Archive for the ‘food’ tag

Bottled water is for pussies

Few things are more emblematic of American decadence than our affinity for bottled water.

More than 884 million people – nearly three times the population of United States – do not have access to clean drinking water.  Meanwhile, the vast majority of Americans have a healthy and inexpensives source of water in their kitchens.  We pompously take this fact for or granted, insisting on spending an ungodly amount of money on bottled water.

While hundreds of millions of people struggle to live without basic natural resources, we indulge in expensive bottles of water that allegedly come from a spring or another picturesque natural location.  Then, we stroke our environmentalist sensibilities by recycling the plastic bottles.  This is our idea of making the world a better place. 

This is not to say that bottled water does not have a value in certain contexts.  For example, if you live in an impoverished third-world country such as Somalia, Afghanistan or Mexico, I would strongly suggest that you drink bottled water.

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Angry Letters, part III: My beef with your angus

I prefer to buy groceries that do not suck.

The third entry to my series of angry letters was sparked by incredibly disappointing purchases made at Jewels, an overpriced supermarket chain in the Midwest.  After two meals were ruined, I was seething with anger and decided to write about my experiences.

This message was emailed to Craig Herkert, Chief Operating Officers of SuperValu, the parent company that owns Jewels.  As always, in the unlikely event that Mr. Herkert responds, I will post his response. 

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Increasing obesity, one lard ass at a time.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that fat people are repulsive. 

There a few things more repugnant than the sight of massive mammal with multiple chins puffing and sweating while undertaking a taxing chore such as sitting.

Unfortunately, the United States is the fattest country in the world, and obesity is steadily rising.  In 2007, 26.6% of Americans were obese, up from 19.4% a decade earlier.  Should the current trend continue, by 2035 there will be only five skinny American adults. 

I am blessed with the metabolism of a hyperactive jackrabbit on meth, so I have never had to struggle with weight problems.  I am able to eat fatty foods and exercise very little without gaining weight.  It appears that many portly Americans also subscribe to the bokeen diet. 

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Scenes From a Moroccan Restaurant

Bottle of red, bottles of Lite…

Last week, boqueen and I met up with four of her friends for dinner at a Moroccan restaurant.  I was delighted to find out about the restaurant’s “BYO” policy, which means that we would be allowed to bring our own booze of choice.  As an ardent alcoholic, I realized that we’d potentially save hundreds of dollars on drinks. 

The restaurant was located in the Lakeview neighborhood, an area rife with yuppies.  I briefly considered trying to blend in by getting dressed up and bringing import beer.  But I am a simple man, comfortable sipping cheap domestic beer while lounging in a black t-shirt and Chuck Taylors.  I decided to keep it classy by eschewing my preference of cans of Miller Lite in favor of bottles of Miller Lite. 

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The commercial jingle penned by Satan himself

I never thought that three simple words could haunt my every waking moment, driving me to murderous rage. 

“Five.”

I cringe as I hear the solitary syllable.  I chomp on the filter of my cigarette, bracing for the next words.

“Five dollar.”

My heart rate surges and I am overwhelmed with anger. 

“Five dollar footlooooong.”

I reach my breaking point, grinding out my cigarette in frustration.  I jump off the couch, searching for a knife to jam in my ear, rendering me deaf. 

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Help rid the world of False Pizzas

I am a pizza purist.

As a lifelong Chicagoan, I think I know a thing or two about pizza.  After all, Chicago is the birthplace of the deep dish pizza, one of the finest foods in the known universe.  I take issue when the word “pizza” is bastardized and used to describe a food that only slightly resembles actual pizza.

False Pizzas are easy to find, even in a pizza Mecca like Chicago. The most well-known distributor of False Pizzas in California Pizza Kitchen, a chain consisting of over 250 restaurants worldwide. While CPK has dubbed many of their creations “pizza,” I prefer to refer to their food as “yuppie chow.” 

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Vegetarianism is stupid. I want to eat a dolphin.

Most humans are omnivores.  While I occasionally ingest plant matter, I am a borderline carnivore.  I love eating meat so much that I have to remind myself to eat other types of foods in order to avoid constipation. 

I believe that a proper meal is anchored by an entrée that left a family behind before making its way onto my plate.  If the animal had been given a first name, even better.  Enjoy your salad while I enjoy my crabmeat-stuffed filet wrapped in bacon and covered in gravy, served with a side of beef jerky.

While I eat vegetables, grains and an occasional dairy product, I do not consume fruit, unless you count the lime wedge that is garnishing the gin and tonic that I am drinking as I write this. 

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