Archive for the ‘chicago’ tag

Jesus and friends versus the big, bad airport

Eminent domain is a pretty fucking brutal concept.

For those of you who were asleep, stoned or absent during eight-grade social studies class, I will explain.  Eminent domain grants governments the right to seize private property against the owner’s consent, as long as the property will be used to benefit the general public.

While property owners are compensated for their loss, this is an excellent example of the government flexing its muscle like one of the tanned Italian lads on Jersey Shore.

Property may be claimed for a variety of reasons, for example, to build highways, railroad, infrastructure, or a statue of Barack Obama. 

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Introducing new, blunt-smoking douchebag neighbors

I write this post from the Heart of Italy.

Gondolas are nowhere in sight.  The Vatican is thousands of miles away.  And I cannot recall the last time a mustachioed man walked by carrying a paper bag with baguettes poking out of the top.

I am at my apartment in Chicago.

In late October, I moved into a new apartment located in the Pilsen neighborhood on Chicago’s near south side.  My particular borough is known as “The Heart of Italy.”  The small community is known for a stretch of Italian restaurants along Oakley Avenue, and was once a popular destination for Italian immigrants.

(Many of my friends and coworkers view my move to the south side as quite fitting.  In fact, many acquaintances have guessed that I am from the south side, due to my thick Chicago accent.  One of my college teachers even asked if I was from Bridgeport, home of Mayor Richard Daley.  In addition, I am a White Sox fan who spent the better part of my life among Cubs Kool-Aid drinkers on the north side.   In many ways, moving south of Madison Avenue was a foregone conclusion.)

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bokeen’s ban on bad football

Thanksgiving is a time to express gratitude for all that we are blessed with as Americans, though I feel it is the perfect opportunity to complain about things that anger me. 

In many ways, Thanksgiving is the consummate American holiday, steeped in rich tradition.  The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in the early 1600s.  Legend has it that the Pilgrims and American Indians set aside their differences and shared a late autumn feast.  The Injuns brought turkey.  The Pilgrims brought corn.  The Injuns called the corn “maize.”  Everyone laughed, appreciating the humor of the cultural shock, much like the movie Coming to America.  All was warm and fuzzy.

In subsequent years, the Pilgrims would plunder the Injuns’ land, infect them with exotic European diseases, rape their women, relocate them onto tiny reservations and destroy the pristine landscape of their home.  Today, the land the Injuns once called home has been replaced by sprawling mini-malls anchored with Walmart and Starbucks locations.  The few Injuns remaining were compensated with licenses to run casinos.  As a white man, I realize that this is the price of progress.

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Fuck you, Jupiter Communities, part II

This is part two of my epic bitch-fest about Jupiter Communities, the miserable company that manages the apartment that I live in.  Click here to read part one.

A few weeks after I moved into my building, the pilot light on my oven stopped working.  When I turned on the oven, nothing happened.  While I am an excellent cook, I find it difficult to cook a roast at room temperature.

I complained to the management staff.  For some inexplicable reason, they were interested and engaged.  Three days later, the maintenance staff visited my apartment to correct the issue.

After about 25 minutes of troubleshooting, they determined that my oven contained an electronic pilot.  Since they did not have an electronic pilot on hand, a repair would take “three or four weeks.”  I assumed that the nearest Maytag plant was located on the icy rings of Saturn, thereby necessitating such a lengthy delivery time.   

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Fuck you, Jupiter Communities, part I

While I’ve never been waterboarded, I am certain that it is a slightly more pleasurable experience than moving.

Few things are as torturous as packing up all of your material possessions into assorted cardboard boxes, trudging these boxes and furniture into a pricy rental truck, driving to a new location and unloading.  It is a physically exhausting endeavor that is immediately followed by the mental anguish of spending weeks attempting to reestablish some semblance of organization your life and comfort in your new home. 

For weeks, one inevitably feels like a refugee, sorting through a seemingly endless collection of boxes in search of a mundane item.

“Where did I pack the goddamn fucking forks?” I’ve shouted on several occasions after combing through four indistinguishable cardboard boxes marked “kitchen.” 

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Farewell, Ben Gordon. Good luck with that, Detroit.

The Ben Gordon era in Chicago is officially over. 

Wednesday, the free agent guard agreed to the terms of a contract with the Detroit Pistons.  The soon-to-be-former Chicago Bull wasted no time in bolting out of town, agreeing to the deal less than 24 hours after the start of the NBA’s free agency period.

Gordon quickly became a fan favorite after being selected by the Bulls in the 2004 NBA Draft.  His late-game heroics and incredible shooting ability propelled him to the honor of becoming the first rookie to receive the league’s Sixth Man of the Year Award.  He was runner-up for Rookie of the Year honors, narrowly losing out to his college teammate Emeka Okafor.

Very few NBA players possess Gordon’s clutch scoring abilities.  His skill is only rivaled by the likes of superstars such as Kobe Bryant and LeBron James.  However, unlike these premiere players, Gordon is pathetically inept in virtually every other aspect of the game.

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I hate the environment. Nature sucks.

I consider myself an anti-environmentalist.

I am the polar opposite of a tree-hugging hippie.  In fact, I go to great lengths to damage the environment by wasting resources and polluting as much as possible.

When I finish a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of water while driving, I simply fling the empty container out the window. I don’t want my truck cluttered with trash.  After changing the oil in my truck, I pour the used oil directly into the nearest sewer.  It is far too much trouble drive to the gas station.

As I write this, all of the lights in my apartment are turned on, even though the sun has not yet set.  While today has been an unseasonably cool summer day, I have my windows closed and my air conditioner on full blast, along with three large box fans generating a powerful breeze directed towards my desk.

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American Injustice System, part II

Previously on bokeen.com: American judges handed down puny sentences for horrific crimes. An NFL player was sentenced to 24 days in jail for killing a man in a drunken car accident. A Chicago cop walked free after viciously beating a defenseless female bartender. Jack Bauer narrowly escaped after being captured and tortured by terrorists. Read part one for the full story.

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In February, four bicycles were stolen from outside of a hotel in Santa Rosa, California.  The bicycles in question were not the caliber of a bike that you or I would ride; they belonged to Kazakh cycling Team Astana, which was competing in the Tour of California. 

Sacramento resident Lee Crider pleaded no contest to charges of burglary and theft in the case.  He will be sentenced to three years in prison. 

One of the bicycles belonged to legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong.

Armstrong is the record-setting, cancer-surviving, single-testicled, Livestrong-bracelet-wearing athlete that has dominated sports reports on summertime newscasts for a decade.  He is also a giant piece of steaming shit.

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American Injustice System, part I

Some say that justice is blind; the American judicial system is deaf and dumb as well.

Criminal sentencing is wildly inconsistent as judges punish criminals with blatant disregard for the severity of their crimes.  Three cases in the last month alone illustrate the shortcomings of the country’s judicial system.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth pleaded guilty to charges of DUI manslaughter for killing a man while driving drunk; he will serve 24 days in jail.

Chicago Police officer Anthony Abbate was found guilty of aggravated battery for a drunken incident where he belligerently threw a female bartender to the ground and beat her; he will serve two years probation, avoiding jail altogether. 

A man named Lee Crider pleaded no contest to charges of burglary and theft for stealing three bicycles, including one owned by world-famous douche-on-a-bike Lance Armstrong; he will serve three years in jail.

The incongruity of the punishments compared to the crimes is utterly staggering.

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Hot Weather Crazy

Hot weather causes residents of the Midwest to become raving lunatics.

Midwesterners are simply unable to adequately prepare themselves for the summer.  Last winter in Chicago, for example, was extremely long; snow fell during five successive months.  Spring is virtually nonexistent, so a Midwesterner experiences septic shock when the temperature rises above 80 degrees. 

For many, foolish behavior functions as a means to cope with the jarring change in climate.  With summer officially underway, I am reminded of a few instances where I have witnessed the dramatic effect that the sun can have on residents of the Midwest.

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