Steroids seem like a pretty good idea

Last week, Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for violation of Major League Baseball’s drug policy.  Ramirez has tested positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (hGC,) a women’s fertility drug.

While hGC is commonly used to return a man’s testosterone levels to normal after finishing a cycle of steroids, Ramirez claimed that the drug had been prescribed to him by a physician.  I fully believe his explanation.  Clearly, Manny Ramirez is a man in need of fertile ovaries. 

Naturally, the announcement was greeted with shock and hand-wringing by sports commentators.  Ramirez is regarded as an eccentric good guy.  Many found it unfathomable that such a wonderful fellow would cheat by using performance-enhancing drugs.  ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons even suggested that Ramirez was not intelligent enough to maintain a steroids regimen. 

I am absolutely stunned by the media’s reaction.  It is plainly obvious that steroids have become incredibly pervasive in the game of baseball; over one hundred players tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003.  We have reached a point where every player in the league is suspect, regardless of their perceived character.

If ESPN were to report that Ronnie Woo Woo tested positive for human growth hormone, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. 

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The same commentators live by a common mantra: the game of baseball must be rid of performance enhancing drugs.

Why?  I am in favor of athletes injecting or ingesting any substance makes the games more entertaining. 

To the casual fan, professional sports are about the sizzle, not the steak.  Americans would much rather watch sluggers clobber the ball 500 feet than see a low scoring battle of pitching and defense.  Granted, baseball purists can savor the finer details of the game, but the public en masse demands excitement.

Imagine how thrilling professional sports would become if steroids use was legalized, perhaps even encouraged.  Quarterbacks would fire rocket passes the length of the field.  Basketball players would soar above one another when dunking the ball.  Baseball scores would resemble football scores.  Soccer would still be boring.

Plenty of NASCAR fans watch races simply to witness fiery crashes.  Wouldn’t superhuman freaks, with bloated nipples ready to ejaculate testosterone as they assaulted one another in pursuit of a football, satisfy the same sensationalistic urges? 

The positive effect of steroids was made clear in the late 1990s.  Fan interest in Major League baseball was waning after the 1994 strike.  Ticket sales slumped.  Anabolic steroids came to the rescue. Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa, two juiced up freaks, engaged in an epic battle to shatter the home run record set nearly five decades earlier. 

McGuire and Sosa revived interest in the games, and ticket sales soared.  Major League baseball was saved – and made millions of dollars in the process – thanks to performance-enhancing drugs. 

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Some purists will argue that steroids artificially enhance the performance of the players, compromising the integrity of the games.  While the purists may have a point, they must realize that sports leagues are businesses and that they are in the minority.  The NFL did not become the entertainment juggernaut that it is today by appealing to purists.  Mass market appeal helped football supplant baseball as America’s true pastime.  Steroid freaks would only help to make the league more appealing. 

Likewise, some baseball fans contend that records inflated by performance-enhancing drugs tarnish the sanctity of the game.  This argument is completely invalid.  The checkered past of the MLB renders these records as sacred as a prostitute’s clitoris. 

Barry Bond’s single-season home run record is controversial due to his alleged and obvious use of steroids.  However, previous record holder, Roger Maris, set the record in 1961, a time when amphetamines were becoming popular among baseball players.  Prior to Maris, the legendary Babe Ruth held the record.  Ruth played in an era where blacks relegated to a separate league. 

Speed should certainly be considered a performance-enhancing drug.  While there is no evidence that Maris used uppers, if all records from the “steroids area” are to suspect, Maris’ mark should be as well.  Similarly, there is no way to know if Ruth would have hit 60 home runs in 1927 had he faced black pitchers.

The most common objection to steroid use is the fact that it sets a bad example for America’s youth.  If your child’s brain is so malleable that they would take steroids in order to be more like Manny Ramirez, you have failed as a parent and should be spayed or neutered immediately.  A parent should be able to prepare their child to make important life decisions, and using steroids is a bad idea.

Growing up, I idolized Michael Jordan.  When his penchant for gambling became public knowledge, I did not start rolling dice with my lunch money, because my parents taught me better.  And I had pretty crappy parents. 

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I am a sport fan, but I realize that sports are purely for entertainment purposes.  Steroids make the games more entertaining.  I would be happy to see millionaire athletes juice up to make the games even more enjoyable than they already are. 

If Jay Cutler can throw an 80 yard spiral accurately, I wouldn’t care if was using the juice.  And I don’t care if he dies from some mysterious liver disease in his early 40s.  Sure, he is the quarterback of my favorite football team, but when it comes down to it, I have never met the guy.   If he can perform on the field, his long term health is not my concern.  I don’t even know the dude, so why would I care?

:: I am convinced that Walter Payton used steroids. 

Besides, professional athletes make ridiculous amounts of money for a life of recreation.  If they choose to use drugs to enhance their performance, I am not going to stand in their way.  There is quite a bit of cash on the line. 

If there were a drug that made my writing funnier, I would take it without a second thought.

Which reminds me: Does anyone know where I can score some pot? 

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