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posted: 12.29.09 at 12:00 AM
filed under: religion
Eminent domain is a pretty fucking brutal concept.
For those of you who were asleep, stoned or absent during eight-grade social studies class, I will explain. Eminent domain grants governments the right to seize private property against the owner’s consent, as long as the property will be used to benefit the general public.
While property owners are compensated for their loss, this is an excellent example of the government flexing its muscle like one of the tanned Italian lads on Jersey Shore.
Property may be claimed for a variety of reasons, for example, to build highways, railroad, infrastructure, or a statue of Barack Obama.
American Injustice System, part II
posted: 06.28.09 at 08:00 PM
filed under: politics
Previously on bokeen.com: American judges handed down puny sentences for horrific crimes. An NFL player was sentenced to 24 days in jail for killing a man in a drunken car accident. A Chicago cop walked free after viciously beating a defenseless female bartender. Jack Bauer narrowly escaped after being captured and tortured by terrorists. Read part one for the full story.
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In February, four bicycles were stolen from outside of a hotel in Santa Rosa, California. The bicycles in question were not the caliber of a bike that you or I would ride; they belonged to Kazakh cycling Team Astana, which was competing in the Tour of California.
Sacramento resident Lee Crider pleaded no contest to charges of burglary and theft in the case. He will be sentenced to three years in prison.
One of the bicycles belonged to legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong.
Armstrong is the record-setting, cancer-surviving, single-testicled, Livestrong-bracelet-wearing athlete that has dominated sports reports on summertime newscasts for a decade. He is also a giant piece of steaming shit.
American Injustice System, part I
posted: 06.27.09 at 08:00 PM
filed under: politics
Some say that justice is blind; the American judicial system is deaf and dumb as well.
Criminal sentencing is wildly inconsistent as judges punish criminals with blatant disregard for the severity of their crimes. Three cases in the last month alone illustrate the shortcomings of the country’s judicial system.
Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth pleaded guilty to charges of DUI manslaughter for killing a man while driving drunk; he will serve 24 days in jail.
Chicago Police officer Anthony Abbate was found guilty of aggravated battery for a drunken incident where he belligerently threw a female bartender to the ground and beat her; he will serve two years probation, avoiding jail altogether.
A man named Lee Crider pleaded no contest to charges of burglary and theft for stealing three bicycles, including one owned by world-famous douche-on-a-bike Lance Armstrong; he will serve three years in jail.
The incongruity of the punishments compared to the crimes is utterly staggering.
“Yes We Can,” revised for Illinois Democrats.
posted: 01.12.09 at 10:00 PM
filed under: politics
For political junkies like me, the past few weeks have been wretchedly interesting. Illinois’ scandal spilled into Washington D.C. when governor Rod Blagojevich (R-Shit’s Creek) appointed Roland Burris (D-Hundred Acre Woods) to the United States senate. This set off a firestorm of confusion and confrontation, ultimately culminating with senate democrats relenting and agreeing to seat Burris.
In light of today’s events, I thought that it would be appropriate to write a speech on behalf of Michael Madigan (D-Madigan Dynasty), chairman of the Democratic Party in Illinois. This is a speech that could be delivered to all Illinois Democrats, touting their success in strengthening the Chicago political machine and extending its influence to the national level. The speech was inspired by President-elect Barack Obama’s (D-Hyde Park) acceptance speech that he delivered the night he was elected president.
Rollie the Pooh
posted: 01.11.09 at 11:40 PM
filed under: politics
Whenever Roland Burris (D-Hundred Acre Wood) speaks, I can’t help but notice that he has a very strange voice. Over past few days, I have struggled to come up with an accurate description: is his voice Muppet like, or is he simply doing a poor impersonation of a cartoon character?
Then, last Friday, Chicago radio personality and American treasure Roe Conn shed some light on the situation. On his show, he compared Burris’ voice to the voice of cartoon character Winnie the Pooh. When two brief audio clips were played side by side, the two voices were indistinguishable.
I was delighted to have finally discovered the truth: Rolland Burris is related to Winnie the Pooh. I have created the video below to support this theory. While the voices are not identical, they are similar enough to suggest a familial relationship. I invite you to comment and let me know what you think..
The Blagojevich circus continues, complete with human props.
posted: 01.11.09 at 07:00 PM
filed under: politics
The show must go on. The circus of Illinois politics continues to capture imaginations across the nation, as the tales of scandal-plagued governor Rod Blagojevich (D-Shit’s Creek) continues to unfold in a dramatic and bizarre fashion. The latest entry into the incredible saga came Friday as Blagojevich held a press conference less than 24 hours after the Illinois House of Representatives had voted to impeach him.
One would expect a garden variety press conference, filled with vehement denials of wrongdoing, peppered with an occasional Bible reference. But this is Blagojevich, the egotistical executive with a penchant for the dramatic and a delusional sense of self-righteousness. A huddled mass of the tired, poor and ill stood on stage waiting for the governor, who was obviously occupied with Official Business, as he trotted onto the stage 25 minutes late.
Blagojevich’s Senate pick has nothing to do with race
posted: 12.30.08 at 09:58 PM
filed under: politics
Today, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-Shit’s Creek) selected former Attorney General Roland Burris (D-Special Interests) to occupy the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama (D-Hyde Park).
The embattled governor’s move took a great deal of chutzpah. On December 9, Blagojevich was arrested by federal agents for accusations of corruption, including attempting to sell Obama’s seat to the highest bidder. In the subsequent weeks, a letter signed by all 50 senate democrats was sent to Blagojevich, requesting that he step down, allowing his successor to appoint Obama’s successor. They promised to exercise their constitutional authority to prevent the replacement from serving. Secretary of State Jesse White (D-Tumblers) vowed that he would block a Blagojevich pick, potentially preventing the person from serving.
Much has been made about Burris’ race. Burris is a black man and Congress is comprised of predominately old white men. He would be the lone black senator.
The Chicago Machine is alive and well thanks to Illinois voters
posted: 12.14.08 at 09:02 PM
filed under: politics
Governor Rod Blagojevich’s (D-Shit’s Creek) legal troubles have brought the Chicago machine back onto the national stage for the first time in decades.
Some believed that the machine died with Boss Daley (D-Bridgeport) in 1976. Others think that the election of Mayor Harold Washington (D-Good Guys) in 1983 signaled the demise of machine influence in Chicago politics.
The machine has not died. In the early 80s, the machine went atrophied and retooled, emerging stronger than ever. Today’s machine is very different from the machine that Boss Daley oversaw decades ago.
