Cubs fans are deranged masochists

Today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball.  Opening Day is a consummate American event – like apple pie, the blues and the persecution of blacks, Opening Day is part of the Fabric of America. 

I am fortunate to live in Chicago, where we are blessed with two baseball teams.  While 131% of Chicagoans are Cubs fans, I relish in the fact that I am a White Sox fan.  Side note: the Sox won the World Series in 2005 – suck on that, bitches.

I am amazed by the number of meatball Cubs fans in the Chicagoland area.  I find that when I reveal the fact that I am a Sox fan to a new acquaintance, they treat me as if am a leper with stigmata and SARS. 

The majority of Chicago sports fans trade stocks in the loser-based economy of Cubs fandom.  Clearly, these people are suckers for punishment.  The Cubs are one of the oldest franchises in the MLB, yet they have not won a title in over nine centuries.  Yet millions of fans pledge their devotion to the franchise, knowing damn well the team will crap its pants come playoff time.  These people are clearly masochists. 

You might not be able to hear her, but she’s saying “Woo-hoo, go Cubbies.”

After all, why would one subject himself or herself to annual, ritualistic punishment such as watching the Cubs fail?  The most devoted fans experience the greatest pain.  For one to say “I am a Cubs fan” is the equivalent of saying “Step on my cubes, it gets my rocks off.”

What’s worse is when a sad and dejected Cubs fan decides to indoctrinate their young son or daughter with the same affinity for the Cubs.  “My dear child,” the Cubs fan says, “I would like to introduce you to an endless cycle of hope and crushing disappointment.” This is certainly a form of child abuse. 

Sure, the Cubs are fun to watch.  Over the last few years, they have had some great teams.  But I will not treat the piss-soaked ancient stadium known as “Wrigley Field” as a shrine.  It is Chicago’s Temple of Fail. 

Contrary to popular belief, the Cubs are not cursed.  They could field the best team in baseball, but the crippling weight of the expectations of millions of fans causes the team to fail come playoff time.

The curse is not a metaphysical phenomenon.  Rather, the curse exists in the heads of the team’s players and management.  Cubs brass will denounce the existence of the curse while resorting to inane tactics to exorcise the team of the blight.  During the 2008 playoffs, the team brought in a Greek Orthodox priest to bless the team’s dugout.  The blessing didn’t work.  For the second year in a row, the Central Division champion Chicago Cubs failed to win a single playoff game. 

 When the stakes are too high, the team is bound to fail. 

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The concept of a “loveable loser” is roundly un-American.  The Dallas Cowboys were dubbed “America’s Team” when they were absolutely dominating the NFL.  For sports fans, the apex of enjoyment is achieved in watching their team relentlessly pursue a championship and ultimately succeeding. 

Rather than aspiring to shout “We’re number one,” Cubs fan are content with “Wait until next year.” 

During the American Revolution, Patrick Henry did not sheepishly proclaim, “Give me liberty or don’t.  Either way, it’s your call.”  If he were alive today, Patrick Henry would not be a Cubs fan. 

There is no valor or glory in failure.  When the Los Angeles Lakers were spanked in last summer’s NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant did not pump his fist and raise two fingers in the air, shouting “We’re number two.” 

Kobe didn’t accept his defeat because that’s not what sports is all about.  Professional sports are about the ultimate payoff – being able to say you are the undisputed champion. 

Cubs fans fail to recognize this, and it is totally fucking pathetic.  

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