‘L’ Archetypes, part III: The Ignorant Traveling Family

The Ignorant Traveling Family is found riding the ‘L’ during rush hour on weekdays.  They are only found on the outbound Blue and Orange lines, en route to O’Hare or Midway airports.  They are a traditional nuclear family comprised of a mother, father and two children.  The children vary in age, but are usually under the age of 13.

All Ignorant Traveling Families are white and bare very few identifying markings, other than the requisite luggage they carry for their vacation.

The amount of luggage carried by a single family is breathtaking.  On average, a family of four will possess approximately 174,614 cubic meters of luggage.  Perhaps most remarkable is that each of the countless bags matches perfectly, as if part of an expansive set.

Scientists can offer little explanation for the sheer breadth of the Ignorant Traveling Families’ luggage.  It is estimated with the amount of clothing contained in nearly 175,000 meters of luggage, a family of four could survive for 13.2 months without having to do laundry and without wearing the same outfits twice. 

While attempting to identify an Ignorant Traveling Family in the wild, it is important to note the location of the luggage relative to the doors of the train car.  No less than half of the family’s luggage will be stacked in front of the doors, blocking about two-thirds of the entryway.  This behavior is designed to severely inconvenience the other riders of the train, suggesting that the parents may very well be douchebags.

The study of the Ignorant Traveling Family’s behavior has fascinated scores of scientists. The mother and father invariably sit at least 10 feet apart, and the father is most often situated near the door of the train car.  One child is relatively relaxed, while the other awkwardly fidgets, unable to find a comfortable seat.  The child will alternate between sitting near the mother, standing by the father and sitting on a piece of luggage.

The unruly child is completely unresponsive to commands.  One parent will often call the child’s name repeatedly, to no avail.  When the child finally responds, the parent requests that the child sit in a seat like the other commuters.  The child will refuse, and the parent will call the child’s name repeatedly, to no avail.  This process continually repeats for the duration of the train ride.

The mother and father never communicate, let alone make eye contact.  Scientists believe this is evidence of a loveless marriage. 

The Ignorant Traveling Family is not to be confused with a regular Traveling family.  Regular families do not travel with an armada of baggage that obstructs the exit of the train car.  Furthermore, most families do not travel to the airport during rush hour.

The ‘L’ is terribly busy during rush hour, with hundreds of commuters packed tightly into a single train.  The Ignorant Traveling Family is clearly unaware of this, or completely inconsiderate of others.  The family will occupy as much space as possible with their massive luggage; scientists estimate that one Ignorant Traveling Family can occupy as much space as 15 obese commuters.

Many have struggled to determine why the Ignorant Traveling Family insists on booking a flight at 6:30 p.m., necessitating a rush hour ‘L’ ride to the airport.  Some psychologists hypothesize that this is actually a subconscious form of sadistic, passive-aggressive behavior.  They believe that the parents of the Ignorant Traveling Family feel a perverse delight while watching commuters uncomfortably navigate around their mountain of luggage in order to exit the train.

One should take great caution when encountering an Ignorant Traveling Family in the wild.  Due to the space requirements of the family and their luggage, it is advisable that one immediately move to another car on the train to avoid claustrophobia and an intense feeling of murderous rage. 

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