I refuse to apologize to my douchebag neighbor, part II

Previously on bokeen.com: I woke up my neighbor with a loud DVD – once.  My neighbor complained – multiple times.  My neighbor wants me evicted.  Jack Bauer is still working undercover with the Salazars.  I must exact revenge.  Read part one for more details. 

I have several options for my diabolical revenge plot.  Please review the options outlined below, then vote for your favorite.  The bokeen strategery team welcomes your input. 

1 ::  Turnabout is fair play

Pardon the cliché, but I could give my neighbor a dose of his own medicine.  My own phone-calling campaign could potentially result in my neighbor’s eviction.  This would be a test of wills, a competition to lodge the most complaints as quickly as possible.

This option will not receive strong consideration, as it could result in the eviction of both me and my neighbor.  While highly unlikely, the chance exists that we could become neighbors again.  The battle would be lost and the war would continue.  This isn’t the Gaza Strip – I will end this thing.

2 :: Turnabout is fair play,  nuclear edition

In apartment complex, the walls are constructed of rice paper supported by popsicle sticks.  When I am sitting in my kitchen, I can hear another neighbor scratching her ancient buttocks.  My neighbor to the south – the complaining neighbor – occasionally engages his girlfriend in loud arguments late at night.  Since our bedrooms are situated on either side of the same flimsy wall, I hear every syllable uttered during these pedestrian disputes. 

Occasionally, the tone of the arguments becomes heated, and I wonder if she is a victim of domestic abuse.  Since I maintain a laissez-fair approach to neighbor relations and I have little sympathy for people who imprison themselves in abusive relationships, my wonderment does not turn to concern. 

However, my attitude could change.  I could take my phone calling campaign to the police, dialing 911 any time a cross word is uttered in the apartment adjacent to mine.  Management would quickly grow tired of the repeated visits by the cops, and my neighbor would be evicted.  Or, if he does smack his girlfriend around, he’d eventually be arrested once his girlfriend decided to press charges.  Either way, I win. 

3 :: Blackout

I’ve noticed the locked door for the electrical room in the basement of the building.  The room seems poorly secured – the flimsy lock on the doorknob could easily be bumped open.  This would give me access to the main circuit breakers for every unit in the building. 

I could cut off electricity to my neighbor’s unit at random times.  I would take great care in doing this, in order to prevent being caught. 

This would be terribly inconvenient for my neighbor.  If the building’s maintenance department does not have keys to the door, he would have to wait for ComEd to respond to restore power. 

The fault in this approach is that it is a temporary solution.  ComEd would certainly install more secure locks, forcing me to pursue a different approach to revenge. 

4 :: Do you hear that?

Since my neighbor and I share a bedroom wall, I have easy access to his bedroom window; both my bedroom window and his share a common windowsill.  I can leverage this by disrupting my neighbor’s sleep on a regular basis.

First, I would acquire a digital voice recorder with a powerful speaker.  I would load a series of loud and disturbing sounds onto the recorder.  For example, I find the sounds of shattering glass or bloodcurdling screams to be somewhat disturbing when I am sleeping.

The recorder would be modified so it could be remotely triggered.  This would require the help of a geek with mad skills in electronics.  I know several such individuals that could be monetarily persuaded to aid me in my diabolical scheme. 

The recorder would be affixed to the bottom of the windowsill using caulk.  I would trigger the sounds at random intervals late in the evening.  The mysterious disturbance would certainly prompt my neighbor to move, or cause him to become afflicted with crippling psychosis. 

5 :: Do you smell that?

Each unit in my apartment complex is equipped two electric units that double as a heaters and air conditioners.  These types of units are commonly found in motels.

The close proximity of our bedrooms provides me with access to the air intake vents of my neighbor’s bedroom heater.  I would fill a nylon stocking with unpleasant smelling substances, such as rotten fish, moldy cheese or poo.  The stinky stocking would be affixed to his heating unit so that the payload covered the intake vents of the unit.  The offensive odor would be warmed and blown into his apartment, causing a rather unpleasant experience. 

If successful, this approach would prompt my neighbor to seek a new, more pleasant smelling home. 

6 ::  The old fashioned

I kick my neighbor’s ass and make him my bitch.  Problem solved. 

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5 responses to 'I refuse to apologize to my douchebag neighbor, part II'

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1. Hm. I seem to be the 1st person to vote.

   Special?

   Chris Majka

   02.06.09 09:42 PM

    

2. Let’s just be clear, “The Old Fashioned” isn’t really an option for you. You’re not a fighter; you’re a runner. And by “runner” I do not mean in the Olympic sense, I mean in the fleeing the scene sense.

   Also, I still maintain that “Did you smell that” will negatively affect you too.

   W. Povich

   02.08.09 10:39 AM

    

3. You know my opinion. I like calling the cops. But the fact that you’ve now blogged about it could make it an undesirable choice.

   Prosecutor: I would like to submit evidence (notes from blog) which will prove the defendant purposefully mislead and misused emergency police services.

   Defense Attorney: Fuck.

   (3 months later)

   Bokeen: My butt hurts.

   White Chocolate

   02.08.09 12:53 PM

    

4. I’d casually turn the power off once a night for just long enough to make sure his alarm doesn’t go off in the morning. After a couple weeks of this, he would be one of the many unemployed, not able to make his rent payment, and therefore get evicted. Just watch out for cameras and guards.

   Shell

   02.09.09 09:44 AM

    

5. I choose the bloodcurdling screams because even if you lose or not, it will definitely give him nightmares. I suggest playing them even if he’s asleep. It will induce nightmares that will scare him for life. At the very least, his attention will be subverted so he doesn’t think of lodging complaints, and he’ll probably be wasting his money on therapy.

   Laugh out once in a while!

   04.04.10 01:05 AM

    

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