Archive for the ‘fat people’ tag

I hate when children act all growed up, part II

This is part two of my rant about the deplorable behavior of disease-carrying proto-humans, which you might refer to as “children.” Click here to read part one.

Immediately after finishing work, I hurry to the local grocery store.  It is important that I finish my shopping trip as quickly as possible.  I have a small window of time to purchase a few items and return home, as parking spots in my neighborhood are very difficult to find after about 6 p.m.

As a man, I am completely inept in the art of grocery shopping.  Instead of coordinating large shopping trips, I buy individual items as needed, making several trips to the store each week.

My shopping list is quite short and comprised primarily of liquids which are a staple of my kitchen: white wine for boqueen, beer for my alcohol fix and Coca-Cola for my caffeine fix.   I also need portabella mushrooms, corn syrup and Brillo pads. 

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Movie review: Precious was fucking depressing

There are some movies that I would not watch if I were single.

Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire is one such movie.  I tend to prefer comedies or movies with explosions and gunplay.  When the two elements are combined, I am riveted.  Typically, I am not a fan of straight-drama movies, particularly if the film did well at Sundance and critics are raving about it.

One the country has reached a consensus that a dramatic movie is a “must-see,” I tune it out entirely.  Perhaps this makes me a tad bit less cultured, but the contrarian in me appreciates the awestruck and confounded look on people’s faces when I explain that I never saw Million Dollar Baby or Slumdog Millionare.

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I hate the “fat tax” almost as much as I hate fat people

As an avid sinner, I am vehemently opposed to taxation on my treasured vices. 

However, when I first heard the words “fat tax,” my interest was piqued.  I feel that obese people are repulsive sloths that lower my quality of life by cramping subway cars, sweating in or near the vicinity of my personal space and adversely affecting the aesthetic appeal of this glorious country.  Fat people deserve their comeuppance.  In fact, it is long overdue. 

I pondered how such a tax could be levied.  Perhaps there would be a complex calculation on the 1040 form that involved factors including height, weight and body mass index.  Alternately, a surcharge could be added to the cost of airfare and public transportation, depending upon the sheer mass of the commuter.  Another practical solution would call for scales to be installed in all escalators, elevators and public toilets; obese individuals would not be permitted to use the aforementioned devices without swiping their credit cards to pay a nominal fee.  

Much to my chagrin, I discovered that a “fat tax” would penalize average-size people and bloated sloths alike.  The tax would apply to foods and beverages deemed unhealthy, such as candy, salty snacks and soda.

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The Fatchelor: “More to Love” episode 3 review, part II

Once again, mizChartreuse and I collaborated on this review of the lastest episode of More to Love, Fox’s reality program, which is essentially a version of The Bachelor featuring fat fucks.  Part one of the review can be found on mizChartreuse.com. 

bokeen:
After a enchanting evening listening to Danielle talk incessantly while shoving gobs of food into her gullet, Luke hand-picked Heather as his next date.  Luke felt sympathetic for Heather, as she had become seasick during last week’s group date on a yacht.  She was too busy blasting vomit over the side of the boat to spend any quality time with Luke, so he treated her to an afternoon date so that she could learn more about the bachelor’s mundane existence.

Combined, the couple weighs more than 500 pounds.  Transporting such heavy freight is a logistical nightmare.  They were both packed into large crates and a loaded semi-trailer truck.  Upon being unloaded and unpacked, Heather was delighted to find that she and Luke would spend the afternoon horseback riding. 

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The Fatchelor: “More to Love” review, part II

Fellow blogger mizChartreuse and I collaborated on this review of More to Love, Fox’s reality program, which is essentially a version of The Bachelor featuring fat fucks.  Part one of the review can be found on mizChartreuse.com. 

bokeen:
The vast majority of reality show contestants are detestable characters, willing to nosh on live bugs at Joe Rogan’s behest or give Bret Michaels a tugger for their shot at worldwide fame.  However, the participants in More to Love are a particularly morose lot of individuals.

The chunky contestants competing for Luke’s hoof in marriage are shamelessly willing to exploit their obesity on national television.  In the show’s first episode, the women were not only characterized by name, home town and occupation, but by their height and weight as well, as if it were a boxing match. 

Side note: You actually wonder if a reality show could exist with a slender fellow vying for the heart of a cubby broad?  It could happen: the bachelor would have to be a black dude, and the contestants would be fat, white girls.  That is how the universe works. 

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Increasing obesity, one lard ass at a time.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that fat people are repulsive. 

There a few things more repugnant than the sight of massive mammal with multiple chins puffing and sweating while undertaking a taxing chore such as sitting.

Unfortunately, the United States is the fattest country in the world, and obesity is steadily rising.  In 2007, 26.6% of Americans were obese, up from 19.4% a decade earlier.  Should the current trend continue, by 2035 there will be only five skinny American adults. 

I am blessed with the metabolism of a hyperactive jackrabbit on meth, so I have never had to struggle with weight problems.  I am able to eat fatty foods and exercise very little without gaining weight.  It appears that many portly Americans also subscribe to the bokeen diet. 

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