I refuse to apologize to my douchebag neighbor, part I

I try to avoid conflicts with my neighbors.  Growing up, my father simply pretended that our neighbors did not exist.  By doing so, he avoided the common, insignificant disputes that can make life at home quite uncomfortable.

A few weeks ago, I returned home after a long vacation.  I had been out of town for over a week.  Upon arriving home, I found a note that had been slipped under my door.  I assumed that it was the typical, harmless junk mail that I had come to expect: a note about my apartment complex’s referral policy, or a flyer for AT&T’s TV and Interwebs service.

But this message was meant for my eyes only.  I was delighted to receive this personal communiqué.  It was a note from management, indicating that they were prepared to evict me due to repeated noise violations.  I promptly proceeded to lightly defecate in my undergarments after reading this. 

::

I’d had one altercation with a neighbor regarding the noise emitting from my apartment. On January 2, I was rather inebriated.  Upon returning home from the local tavern, I cued up an episode of 24 on DVD.  I went to the bathroom – I had broken the seal hours earlier – while the earsplitting sounds of the DVD boomed from my computer speakers. 

I was alarmed by the volume of the audio but, alas, I was in the midst of urinating.  For the first time in my three-month stay at my new apartment, there was a knock at the door.  I quickly finished up in the bathroom and ran to the door.

I was greeted by an angry neighbor who had been awoken by the dulcet tones of Jack Bauer saving the universe from certain destruction.  I was incredibly apologetic, and my neighbor accepted my apology.  I muted my speakers and put on a pair of headphones, restoring order to our respective worlds.

That was the only instance that I could recall generating enough noise to annoy a neighbor.  At home, I lead quite a quiet life.  Relative silence is occasionally interrupted by music, the sound of frantic typing, or by the aforementioned Mr. Bauer.  I do not own a television, and I seldom have guests.  Other than my occasional phone ranting, there is rarely a sound emanating from my apartment that would be perceivable by human ears. 

::

After recalling the incident, I gazed back at the note, noticing that it was dated one day earlier.  The note had been written and slipped under my door after I had been out of town for no less than eight days. 

It may have been possible that my apartment’s management company had simply been slow to respond to the noise complaints, waiting over a week to notify me of the impending eviction.  I considered this to be highly unlikely.  My encounters with management led me to believe that they were fairly responsive. 

I considered the possibility that my neighbor was seeking vengeance for my earlier infraction.  Perhaps he had made it his personal mission to see that I was evicted, repeatedly phoning in fake noise complaints.  I quickly dismissed his idea.  After all, my neighbor was at least five years older than me; he certainly would not resort to such immature tactics. 

::

Later in the evening, I passed by neighbor’s apartment while taking out the garbage, and I noticed that his door had been vandalized.  Upon further inspection, I realized the culprits were not vandals.  Rather, my neighbor has scrawled a message on his own door in dry erase marker: “Are you ready to apologize?” 

I had no doubt that the message was directed at me, and it confirmed my earlier suspicion.  My neighbor had been filing false noise complaints in an effort to have me expelled from the building. 

::

A lesser man would have knocked on the door and apologized profusely, in hopes of winning the favor of the neighbor.  However, with the honor of my bokeen forefathers at stake, I truly have only one option.

I must exact my revenge.  Blood will be shed, other tenants will be frightened.  But the outcome is certain.  I shall emerge victorious.

I have considered several options for my revenge plot.  Review my options and vote for the best one in part two.

4 responses to 'I refuse to apologize to my douchebag neighbor, part I'

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1. Dude this is fucking nuts. I am friends with my neighbors (went to college together) and they remind us a lot that they are glad that we are all friends instead of some douche bags. Can’t wait for the revenge plots.

   P.S. WTF is up with the website field. I want to put my URL in there bitch!

   P.S.S. What’s and amateur CPA?

   P.S.S. I’ve had a bit to drink. Don’t mind me.

   Adan

   02.05.09 11:54 PM

    

2. Bokeenium? With an atomic number of 24? Fantastic.

   Your neighbor is clearly sociopathic. I wonder how many writes and re-writes it took him to come up with the magic passive-aggressive dry erase threat. Nice!

   Get ‘im.

   @Adan, Not sure what you’re referencing, but I believe CPAs are certified public accountants.

   Char

   02.06.09 12:20 AM

    

3. Oh mna! It’s on! This is kicking off very similar to a Dane Cook bit. I can’t wait.

   Layheyhey

   02.06.09 08:30 AM

    

4. Oh Bokeen… I hope you have less actionable offenses than the last time we spoke! I’m not bailing you out of the local Waukegan lock up… but I will bake you a cake with a file in it.

   W. Povich

   02.06.09 01:11 PM

    

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