Top ten reasons why I hate the Cubs, part I

Hate is such a strong word.

Many sports fans take very little discretion when using the word, to the point that the adjective has become trite.  I love the Chicago Bulls, but I did not hate the “Bad Boys” Pistons teams of the late 80s and early 90s.  As a Bears fan, I do not hate the Green Bay Packers many Chicagoans do; I simply dislike the cheeseheads.  I do not hate the New York Yankees; I am merely indifferent toward the team.

When I use the word “hate” to describe how I feel about a team or a player, it is not hyperbole.  And I truly hate the Chicago Cubs.

I am in the minority of Chicagoans; most claim to bleed “Cubbie Blue.”  When I am asked why I hate the Cubs, I find it difficult to come up with a succinct response.  There are so many reasons that it is difficult to provide a quick summary. 

I have boiled down my reasons into a concise list of the top ten.  By no means is this list comprehensive, but it will help you understand my distaste for the North Siders. 

Without further ado, I am proud to present part one my list of the top ten reasons why I hate the Chicago Cubs.

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10.  The Treatment of Steve Stone
Steve Stone is one of the finest color commentators in the sport.  When Stone is in the booth, the audience enjoys his unparalleled understanding of the game.  He does not simply comment on the game, he actually teaches the audience about baseball strategy. 

Stone was a fixture of Cubs broadcasts for about two decades; for 15 years, he was partnered with legendary play-by-play man Harry Caray.  During the 2004 season, Stone was critical of both the players and Cubs manager Dusty Baker, much to the chagrin of the team.  Baker and Cubs GM Jim Hendry made no secret of their displeasure with Stone, straining his relationship with the organization.  Pitcher Kent Merker went as far as confronting Stone in a hotel lobby.  Stone decided the situation had become too tense and he decided not to renew his contract with the team.

Apparently, the Cubs are as dedicated to free speech as the People’s Republic of China.  Stone’s criticism was well-deserved; the team wasted an opportunity to make the playoffs with a late-season collapse. 

One of the best color guys in baseball was ostracized by an overly-sensitive team, to the point that he felt it necessary to tender his resignation.

Stone is now teamed with Hawk Harrelson in the booth for telecasts of White Sox games, and I couldn’t be happier.  While the Cubs’ loss has translated into a huge gain for my favorite team, I find the Cubs’ handling of a talented broadcaster to be incredibly immature.

9. “Loveable Losers”
I have already written about my objections to the concept of a “Loveable Loser.”  Very simply, there is nothing loveable about a loser.  I find the Cub’s repeated failings to be repulsive rather than endearing.

8. Sammy Sosa
Granted, Sosa has not worn a Cubs uniform in nearly five years.  But during his tenure with the team, Sosa became the face of Chicago sports.

I never liked Sosa as a player.  To me, seemed to be more concerned with personal records that with the success of his team.  I am convinced that Sosa would rather hit 70 home runs than win a World Series title.  Naturally, Cubs fans disputed me on this fact.

Sosa’s reputation has been tarnished due to allegations of steroid use.  I suspected that Sosa juicing a decade ago.  It is simply unnatural for a player’s production is jump so dramatically in a short period of time.  Sosa hit 10 homers in 1991.  In 1996, he hit 40.  Two years later, he hit 66.   

I saw Sosa’s swelling arms and numbers as a clear indication that he was taking performance enhancing drugs.  Naturally, Cubs fans disputed me on this fact.

Best. Pitch. Ever.

When Sosa was caught using a corked bat, a large number of Cubs fans believed his explanation that the bat was normally used for practice and was accidentally used in the game.  I felt that his reaction when the bat was broken was telling; Sosa was shocked and immediately scrambled to pick up the pieces.  To me, this was a clear indication that Sosa knew that he was cheating.  Naturally, Cubs fans disputed me on this fact.

Sosa’s subsequent fall from grace was remarkable.  Over the course of the following year and a half, he was transformed from a beloved hero into a despised cheater.   Before the start of the 2005 season, Sosa was traded to the Baltimore Orioles.  The fans bid the disgraced star “good riddance.” 

As suspicions about Sosa’s alleged steroid use grew, many of the Cubs fans I know claimed that they had been suspicious about all along, and that they had never drank the Sammy Sosa Kool-Aid.  Naturally, I disputed them on that fact. 

7. Ron Santo
Ron Santo is the color commentator for the Cubs’ radio broadcast.  Santo’s dottering banter is seldom tolerable or coherent.  His broadcasts are decorated with groans and pregnant pauses as he struggles with his dementia to find something insightful to say about the game.  He never succeeds, only offering disjointed ramblings and obtuse commentary.

In many ways, Santo is Bizzaro Steve Stone.  He is a bumbling invalid trapped inside the legless body of a color commentator. 

To make matters worse, Santo surfaces in the news every other year when the Veteran’s Committee selects new inductees for the Baseball Hall of Fame.  When Santo is inevitably passed over, the Chicago media interviews the whiny and dejected senior citizen to remind all of us that, yes, Ron Santo is terribly disappointed that he was not select for the Hall of Fame. 

Ron Santo is not worthy of the Hall of Fame; his numbers simply do not rank him among the game’s all-time greats.  Naturally, Cubs fans dispute me on this fact.

I know quite a few Cubs fans that feel Santo does a horrendous job in the broadcast booth.  I would find the team slightly more tolerable if he was replaced with a color commentator with some semblance of talent.

6. The fans
It’s not uncommon for White Sox fans to criticize Cubs fans for their lack of interest and knowledge in the game.  While there are many Cubs fans that enjoy and appreciate a baseball game, the criticism is warranted.

A summertime game at Wrigley more closely resembles a college kegger than an actual sporting event.  Loud, Frat Boy Meatballs guzzle copious amounts of booze, in a clear attempt to induce alcohol poisoning.  Blonde North Side Trixies compete for the attention of the aforementioned meatballs by dressing to reveal as much cleavage as possible.  Fans eat and drink while chatting and flirting with one another, completely oblivious to the game on the field.

I am convinced that the baseball game could be replaced with a rodeo or a bocce match, and half of the fans in Wrigley Field would be none the wiser. 

The fact that these disinterested fans spend shitloads of money on overpriced tickets simply to hang out at Wrigley doesn’t inherently bother me.   However, the actions of these obnoxious fans are a distraction to other fans that are actually interested in the game.

The White Sox experienced increased popularity after winning the World Series in 2005.  The following couple seasons, many of the same Fratboy Meatballs were drawn to Comiskey Park.  These contemptible idiots made it difficult to enjoy a game.  Fortunately, the phenomenon was temporary and order was restored to the South Side when these imbeciles lost interest. 

There is a place for binge drinking, screaming, french-kissing strangers, puking and generally acting a fool.  It is called “college.” 

Tune in for numbers five through one, coming soonish.