I am the polar opposite of a tree-hugging hippie.  In fact, I go to great lengths to damage the environment by wasting resources and polluting as much as possible.

When I finish a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of water while driving, I simply fling the empty container out the window. I don’t want my truck cluttered with trash.  After changing the oil in my truck, I pour the used oil directly into the nearest sewer.  It is far too much trouble drive to the gas station.

As I write this, all of the lights in my apartment are turned on, even though the sun has not yet set.  While today has been an unseasonably cool summer day, I have my windows closed and my air conditioner on full blast, along with three large box fans generating a powerful breeze directed towards my desk.

Forest fires give me a massive boner.

My bathroom sink is always on, dispensing hot water.  I am a busy man, and I have little time to wait for the water to warm up when I wash my hands.  Likewise, I have rigged my toilet so that it is perpetually flushing.  This results in a cleaner bowl and spares me from the hassle of pulling the handle.

I do not own a single terrycloth towel.  When I get out of the shower, I dry myself with a roll of paper towels and two hair driers. 

I do not own any glasses or plates, either.  In my home, all food and drink is served in Styrofoam containers.  When eating, I am sure to use a thick stack of three to five plates for the most rigid dining surface possible.  If I am refilling my drink, I discard my foam cup and use a new one, in the interest of cleanliness. 

When my neighbors take out their garbage, they embark on an epic journey to the dumpster located 70 feet from the door of our building.  I do not trouble myself with such needless physical excursion.  Instead, I wait until it is late at night, and then dump my garbage out of my living room window into the parking lot.  If I am feeling ambitious, I will walk to the front door and burn my garbage on the sidewalk, gleefully inhaling the thick black smoke that billows off of the flaming pile of rubbish. 

I do not discard my plastic six-pack rings with the rest of my garbage.  They are saved for my next visit to the beach, where I deposit them along the banks of Lake Michigan.

I am in favor of global warming, as winters in Chicago are bitterly cold and far too lengthy.  Sometimes, I will buy a can of Aqua Net for the sole purpose of spraying it into the air in hopes of helping to destroy the ozone layer. 

I believe that all remaining rain forests should be cut down and replaced with vast stretches of concrete and shopping malls.  Rainforests are too humid to be enjoyable and trees are boring.  When was the last time someone ordered a slice of Sbarro’s pizza or got a new pair of sneakers in a rainforest?   

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Many share my contempt for the environment.  I would like honor those who share my belief that green initiatives are for pussies.     

Walgreens
Last weekend, I bought two packs of cigarettes at a Walgreens store.  The cashier handed me my change, along with a receipt no shorter than 15 inches long.  While it is completely unnecessary to provide such a large receipt for two items, I applaud the store’s effort to waste natural resources. 

I hope that the company accelerates the anti-environment campaign.  I would suggest printing every receipt on a poster-sized sheet of paper.  Or perhaps receipts could be carved into a log from a rainforest.  This would provide customers with a unique keepsake from their trip to the drug store and would be appreciated by customers with fireplaces. 

Radio Shack
Days before the recent transition to digital television, I purchased a 50-foot length of coaxial cable from a local Radio Shack store.  While an environmentally-conscious company would have simply slapped a tag on the tight coil of wire or placed it into a plastic bag, Radio Shack used an exorbitant amount of packaging.  The wire came in a sturdy cardboard box that contained additional chunks of cardboard and a block of foam, presumably to prevent the sturdy wire from becoming damaged during transport.

While I applaud Radio Shack’s effort, I encourage the company to take our campaign one step further by packaging the same box inside of a large foam box that would normally be used for transporting refrigerated foods.  Then, the foam box could be placed inside of a hard plastic shell that is extremely difficult to open. 

bokeena’s landlord
The front of my sister bokeena’s apartment building is decorated with a small patch of grass no larger than a walk-in closet.  Her landlord compulsively waters the lawn during the summer, often leaving the sprinkler on over night.  While the 12-hour watering sessions result in a swampy mess, I can appreciate the man’s clear disdain for water conservation. 

Yet the landlord is not doing enough to support our cause.  I recommend leaving the water on 24 hours per day, alternating between watering the lawn and the sidewalk.  After all, the pavement gets pretty hot during the summer.  In addition, he should make use of the water spigots on the two adjacent buildings.  The bricks of the building appear to be extremely dry and could certainly use a lengthy watering session as well.

Jewels
There is a Jewels grocery stores in my neighborhood that is not open 24 hours.  I often drive past the store after it has closed, noticing that every single light in the building is still turned on.  Such wastefulness is laudable. 

However, this effort leaves several unanswered questions.  For example, is the air conditioning running overnight?  I certainly hope that it is.  In addition, would it be possible to plug in hair driers into every electrical outlet into the store and leave them running overnight?  This would create a unique symphony of sound to greet the first employee to open the store, and would be a far more effective way to waste electricity.

The Chicago Police Department
Chicago police officers deserve the greatest level of adulation for their continued support of the anti-environmentalist cause.  Over the past few years, I have seen hundreds of police cars running while parked outside a of fast food restaurant.  As the portly officer casually chomps on his Quarter Pounder with Cheese and fraternizes with his comrades, his car’s engine continually runs.  I am impressed by the ability to simultaneously squander natural resources and taxpayer money, since cops do not pay for their own gasoline. 

I respectfully request that Chicago’s finest expand this wasteful practice.  I recommend that the Chicago Police Department mandate that all officers place their cars into neutral and rev the engine when stopped in traffic.  In addition, it would be helpful if the cars were left running overnight with the air conditioning turned on.  This would result in a very comfortable vehicle for the officer.  While the officer would be required to carry a spare container of gasoline as backup, this is of very little concern, since taxpayers would foot the bill. 

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I would like to extend my thanks to Walgreens, Radio Shack, my sister’s landlord, Jewels and the Chicago Police Department for advancing the cause of anti-environmentalism.  Someday, we may realize our collective dream of a concrete world coated in smog and devoid of all plant life.

I call it “utopia.”