Archive for the ‘consumerism’ tag

The iPad is not enough. I need an iPen.

You may be shocked to learn that Apple released the iPad to the public on Saturday.

This bit of news was easy to miss, between coverage of health care reform, the NCAA Final Four and the release of Clash of the Titans in 3D. Fortunately, a small number of technology-related sites exist on the Interwebs, providing sparse coverage of the event.

As a card-carrying geek, part of me lusts for the iPad. I have spent many nights in front of my laptop, clutching my credit card while resisting the overwhelming temptation to preorder the device. I have found myself unable to justify spending $500 or more an iPad, as it lacks a key functionality that has topped my technology wish list for over a decade: I want a device that will replace a pen and a paper forever.

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Bottled water is for pussies

Few things are more emblematic of American decadence than our affinity for bottled water.

More than 884 million people – nearly three times the population of United States – do not have access to clean drinking water.  Meanwhile, the vast majority of Americans have a healthy and inexpensives source of water in their kitchens.  We pompously take this fact for or granted, insisting on spending an ungodly amount of money on bottled water.

While hundreds of millions of people struggle to live without basic natural resources, we indulge in expensive bottles of water that allegedly come from a spring or another picturesque natural location.  Then, we stroke our environmentalist sensibilities by recycling the plastic bottles.  This is our idea of making the world a better place. 

This is not to say that bottled water does not have a value in certain contexts.  For example, if you live in an impoverished third-world country such as Somalia, Afghanistan or Mexico, I would strongly suggest that you drink bottled water.

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Angry Letters, part III: My beef with your angus

I prefer to buy groceries that do not suck.

The third entry to my series of angry letters was sparked by incredibly disappointing purchases made at Jewels, an overpriced supermarket chain in the Midwest.  After two meals were ruined, I was seething with anger and decided to write about my experiences.

This message was emailed to Craig Herkert, Chief Operating Officers of SuperValu, the parent company that owns Jewels.  As always, in the unlikely event that Mr. Herkert responds, I will post his response. 

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There is no such thing as an extreme condom

Remember the Aerosmith song Livin’ on the Edge?

Well, living on the edge is for pussies.  The term “the edge” evokes the concept of a boundary, so the phrase suggests behavior that flirts with a legal or safety limit. 

Using this definition, examples of “living on the edge” would include paying one’s cell phone bill one day before service was disconnected, driving at the speed limit or falling asleep without brushing and flossing first. 

I do not live on the edge.  In fact, I absolutely obliterate the edge and refuse to acknowledge its existence. 

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I hate the “fat tax” almost as much as I hate fat people

As an avid sinner, I am vehemently opposed to taxation on my treasured vices. 

However, when I first heard the words “fat tax,” my interest was piqued.  I feel that obese people are repulsive sloths that lower my quality of life by cramping subway cars, sweating in or near the vicinity of my personal space and adversely affecting the aesthetic appeal of this glorious country.  Fat people deserve their comeuppance.  In fact, it is long overdue. 

I pondered how such a tax could be levied.  Perhaps there would be a complex calculation on the 1040 form that involved factors including height, weight and body mass index.  Alternately, a surcharge could be added to the cost of airfare and public transportation, depending upon the sheer mass of the commuter.  Another practical solution would call for scales to be installed in all escalators, elevators and public toilets; obese individuals would not be permitted to use the aforementioned devices without swiping their credit cards to pay a nominal fee.  

Much to my chagrin, I discovered that a “fat tax” would penalize average-size people and bloated sloths alike.  The tax would apply to foods and beverages deemed unhealthy, such as candy, salty snacks and soda.

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I’ll pass on “Cash for Clunkers”

For the past few weeks, I have been mourning the death of my truck.

My beloved vehicle was a shrine of masculinity.  Women swooned as I cruised by with the tiny four-cylinder engine humming.  Men were intimated by the dark purple paint job which made it clear that I am a man who means business.  When I close my eyes, I can still hear the dulcet tones that emanated from the leaky exhaust system when I would step on the accelerator.

The only way my 1999 Chevy Tracker could have been more macho is if it were shaped like a gigantic erect penis with throbbing veins. 

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I hate the environment. Nature sucks.

I consider myself an anti-environmentalist.

I am the polar opposite of a tree-hugging hippie.  In fact, I go to great lengths to damage the environment by wasting resources and polluting as much as possible.

When I finish a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of water while driving, I simply fling the empty container out the window. I don’t want my truck cluttered with trash.  After changing the oil in my truck, I pour the used oil directly into the nearest sewer.  It is far too much trouble drive to the gas station.

As I write this, all of the lights in my apartment are turned on, even though the sun has not yet set.  While today has been an unseasonably cool summer day, I have my windows closed and my air conditioner on full blast, along with three large box fans generating a powerful breeze directed towards my desk.

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You call this progress? Technology is supposed to make life easier.

I’ve always fancied myself a bit of a scammer.

When I was in middle school, two friendly folks from the local bank paid my class a visit.  Students were offered the opportunity to open a savings account in an attempt to teach personal finance management.

The bankers said that each student would receive an ATM card.  Our collective excitement was quickly tempered when they explained that the card could be used for deposits only.  After all, what good is an ATM card if you can’t withdraw cash?

I instantly thought of ways to circumvent the restriction.  I came up with an idea – it was a long shot, but I would have to give it a try. 

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Comcast is pure evil. They probably support terrorism.

I am certain that Satan himself is the President and CEO of Comcast.

I’ve never had a more difficult time dealing with a company.  Their lack of concern for the needs of customers is absolutely stunning.

I was surprised when I read a story in today’s Chicago Tribune that indicated Comcast’s customer satisfaction rating is on the rise.  Apparently, the company monitors the Interwebs for client feedback, responding to individual complaints found on Twitter and personal blogs. 

Despite Comcast’s recent efforts to improve customer service, I will not break my vow: I shall never again do business with the maniacal tyrants behind Comcast.

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Coffee War: The evil clown vs. the mutant mermaid

I never thought that I would find myself rooting for a $30 billion multinational corporation.

McDonalds and Starbucks are embroiled in an epic battle to capture the hearts and minds of America’s coffee drinkers.  And I hope that creepy-ass Ronald McDonald kicks the living shit out of the hippie fish broad on the Starbucks cups. 

I certainly do not have any love for McDonalds.  Their food is terribly bland and unimaginative; sand seems spicy in comparison.  McDonalds’ fare is more suitable as a laxative than as sustenance.  I seldom ingest such tripe, but when I do it is typically because McDonalds is the only option late at night or on a road trip through the rural part of the state. 

While I detest McDonalds, words cannot accurately describe my loathing for Starbucks.  The chain offends my every sensibility.  From the grossly overpriced coffee to the relentless expansion of the company to uninspired architecture of the stores themselves, I find every aspect of Starbucks utterly contemptible.

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