home
contact
subscribeTop ten reasons why I hate the Cubs, part II
posted: 04.21.09 at 11:30 PM
filed under: sports
Click here to view the view the first part of this list.
5. Wrigley Field
To Cubs fans, the Temple of Fail at Addison and Clark is a holy shrine. To me, it is a piss-soaked relic of a bygone era that should be razed immediately.
I first attended a Cubs game when I was about eight years old. Ironically, most distinct memories I have of that day are not about the game itself, but about the bathrooms. The men’s bathrooms at Wrigley do not feature urinals like a normal, modern facility. Instead, male Cubs fans must relieve themselves in a communal trough.
As I used the bathroom, the urine of the man next to me splashed on the steel trough onto me. I found this to be utterly disgusting, since I do not share any sexual fetishes with R. Kelly.
I have too much self respect to use a trough for any purpose, as I am not livestock.
Discounting the unsanitary nature of the bathrooms, I have other reasons for disliking Wrigley Field. For example, the building is falling apart. Every few years as the building crumbles, large pieces of concrete fall to the street below. The team has struggled to cope with the problem, and Mayor Daley (D-Machine) even threatened to close the park in 2003.
It’s only a matter of time before someone is injured by a piece of ancient, urine-stained concrete debris and the park is forced to close. I am in favor of tearing the building down and building a modern shopping mall, complete with a Starbucks and a California Pizza Kitchen.
4. The Curse
Cubs fans often attribute decades of failure to the “Curse of the Billy Goat.” In 1945, Billy Sianis, owner of Chicago’s Billy Goat Tavern, was asked to leave a World Series game at Wrigley. Apparently, other fans had complained that his pet goat reeked.
Apparently it was acceptable for grown men to date goats in the 1940s.
Sianis was irate about the slight to his beloved goat. “Them Cubs, they aren’t gonna win no more,” he proclaimed. Over the following decades, many took this to mean that the team had been cursed.
The Cubs have made several attempts to break the curse, ranging from making peace with goats by allowing them into the park, honoring Sianis’ son, even having a Greek Orthodox priest bless the dugout.
Each of these attempts was futile because curses are not real. Chicago isn’t ancient Egypt. Baseball games are not played out in the Old Testament.
Immature Cubs fans use the inane concept of the curse as a convenient excuse for the team’s failure. The irony is that the urban legend has grown to the point that it has a negative effect on the players; the curse and the great attention it receives causes the superstitious athletes to believe, on a subconscious level, that the team is cursed. Failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Proponents of the curse also ignore the fact that when the Cubs were supposedly cursed, the team had not won a World Series is more than three-and-a-half decades. This was at a time that there were only 16 Major League Baseball teams. The team’s struggles began long before Sianis and his cloven mistress were booted from the park.
3. The fans
Yes, Cubs fans appeared on part one of this list. Number six discussed the Frat Boy Meatball bleacher bum fans and their apathy for the game. Number three is about the same Frat Boy Meatballs that pollute the streets with their contemptible presence.
It is quite difficult to have a good time in a Wrigleyville bar on the day of a Cubs game. Cubs fans have a way of dominating a social setting and sucking the life out of bar patrons. They obnoxiously stumble in after the game, drinking and shouting as if they were still in the bleachers.
God forbid that that there is a television in the bar tuned to ESPN. If highlights from the Cubs game are aired on “Sportscenter,” the Cubs fans will be compelled to shout “Yeah! I was there! Woo! Go Cubbies!” at the top of his lungs. Obviously, this is not a remarkable feat, considering that the bar is located no more than 600 feet from the gates of Wrigley Field.
Cubs fans will behave with the same reckless abandon outside of bars as well. And since the imbeciles running the team insist on clinging to tradition by playing most games during the day, drunken meatballs can be found roaming the streets of the North Side during the peak of afternoon rush hour. Masses of Frat Boy Meatballs will clog the ‘L’ alongside weekday commuters. On a warm summer day, no smell is more offensive that the signature Cubs fan odor of armpit sweat and Old Style.
Living near Wrigleyville is not advisable. A few years ago, I lived in Lincoln Park, nearly a mile-and-a-half from the park. Relaxing summer afternoons on the porch would be rudely interrupted by the excited howl of fans returning from the day’s game. Win or lose, these ass-clowns found it necessary to yell “Cuuuuubies” as loud as possible every 27 seconds.
Night games would be even worse. Apparently, night games afford Cubs fans the opportunity to consume even more booze, which was reflected in their increasingly idiotic behavior.
One day, I looked out my living room window and spotted a man in a Mark Prior uniform and cargo shorts urinating on the door of my parked car. This was a deed would not go unpunished. I grabbed by trusty pellet gun and fired two shots at the drunkard.
Apparently, two BBs to the scrotum was an effective deterrent; the man zipped up and scampered to the alley.
2. “Go Cubs Go”
“Go Cubs Go” has become an anthem for the Cubs and is played ad nauseam on Chicago radio as the season draws to a close and fan anticipation builds for another futile playoff run. “Go Cubs Go” is an absurd yet infectious tribute to the team that was written at a second-grade level.
Cubs fan love to sing along to the idiotic refrain: “Go Cubs Go. Go Cubs Go. Hey Chicago what do you say? The Cubs are gonna win today!”
While those are rather poignant lyrics, I suspect that the song was not a Lennon-McCartney collaboration.
Perhaps the lyrics were kept simple to allow inebriated fans to follow along. Personally, I prefer that my team’s rallying cry does not resemble a nursery rhyme.
1. Ronnie Woo Woo
Every sport team needs a mascot. The Bulls have Benny, the Bears have Staley and the White Sox have SouthPaw. And the Cubs have Ronnie Woo Woo.
Ronnie Woo Woo is a sad man in his 60s who was once homeless. He is now a local celebrity for his ability to come up with inventive cheers, such as “Cubs! Woo! Zambrano! Woo! Cubs! Woo!”
Ronnie Woo Woo has become a fixture at games. Fans will donate tickets to him so that they can be serenaded by his incessant cheering.
The fool can also be found around the city, starving for attention and always wearing a complete Cubs uniform.
Apparently, the gig as the Cubs’ mascot does not come with dental.
Yes, a grown-ass man wearing a baseball uniform is a sad sight when the man is not being paid to manage a team.
I’ve encountered Ronnie Woo Woo several times in public, he always smells like ass sweat. Could a Cubs fan donate some quarters to Ronnie so he could run his uniform through the wash?
One of my brushes with the opulent Mr. Woo Woo was at hotel bar in Rosemont. The bar was virtually empty, spare myself, my redneck stepbrother (brokeen), Ronnie Woo Woo and a few of his adoring fans.
My back was turned to the stinky mascot, so brokeen spotted him first.
“Lookit,” he said between sips of his beer, “that piece of shit Ronnie Woo Woo.”
I glanced over my shoulder and saw Ronnie Woo Woo signing autographs for a group of misguided people. I turned back to brokeen, shaking my head.
“We should kick the shit out of him,” brokeen joked. “We’d be heroes.”
A few moments later, the Woo Woo Fan Club left. I felt a strange sensation, as if I were being watched. I turned to see Ronnie Woo Woo gazing at to our table, as if to invite us to a quick autograph session.
I turned away and brokeen and I remarked how sad it was that the old fool’s lust for attention was so patently obvious.
Ronnie Woo Woo continued to look over to our table for several minutes. brokeen’s frustration boiled over.
“The fuck you starin’ at, ya creepy old bastard?” brokeen shouted across the bar. “You keep lookin’ over here and we’re gonna beat the livin’ shit out of you.”
Ronnie Woo Woo was shocked and started for the door. Emboldened by brokeen’s display, I joined in the chorus. “And buy some soap on the way home, you smell like a sweaty ball sack.”
Our server hurried to our table. I expected to be tossed out of the bar, but her uncontrollable laughter prevented her from even scolding us.
“To be honest, I’m glad he’s gone,” she said, “he was sitting there for hours, signing autographs for a few people here and there. He didn’t buy a damn thing.”
“We shoulda beat his ass,” brokeen said.
“No,” I responded, “it wouldn’t be worth it. I don’t want to kick and old dude’s ass just to take his empty-ass wallet.”
I am fully certain that a public encounter with any other team’s mascot would have been far less contentious. Benny the Bull shoots t-shirts out of a cannon and jumps off of a trampoline to dunk a basketball. Ronnie Woo Woo cheers like a moron and leers at young men for attention.
If you team’s adopted mascot is a creepy old man, your team is worthy of my scorn.
7 responses to 'Top ten reasons why I hate the Cubs, part II'
subscribe to comments with RSS
or TrackBack to 'Top ten reasons why I hate the Cubs, part II'.
There are at least 4 mens rooms I can count without troughs.
Scott
04.22.09 12:34 AM
(By the way, the fact that one of your tags is “sucks” had me laughing pretty hard!)
Although a lot of these reasons contain somewhat stereotypical aversions towards the Cubs, all the same, they contain elements of truth within them (and there are definitely funny jabs here and there that you’ve made that I couldn’t help but laugh at, also some that are totally on-point like the Steve Stone criticism, which I firmly agree with you on). There are more things I personally hate about the culture of the Cubs than I actually hate about the team itself. But I do think that one thing that’s been positive this decade about the Cubs finally was their commitment to winning, which was a MAJOR moment in Chicago sports history after years of apathy. For once, amidst years of indifference, this organization that I hate actually showed me that they cared about their fans. This doesn’t exonerate them from evils of the past and even still into the present, not by any stretch, but it was definitely a significant change.
I’ve been a Cubs fan all my life, unfortunately, but as much as I’ve flirted with giving up on them, I can’t do it. I could never turn my back on a Chicago team. Ever. That is really stupid, I know. Why should I bother investing so much in a team that has done nothing but give me every reason for me to hate them? But withstanding all rationale to the contrary, all I can do is shrug my shoulders and express my love for them as a father would to his worthless, unsuccessful, non-contributive zero of a child in saying, “That’s my team. No matter what”.
Shak
04.24.09 03:53 PM
Let’s clear up some of your errors.
1. The Cubs organization doesn’t get to decide how many night games they play.
2. Ronny Woo Woo is not a Cubs mascot. Many Cubs fans dislike this person. Real team don’t have mascots!!!
3.I will not defend Sammy but I will say these things:
a.He did not go after the broken corked bat as you say.
b.when MLB tested the rest of Sammy’s bats not one other
bat was corked (the one and only time a player with a
corked bat was not found with multiple corked bats).
4.Cubs fans:What are we Suit wearing yuppies that just go to Wrigley to be seen or drunken Frat boys because we have been called both by Sox fans. I am neither. If we are to assume your view of Cub fans is true than Sox fans must be drunken idiots who attack umpires and base coaches. Sound fair to you.
5.Go Cubs Go is a great song even my nephew who is a Sox fan agrees wth me on that.
6. Ron Santo BA:.277 HR:342 RBI:1331 OBP:.362 SLG:.464
B.Robinson BA:267 HR:268 RBI:1357 OBP:.322 SLG:.401
when Santo retired only Eddie Mathews had more HRs by a 3rd baseman. Ron Santo also had more competition for the gold glove than B.Robinson.
Paul
06.05.09 03:46 AM
FUCK THE CUBS!!!!!!!!!!
Russ
07.11.09 05:09 PM
wow you can make fun of ronnie woo woo… a sports fan thats 60 some od years old and most likely mentally challenged.. oh and look at his teeth now. how can you hate a baseball team you ignorant jackass haha
CUBS 82 – 76
SOX 77 – 82
You should get to know baseball a little more and stop caring about trivial bullshit… maybe then you would notice your frustration comes from
1. ignorant fans.. that can be found at any team’s park in any sport.
2. how clean the park is.. who cares…. really…
3. the go cubs go song….. do you really even watch the baseball or just jump right on the first bandwagon that your buddies got on..
4. you suck.
GOODBYE
PS
actually watch baseball moron.
Nick
10.01.09 11:25 AM
Apparently you think Cubs fans are trashy cuz some of them get drunk at baseball games? go to any baseball game and people are drunk out of their mind, even your precious white sox…unless that father son combo that jumped an umpire had no alcohol in their system…in which case its even worse haha….This blog is a class act.
kevin
06.03.10 02:46 PM
Wrigley Field is just a big bar with a big cover charge. No more than a bunch of drunk dissocialites that when there is enough of them around to feed off the energy of disillusion that your team is good. St. Louis isn’t that far and think about all of the money you’d be saving if you don’t have to drink to get your mind of the scoreboard. I am a north side SOUTHSIDER and I will laugh at all the fools in that big ass line, waiting to throw their hard earned money so Sorryasso and Big Dumb Z can spend it on ways to fuck it up for everyone. Whatever, to each his own. Go Go White Sox. LOOK TO THE CURB WHEN A REAL TEAM IS IN YOUR PRESENCE, BITCHES.
Dan S
06.27.10 11:50 AM