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subscribeI have far more important things to do than wait in line while you buy lottery tickets.
posted: 05.06.09 at 10:30 PM
filed under: consumerism
If patience is a virtue, then I am a man of questionable morals.
I am exceptionally indignant when my patience is tested by the actions of others. I am an Extremely Busy Man with Very Important Things to do.
I grow increasingly impatient while waiting in line in convenience stores and gas stations. Citizens of Illinois cannot purchase lottery tickets without the aid of a cashier. As a result, I often find myself waiting in line behind an individual eagerly purchasing lottery tickets. Their transaction can last anywhere from a few minutes to several decades.
::
The lottery player barks out their favorite numbers. “Four, two, three box,” the person says in a cryptic language unbeknownst to those unfamiliar with the rules of the lottery. The cashier punches the numbers into the designated register provided by the Illinois Lottery and the machine spits out the player’s tickets.
“Six, eight, two,” the player continues. Usually the numbers have some sort of significance to the individual, representing important dates or numbers the player considers lucky.
“Nine, one, nine,” the numbers keep coming. The lone gas station cashier has been diverted from his normal duties to serve the Lotto player. As the cash register stands unattended, the line of customers grows. Fidgeting customers grow impatient.
“Six, six, two,” the player concludes, handing the cashier a five dollar bill. I glance at my watch. Four-and-a-half minutes have passed since the Lottery player began their transaction. The line is now nine people long, spilling out the doors of the tiny gas station.
“Nearly five minutes for a five dollar lotto ticket?” I think to myself. “Why the hell should I have to wait this long? I just want to buy a Cherry Coke and some beef jerky.”
As I exit the gas station, I do some number crunching in my head. I’m not sure if my math is accurate, but I estimate that the nine customers collectively sacrificed twenty minutes of their time while the lottery player purchased their tickets.
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While I am not inherently opposed to gambling, I find the concept of government-sponsored Lottery programs to be abhorrent. Essentially, the lottery is a “stupid tax.” The government fills its coffers on the backs of those who are foolish enough to throw away their money for the false hope that they will win a big prize.
Naturally, those who play the lottery disagree with me. They cite statistics that they have a chance, albeit remote, of becoming a millionaire. The odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot are greater than 175 million to one.
In other words, I am more likely to be struck by lightning while fingerbanging Jessica Alba in my brand new Ferrari while we are en route to the Vatican for the Pope to preside over our nuptials than I am to win the jackpot in the Illinois Lottery.
The odds of winning the Mega Millions game are exactly one in 175,711,536. However, I like nice round numbers – I think that “zero” is accurate enough.
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Despite my disgust with the Illinois Lottery, the scam isn’t going anywhere. Players will continue to march to the Lottery machine like lemmings, dumping their money into the hands of our corrupt state government.
Nevertheless, I should not be inconvenienced to accommodate the imbeciles the piss away their children’s college funds on the false hope of vast riches. A system must be devised so that rational Illinois residents can pay for a tank of gas without waiting for these fools.
Illinois needs electronic self-serve kiosks for lotto players. We live in an age where you can conduct most of your banking, check in at the airport or rent a movie without any human interaction. Self-serve lottery kiosks have been used in other states for years. Some will contend that the unattended machines would enable minors to illegally purchase tickets. However, there are already self-serve machines for instant tickets, rendering that argument invalid.
I trust a lotto player to be intelligent enough to operate such a machine. Most gas station attendants that I encounter are mouth-breathers who struggle to string together coherent sentences. If these cretins are capable of dispensing lottery tickets, anyone could.
While the plan would be costly, it would benefit all parties. Intelligent consumers would not have to wait in line while gullible lottery players piss away their money. The ass-clowns playing the lottery would conduct quicker transactions and avoid the inevitable errors caused by daft cashiers. Retailers would benefit by not having to incur additional labor and training costs inherent in operating a lottery machine. Shiny electronic kiosks and a streamlined purchasing process might even attract new players.
Self-serve lottery kiosks make sense for Illinois. The plan has great benefits and would increase the efficiency of the Illinois Lottery.
But the Illinois state government has never taken an interest in efficiency, so it will probably never happen.
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Ba-ZING! that last line is so, so true.
mizChartreuse
05.10.09 07:34 PM