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subscribeDecoded: “Seen ‘Black Swan’? Yes, I’m In It!” (Huffington Post)
posted: 01.24.11 at 11:30 PM
filed under: entertainment
boqueen and I recently saw "Black Swan" because, judging by the reaction on the Twitter, the movie was either a fetid, diseased pile of warm fecal matter or the single greatest piece of cinema since the invention of film.
My reaction to the film was somewhere in between those two extremes. While I found it enjoyable and entertaining, I did not find it to be some sort of transcendent experience.
That evening, I Googled "Black Swan" to read a few reviews of the film in a vain attempt to validate my own options. One of the first posts that I came across was a piece from Huffington Post written by Tina Sloan.
Sloan is a geriatric actress who was cast in a very small role in "Black Swan." Her post, titled, "Seen ‘Black Swan’? Yes, I’m In It!" is easily one of the most pathetically pretentious and self-important collection of words ever compiled.
I have reprinted Sloan’s post below, in its entirety. The paragraphs in italics are the comments that Sloan carelessly omitted from the original piece, but go a long way long way to reinforcing the general theme of this awful post.
Sandra Bullock had it coming to her
posted: 04.08.10 at 10:00 PM
filed under: entertainment
Sometimes, the news is incredibly unpredictable.
I was astonished when President Obama’s health care bill was passed. Despite the fact that earthquakes are now happening every 13 minutes, I am still stunned when another country is devastated by a quake. 9/11 caught me off slightly off guard, even though I had a job at the Pentagon at the time.
The collapse of Sandra Bullock’s marriage, on the other hand, was something that I fully expected to happen. In fact, I wish that I had found a way to wager on this when Bullock married motorcycle guy Jesse James in 2005. If I had, I would be enjoying a significant payout right now. I would probably be eating a lobster instead of writing this.
Praise Jesus, 24 has been cancelled, part II
posted: 03.30.10 at 11:30 PM
filed under: entertainment
Previously on bokeen.com: Season eight of 24 has been an absurd clusterfuck. Fox decided to pull the plug on the show. The terrorists have nuclear fuel rods. Brian Hastings’ lower back hurts. Cole Ortiz looked pretty while reading lines of dialog. Renee Walker was officially declared a sexy creature. Read part one for the full story.
Dana Walsh (Katee Sackhoff) is a senior data analyst at CTU, a job that effectively amounts to “Lord of the Computer Geeks.” Her preposterous and convoluted subplot has been a major part of season eight.
At the start of the season, viewers learn that Walsh is engaged to Cole Ortiz, and that she has an antagonistic relationship with Chloe O’Brian. These innocuous beginnings soon gave way to the character’s increasingly ludicrous story arc.
Praise Jesus, 24 has been cancelled, part I
posted: 03.29.10 at 12:00 AM
filed under: entertainment
Jack Bauer’s days as the inimitable television terrorist hunter are numbered.
On Friday, Fox announced that action series 24 would not be renewed for a ninth season. I was elated as I read Fox’s press release, despite the fact that I have often referred to the show as “The Finest Television Program in the History of the Known Universe.”
Merely three months ago, I would have found this news devastating. However, the quality of the show has dramatically dropped this season, making it clear that it is best for the 24 crew to call it quits.
The show chronicles the exploits of counterterrorist agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), a gritty, flawed and often reluctant hero repeatedly tasked with saving the world. The first season centered on a plot to assassinate a presidential candidate, while subsequent seasons involved thwarting impending terrorist attacks.
These diverse terrorist threats include, in chronological order: nuclear weapons, a weaponized mega-virus, nuclear weapons again, nerve gas, even more nuclear weapons, another weaponized mega-virus and, finally, nuclear weapons.
The Oscars meet the grouch
posted: 03.12.10 at 12:00 AM
filed under: entertainment
I am not comfortable living in a world where Sandra Bullock is an Academy Award winner.
Prior to Sunday night, the notion of Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar was unfathomable. I now realize that anything is possible. I would not be surprised to learn Paul and Ringo decided to reform the Beatles with Justin Bieber and Eminem as replacements for John and George. If Dick Cheney defeats Barack Obama for the presidency in 2012, I will not bat an eye.
In recent years, Bullock’s name has become synonymous with terrible movies. Her resume is a roll call of cinematic abortions, ranging from notable big-budget disasters such as Speed 2: Cruise Control to last year’s universally panned comedy All About Steve. Movie review aggregator RottenTomatoes.com rates 23 of her 32 films as “rotten.”
I’m not with Coco: The state of late night television
posted: 01.22.10 at 10:00 PM
filed under: entertainment
I am not a fan of Conan O’Brien.
Surely, my opinion will prove to be unpopular in light of the popular “I’m with Coco” social media campaign. I will concede that Conan is one of the more talented individuals in the late night talk show business.
However, since Conan’s field is a wretched morass, virtually devoid of discernable talent, this a backhanded compliment at best. In many ways, the title of “Most Talented Late Night Talk Show Host” is akin to “World’s Tallest Midget,” “Most Honest Politician,” or “Most Celibate Catholic Priest.”
For over two weeks, the Interwebs and old fashioned media outlets have been atwitter with news and commentary about the impending shake up of NBC’s late night lineup. I found the contractual ménage à trios between Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien and NBC Universal President Jeff Zucker incredibly compelling. In fact, I have changed my browser’s start page to TMZ.com, and I click “refresh” between nine and 215 times each day, eagerly anticipating the next twist in this amazing storyline. My carpal tunnel is acting up.
Sarah Jessica Parker, attention whorse
posted: 12.08.09 at 11:30 PM
filed under: entertainment
I am not one for celebrity worship.
I find the mundane gossip reported by TMZ and Perez Hilton to be quite uninteresting. I am not concerned about the latest litter that Octomom has whelped, Brad and Angelina’s formidable army of young foreigners or the latest Vegas vixen to proclaim that she once served as the warm and moist fuck-socket for Tiger Woods’ talented seed.
Unfortunately, boqueen has a fleeting interest in such affairs, so I occasionally find myself sitting on the couch as the blaring picture box dishes out the latest Hollywood “news.” In such situations, I attempt to shut down brain activity to prevent accidental absorption of the ceaseless drivel. My attempts are typically futile, which explains why wretched words such as “Kardashian” and “Gosselin” have penetrated my skull and become a part of my lexicon.
Terrible fucking music from the summer of 2009
posted: 09.02.09 at 11:15 PM
filed under: entertainment
It pains me to admit that the summer is officially over.
In many ways, Chicagoans were cheated this year. June was cool and rainy, so summer weather didn’t begin in earnest until early July. Due to the fact that Mother Nature is a vicious raving cunt, Chicago residents enjoyed a total of approximately six and a half weeks of summer weather.
Before I finish writing this post, the leaves will have turned to warm colors and the city will begin salting the streets. Due to the abrupt change in weather, I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on the summer of 2009.
Music plays an important role in defining my memories of past summers. Each year, certain “summer songs” become definitive reminders of the specific year.
The Fatchelor: “More to Love” episode 3 review, part II
posted: 08.12.09 at 01:45 AM
filed under: entertainment
Once again, mizChartreuse and I collaborated on this review of the lastest episode of More to Love, Fox’s reality program, which is essentially a version of The Bachelor featuring fat fucks. Part one of the review can be found on mizChartreuse.com.
bokeen:
After a enchanting evening listening to Danielle talk incessantly while shoving gobs of food into her gullet, Luke hand-picked Heather as his next date. Luke felt sympathetic for Heather, as she had become seasick during last week’s group date on a yacht. She was too busy blasting vomit over the side of the boat to spend any quality time with Luke, so he treated her to an afternoon date so that she could learn more about the bachelor’s mundane existence.
Combined, the couple weighs more than 500 pounds. Transporting such heavy freight is a logistical nightmare. They were both packed into large crates and a loaded semi-trailer truck. Upon being unloaded and unpacked, Heather was delighted to find that she and Luke would spend the afternoon horseback riding.
The Fatchelor: “More to Love” review, part II
posted: 08.05.09 at 01:30 AM
filed under: entertainment
Fellow blogger mizChartreuse and I collaborated on this review of More to Love, Fox’s reality program, which is essentially a version of The Bachelor featuring fat fucks. Part one of the review can be found on mizChartreuse.com.
bokeen:
The vast majority of reality show contestants are detestable characters, willing to nosh on live bugs at Joe Rogan’s behest or give Bret Michaels a tugger for their shot at worldwide fame. However, the participants in More to Love are a particularly morose lot of individuals.
The chunky contestants competing for Luke’s hoof in marriage are shamelessly willing to exploit their obesity on national television. In the show’s first episode, the women were not only characterized by name, home town and occupation, but by their height and weight as well, as if it were a boxing match.
Side note: You actually wonder if a reality show could exist with a slender fellow vying for the heart of a cubby broad? It could happen: the bachelor would have to be a black dude, and the contestants would be fat, white girls. That is how the universe works.
