatch away some of Bullock’s limelight, in hope of boosting the page views of whatever novelty porn site hosts graphic videos of her tattooed clitoris.

McGee publically announced that she had an extramarital affair with James. Within days, two other classy women of high moral fiber crawled out of the woodwork, making similar claims.

The media’s reaction to the story was quite predictable. James was rightfully demonized for his actions. Bullock was cast as a victim that was blindsided by her husband’s inexcusable actions.

While I fully agree that Jesse James is a seeping bag full of douche, I am unable to feel a shred of sympathy for Sandra Bullock.

::

Several years ago, I had the misfortune of becoming acquainted with the work of Jesse James by watching television series Monster’s Garage. The reality program chronicled the day-to-day operations of West Coast Choppers, James’ custom motorcycle shop.

(I am embarrassed to admit that I ever watched Monster’s Garage. The show, and the entire motorcycle lifestyle, isn’t my style at all. The only excuse that I can offer is that I was stoned at the time and one of my closest friends is a gear head.)

Much of the show centered on Jesse James, the consummate asshole. As his crew toiled away building a motorcycle, James would engage the individuals in passive-aggressive conflicts. Occasionally, he would throw a tantrum, storming off to his office and violently slamming the door. All along, James struck a machismo posture, flexing his biceps and communicating using grunted, short phrases consisting of words no larger than five letters long.

I cannot explain exactly why, but James’ tough guy persona seemed completely contrived. He always appeared a bit unnatural as he tried desperately hard to portray the stereotypical image of a tattooed, outlaw biker-type. One might think that James adopted the machismo image to compensate for his own insecurities, but I believe that it was a deliberate marketing strategy designed to bolster the perceived masculinity of the West Coast Choppers brand.

This is not to suggest that all motorcycle enthusiasts or men with tattoos are poseurs. In fact, I believe quite the contrary. Most adults convey a particular image due to a lifestyle choice; their image serves as a reflection of their persona. Jesse James’ posturing, on the other hand, did not like a natural fit, as if his behavior were carefully calculated in order to support his public facade.

I initially thought that James was a bona fide douchebag, but I quickly came to realize that he was not worthy of such an esteemed title. Douchebags are genuine people with personality defects. James is merely a man who devotes incredible amounts of energy to representing a carefully-crafted douche-like image. He is a wannabe douchebag – a vacant douche vessel, if you will.

::

A few years later after the show began, James married Bullock. Many viewed the pairing of the tattooed motorcyclist with the clean-cut actress as an unlikely pairing, and a testament to the power of love. The James-Bullock union proved that love conquers all and that, like Paula Abdul once famously said, “opposites attract.”

In this modern-day recasting of the Paula Abdul’s hit music video, Sandra Bullock assumes the role of the pop star, while James is MC Skat Kat, the animated, stray feline that eats garbage from dumpsters.

Of course, I was quite skeptical of the celebrity couple. I felt that it was painfully obvious that Bullock showed terrible judgment in marrying James. After all, he was a well-established dick hole whose marriage to a porn star had just ended. I reasoned that James would eventually find his home life mundane when compared to the bad-ass, tough guy, rootin’ tootin’ biker lifestyle that he had been programmed to strive for. I predicted that the marriage was destined to end in a disastrous manner.

My female friends admonished me for my skepticism. They said that I was a jaded, immature boy, incapable of understanding the true, wondrous nature of love.

Nearly five years later, it became clear that James spent part of his marriage painting any dirty, tattooed surface that he could find with his ejaculate. My skepticism seems warranted.

Days after news of the scandal broke, James checked himself into a rehab facility for sex addicts. This measure is common among celebrities hoping to avoid damaging their public reputation, but it is largely unnecessary in James’ case. In fact, marital infidelity only serves to reinforce the James’ image as a tasteless, immature man who has no need for your pesky “rules.”

Bullock has been treated as a victim who was stunned and devastated by her husband’s callous philandering. In reality, she is part to blame for creating this mess. She willingly married a man who was helplessly devoted to maintaining a false persona, like an adolescent in the midst of an identity crisis.

Furthermore, she married a man who was on the rebound from a marriage with a porn star. I lack expertise in this particular area, as I have never been married to a porn star, nor have I even been romantically involved with a man who was previously married to a porn star. Regardless, this does not seem like a recipe for a healthy life-long relationship.

In choosing to marry Jesse James, Bullock exhibited the same poor judgment that she has used in selecting movie roles. Her professional miscalculations have resulted in film such as Speed 2: Cruise Control, the artistic equivalent of a coat hanger abortion. Bad decisions in her personal life will inevitably lead to a messy divorce and years of paying hefty alimony checks to a world-renowned scumbag.

On the other hand, it is possible that Bullock was caught completely off guard by James’ indiscretions. Perhaps she was shocked by her husband’s contemptible and unethical behavior.

If that is the case, Sandra Bullock is a fucking moron.  

one response to 'Sandra Bullock had it coming to her'

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1. “For example, McGee permits James to defecate on her chest as he masturbates and shouts racial slurs.”

   James: “The Jews have all the money!” *grunts*

   Kudos on another great blog.

   Trevor

   04.08.10 10:42 PM

    

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