Archive for the ‘bokeen versus…’ tag

bokeen vs the Twitter pharmacists

Pharmacists are contemptible human beings.

I did not always detest pharmacists.  I used to view them as highly paid, socially inept individuals who simply dispensed medicine, and little more.  While I felt that their white lab coats are unnecessarily pretentious, I never took issue with these government-sanctioned pill pushers.

That changed on Sunday, June 7, 2009.

On that warm summer day, boqueen mentioned to me that she was out of birth control pills.  Birth control, or “baby killers,” as I like to refer to them, are an essential part of boqueen’s diet.  She likes to say that she is “staying not pregnant,” but I feel that this vastly understates the importance of the matter.  Fathering a child would be absolutely devastating to my lifestyle.

I do not want a helpless, dependant fecal factory with stumpy arms in my life.  I do not want to be burdened with the requirement of rocking, comforting or changing the diapers of a small, temperamental, light brown mammal while I watch a Bulls game or attempt to record a podcast.  I do not want the smell of infant excrement lingering in our dining room while I attempt to enjoy a meal that I prepared.  I certainly don’t want to be interrupted by the little bastard crying while I am performing oral sex on his mother.

continue reading…

Introducing new, blunt-smoking douchebag neighbors

I write this post from the Heart of Italy.

Gondolas are nowhere in sight.  The Vatican is thousands of miles away.  And I cannot recall the last time a mustachioed man walked by carrying a paper bag with baguettes poking out of the top.

I am at my apartment in Chicago.

In late October, I moved into a new apartment located in the Pilsen neighborhood on Chicago’s near south side.  My particular borough is known as “The Heart of Italy.”  The small community is known for a stretch of Italian restaurants along Oakley Avenue, and was once a popular destination for Italian immigrants.

(Many of my friends and coworkers view my move to the south side as quite fitting.  In fact, many acquaintances have guessed that I am from the south side, due to my thick Chicago accent.  One of my college teachers even asked if I was from Bridgeport, home of Mayor Richard Daley.  In addition, I am a White Sox fan who spent the better part of my life among Cubs Kool-Aid drinkers on the north side.   In many ways, moving south of Madison Avenue was a foregone conclusion.)

continue reading…

Endanger your child’s life to stop global warming

Springtime in Chicago is marked by the inevitable return of thousands of cyclists to the streets of the city.

Chicago is regarded as one of the more bicycle-friendly cities in the United States.  Thousands of residents take advantage of this, eschewing their car or bus pass in favor of a bicycle in the warmer months.

The relationship between cyclists and drivers is quite contentious.  Cyclists clash with aggressive drivers who find bicycles to be a nuisance and refuse to share the road.  Likewise, drivers become frustrated with daring cyclists who weave through traffic with blatant disregard for the rules of the road. 

continue reading…

My avian adversary

My new arch-nemesis is a Canadian goose.

The apartment complex that I live in consists of seven buildings located around a large, grassy area with a pond.  As winter turned to spring, a group of Canadian geese made this park-like area their home.

When the geese first appeared, they minded their own business, swimming in the pond and defecating on every square inch of grass.  The geese soon realized that they would be unable to cover the entire area with their droppings, so they turned to fornication to help increase the supply of feces. 

continue reading…

Fighting a cow at the DMV

As I was leaving for work last Thursday, I discovered that the Chicago Police Department had been kind enough to leave a parking ticket on the windshield of my truck.  I was ticketed for not having a front license plate.  Surprised and confused, I examined my front bumper – the plate had been stolen overnight. 

I did not understand the value of my front license plate.  The registration sticker is on the back plate, making the front plate virtually useless.  If the ne’er-do-well that swiped my plate attached it to his car, he would be inviting police to cite him for the missing sticker.

I reasoned that the theft must have been the work of an obsessive fan.  She clearly took the plate as a unique, one-of-a-kind piece of bokeen memorabilia.  Had she been more direct in her approach and simply asked for a keepsake, I would have gladly obliged.  An old black t-shirt or a wad of hair clippings from my barber’s floor would have the same potential resale value as collectables (zero), and would inconvenience me far less. 

continue reading…

I refuse to apologize to my douchebag neighbor, part II

Previously on bokeen.com: I woke up my neighbor with a loud DVD – once.  My neighbor complained – multiple times.  My neighbor wants me evicted.  Jack Bauer is still working undercover with the Salazars.  I must exact revenge.  Read part one for more details. 

I have several options for my diabolical revenge plot.  Please review the options outlined below, then vote for your favorite.  The bokeen strategery team welcomes your input. 

continue reading…

I refuse to apologize to my douchebag neighbor, part I

I try to avoid conflicts with my neighbors.  Growing up, my father simply pretended that our neighbors did not exist.  By doing so, he avoided the common, insignificant disputes that can make life at home quite uncomfortable.

A few weeks ago, I returned home after a long vacation.  I had been out of town for over a week.  Upon arriving home, I found a note that had been slipped under my door.  I assumed that it was the typical, harmless junk mail that I had come to expect: a note about my apartment complex’s referral policy, or a flyer for AT&T’s TV and Interwebs service.

But this message was meant for my eyes only.  I was delighted to receive this personal communiqué.  It was a note from management, indicating that they were prepared to evict me due to repeated noise violations.  I promptly proceeded to lightly defecate in my undergarments after reading this. 

continue reading…