Who is They?

It has become commonplace in conversation to cite “they” as a source for information to lend credibility to one’s arguments. For example, “They say that cell phones can cause brain cancer.” The pronoun “they” acts as a stand-in for conventional wisdom, an old wives’ tale or a nameless panel of experts.

This practice should be banished from our language immediately.

The use of “they” has become a trite method for making one’s arguments more substantive. It is as if “they” represent a panel of experts in every science and art known to man – a personal cabinet of advisors to the Supreme Queen of Wisdom. Or perhaps “they” refers to imaginary voices inside one’s head, peppering the speaker’s knowledge with questionable factoids while bolstering the speaker’s confidence level.

Relying on the fictitious panel of experts represented by “they” does not boost one’s credibility. On the contrary, it destroys the credibility of the speaker by plainly exposing his or her preference unsubstantiated facts with very little evidence and zero appeal to authority.

When I encounter someone who relies on “they” are their source for information, I am quick to disarm the speaker. Take these real life examples, including my responses.

“They say that if you build [a campfire] this way, it will start quicker.”
Thank you for the advice. I have been building campfires since I was in Cub Scouts. Obviously “they” have discovered a method of building fires that eludes both the Scouts and the United States military. Please, share this ancient secret with me.

“They say that if you build the fire this way, it will burn longer.”
You know what else would make the fire burn longer? Your fat ass. Hop in the pit – it’s going to be chilly tonight, bitch.

“They say that those insect light bulbs actually attract more bugs.”
Did “they” ever live next to a stinky-ass creek in the middle of the summer? During West Nile season? I did, and bug bulbs are a godsend.

“They say that ten million people die every day because of [insert undesired behavior].”
Fuck statistics. They are rarely scientific, and I am tired of hearing various special-interest groups (MADD, ACLU, PETA, NRA, MoveOn.org, the Anti-Tobacco Lobby, the Religious Right, etc.) touting horrifying numbers that are clearly distortions of reality. I don’t care how good your cause is, if part of your message is untrue, why would I even entertain the rest of your ideas? There one good place for bullshit numbers: it’s called a 1040.

“They says that [insert undesired behavior] causes [cancer/heart disease].”
Bullocks. If you can pinpoint the causes of cancer and heart disease, please contact the scientific community; they would like you to share this information with them. Remember that years ago, vegetable oils high in trans fats replaced lard in fast food restaurants due to health concerns. Decades later, oils high in trans fats were replaced due to – wait for it – health concerns. It’s only a matter of time before we discover that trans fat-free cooking oil causes brain tumors. In the meantime, you should stop posturing as if you know all the causes of deadly diseases. Plus, face it: everything causes cancer.

“They say that regular sunglasses don’t protect from all harmful UV rays.”
Oh, so “they” must be the people doing the commercials for BluBlockers. Clearly, this is an unbiased source.

“They say that Barack Obama is a Muslim that was born in Kenya.”
Take off the tin foil hat and shut the fuck up.

::

The word “they” serves a unique function. In citing an ambiguous source, the speaker fools him or herself into believing that they are more knowledgeable about a subject then they truly are.

We cannot be experts at everything. By knowing and accepting our limitations, we are more adept at dealing with the world around us.

No one can answer every single question about every single topic known to humankind. Many individuals have risen to the peak of their profession despite their glaring flaws. Albert Einstein struggled in school as a child. Michael Jordan is a womanizer with a gambling problem and can’t hit a slider.

Perhaps most notably, George W. Bush became President of the United States, and he could hardly speak English.

4 responses to 'Who is They?'

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1. I have consciously tried to stop doing this ever since one incidence I had when I was a waitress. The food order came out wrong and the customer wanted it for free. I said “they wont allow us to do that” because this is what I had been told. The customer asked me who “they” where. This question, if you have ever been confronted with it, will fluster you awfully. Turns out the customer complained to “they” and got their whole meal comp’d. I will never trust “they” again.

   tanja

   02.26.09 05:17 AM

    

2. They say a man should always dress for the job he wants. So why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?

   InsultComicDog

   02.26.09 10:44 PM

    

3. You mean I can’t believe everything I hear on Fox News???

   bwahahahahahahahaha…..

   Sue your cousin

   03.01.09 10:18 AM

    

4. “They,” by Jem.

   Who made up all the rules? We follow them like fools. Believe them to be true; don’t care to think them through.

   And it’s ironic too; ’cause what we tend to do is act on what “they” say…And then it is that way

   Do you see what I see? Why do we live like this? Is it because it’s true that ignorance is bliss?

   Who are they? Where are they? How do they know all this?
   And I’m sorry, so sorry. I’m sorry it’s like this.

   Char

   03.02.09 11:47 PM

    

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