All Ignorant Traveling Families are white and bare very few identifying markings, other than the requisite luggage they carry for their vacation.

The amount of luggage carried by a single family is breathtaking.  On average, a family of four will possess approximately 174,614 cubic meters of luggage.  Perhaps most remarkable is that each of the countless bags matches perfectly, as if part of an expansive set.

Scientists can offer little explanation for the sheer breadth of the Ignorant Traveling Families’ luggage.  It is estimated with the amount of clothing contained in nearly 175,000 meters of luggage, a family of four could survive for 13.2 months without having to do laundry and without wearing the same outfits twice. 

While attempting to identify an Ignorant Traveling Family in the wild, it is important to note the location of the luggage relative to the doors of the train car.  No less than half of the family’s luggage will be stacked in front of the doors, blocking about two-thirds of the entryway.  This behavior is designed to severely inconvenience the other riders of the train, suggesting that the parents may very well be douchebags.

The study of the Ignorant Traveling Family’s behavior has fascinated scores of scientists. The mother and father invariably sit at least 10 feet apart, and the father is most often situated near the door of the train car.  One child is relatively relaxed, while the other awkwardly fidgets, unable to find a comfortable seat.  The child will alternate between sitting near the mother, standing by the father and sitting on a piece of luggage.

The unruly child is completely unresponsive to commands.  One parent will often call the child’s name repeatedly, to no avail.  When the child finally responds, the parent requests that the child sit in a seat like the other commuters.  The child will refuse, and the parent will call the child’s name repeatedly, to no avail.  This process continually repeats for the duration of the train ride.

The mother and father never communicate, let alone make eye contact.  Scientists believe this is evidence of a loveless marriage. 

The Ignorant Traveling Family is not to be confused with a regular Traveling family.  Regular families do not travel with an armada of baggage that obstructs the exit of the train car.  Furthermore, most families do not travel to the airport during rush hour.

The ‘L’ is terribly busy during rush hour, with hundreds of commuters packed tightly into a single train.  The Ignorant Traveling Family is clearly unaware of this, or completely inconsiderate of others.  The family will occupy as much space as possible with their massive luggage; scientists estimate that one Ignorant Traveling Family can occupy as much space as 15 obese commuters.

Many have struggled to determine why the Ignorant Traveling Family insists on booking a flight at 6:30 p.m., necessitating a rush hour ‘L’ ride to the airport.  Some psychologists hypothesize that this is actually a subconscious form of sadistic, passive-aggressive behavior.  They believe that the parents of the Ignorant Traveling Family feel a perverse delight while watching commuters uncomfortably navigate around their mountain of luggage in order to exit the train.

One should take great caution when encountering an Ignorant Traveling Family in the wild.  Due to the space requirements of the family and their luggage, it is advisable that one immediately move to another car on the train to avoid claustrophobia and an intense feeling of murderous rage. 

Hipsters take great care to maintain an unkempt, Bohemian appearance.  As a result, there are several prominent markings that make them easily identifiable in the wild.

Hipster culture is continually evolving.  As a result, these identifying guidelines are current as of press time (March 2009). 

Clothing is the most prominent of the Hipsters’ identifying markings; they embrace the thrift store aesthetic.  They continually strive for a disheveled look, and a strong sense of irony inform their wardrobe selection.

Males of the species are often found wearing skin tight jeans that highlight the creature’s prepubescent physique.  Females can be found in similar pants, or in puffy, multilayered skirts. 

Hoodies and tight sweaters make up a large part of a Hipster’s wardrobe.  Also, many hipsters can be found wearing t-shirts with ironic imagery.  For example, a hipster may wear a shirt celebrating the Chicago Bears’ Superbowl victory from 1986, or a Snoop Dogg t-shirt, despite the fact that the hipster detests rap music.  The shirts are often tight-fitting.   

A scientific survey of 2,000 hipsters conducted in 2008 revealed that 96.3% of hipsters find clothing with horizontal stripes “deck.”  Scientists are puzzled by this result and have concluded that “deck” translates to “very good” or “very bad.” 

Some male Hipsters choose to express their sardonic sense of fashion by wearing formal clothing.  This can make positive identification more difficult.  However, there are several clues to help discern a Hipster from a normal commuter in formal wear.  Hipsters are quite fond of the color black, and they often pair formal wear with casual footwear.  In addition, they are quite fond of narrow ties. 

Hipsters take great care when selecting footwear.  They often strive for a vintage look, choosing “old-school” Pumas or Vans.  Also, Hipsters appreciate the breathability of canvas and the convenience of a slip-on shoe.  Occasionally, Hipsters will pair casual clothing with unusual dress shoes to highlight their keen sense of sarcasm. 

Hipsters love to accessorize.  Many will wear eyeglasses, though it is unclear if Hipsters wear glasses to correct their vision or simply as a fashion statement.  Glasses with large, black plastic frames are common in the Hipster community; although many now favor large, wire-rimmed glasses, much like Bill Gates wore as a youth. 

Young Bill Gates: Total hipster.

Both male and female Hipsters are almost always found carrying some sort of bag.  Males will often wear a purse-like messenger bag or a dirty backpack.  While some female Hipsters carry a conventional purse, many prefer a retro-inspired bowling bag. 

Taking a cue from the homosexual community, Hipsters have adopted studded belts as their own style.  Anthropologists hypothesize that the combination of tight pants and sharp studded belts are used as a deterrent to the opposite sex. 

Anecdotal evidence suggests that every Hipster in Chicago owns an iPod.  When apart from a group, a Hipster will be listening to music on an iPod.  A large number of Hipsters eschew the traditional white earbuds in favor of large over-the-ear headphones. 

The hair of a Hipster frequently appears to be dirty and messy.  While it may appear that the Hipster spent little time combing his or her hair, this is actually a carefully crafted look.  Some male Hipsters chose to grow long bangs that cover a portion of their face.

Hipsters are often pierced as an aid to identify one another in the wild.  Many will wear plug jewelry in their ears.  In addition, any individual with a pierced lip is almost certainly a Hipster. 

Hipsters prefer to associate with other Hipsters.  As a result, extreme caution should be taken if one attempts to engage a Hipster in conversation.  Small talk is generally greeted with a sarcastic eye roll, or ignored altogether.  In addition, Hipsters will refuse to communicate with any individual dressed in business attire. 

If you are successful in your attempts to chat with a Hipster, do not inquire about the contents of his or her iPod.  The Hipster will certainly scoff at you for not recognizing the names of obscure indie bands. 

This is not to suggest that the taxonomy of the riders is not worthwhile endeavor.  After thousands of rides on the ‘L’, I am uniquely qualified to classify the specific types of riders.  This column is your field manual for riding the ‘L’; when you encounter one of these archetypes, you will know what to expect.

While this column will focus on ‘L’ riders, these archetypes are not confined to the city of Chicago, or to a specific mass transit system.  I am certain that members of these specific groups can be found in metropolitan areas across the country. 

Without further ado, I proudly present the first entry in this series.

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The Bluetooth Guy is most commonly found riding the “L” during rush hour on weekdays.  While Bluetooth Guys do not prefer a specific rail line, they are found in a much higher concentration near the Loop due to the large amount of offices located downtown.

The Bluetooth Guy is easily identified by his most prominent marking: a Bluetooth phone headset affixed to his ear.  In many cases, a bright blue LED on the headset will blink intermittently.  This is a indicator that The Bluetooth Guy is awake, as it is believed that the light is darkened while he sleeps.

Little is known about the nature of this headset, which fuels much debate in the scientific community. Some believe that the headset is actually an evolved organ that cannot be removed from The Bluetooth Guy.  This theory stipulates that the LED light is actually powered by the wearer’s nervous system.  Others believe that the headset is removable, but serves as a fashion statement.  They contend that the headset is effectively a 21st century earring. 

There are few markings to use when identifying The Bluetooth Guy other than the headset.  When originally identified in the field, The Bluetooth Guy often wore the clothing of a white-collar worker.  In recent years, more casually dressed blue-collar Bluetooth Guys have also been spotted. 

Also, it was originally thought that all Bluetooth Guys were male.  However, recent evidence suggests that a very small number of female Bluetooth Guys can be found in the wild.  Scientists are considering a gender-neutral name for the group.  

The Bluetooth Guy is most easily identifiable by his behavior.  Contrary to popular belief, he seldom places or receives phone calls.  In the rare instances that he does use the phone, he speaks at an extremely high volume.  Take caution if you encounter The Bluetooth Guy while he is using the phone; ear protection is strongly recommended.

The Bluetooth Guy is often found in a standing position, with one hand clutching the train’s grab rail.  Many find it ironic that The Bluetooth Guy’s second hand is invariable twiddling with a phone, typically a BlackBerry.  This negates the convenience of the hands free headset.

While the behavior of The Bluetooth Guy can seem off-putting, he is actually a quite docile creature.  Many have successfully engaged The Bluetooth Guy in conversation, noting that his favorite topics include his mobile phone, his wireless provider’s coverage area and the sound quality of his Bluetooth headset.