Archive for the ‘media’ tag

Decoded: “Seen ‘Black Swan’? Yes, I’m In It!” (Huffington Post)

boqueen and I recently saw "Black Swan" because, judging by the reaction on the Twitter, the movie was either a fetid, diseased pile of warm fecal matter or the single greatest piece of cinema since the invention of film.

My reaction to the film was somewhere in between those two extremes. While I found it enjoyable and entertaining, I did not find it to be some sort of transcendent experience.

That evening, I Googled "Black Swan" to read a few reviews of the film in a vain attempt to validate my own options.  One of the first posts that I came across was a piece from Huffington Post written by Tina Sloan.

Sloan is a geriatric actress who was cast in a very small role in "Black Swan." Her post, titled, "Seen ‘Black Swan’? Yes, I’m In It!" is easily one of the most pathetically pretentious and self-important collection of words ever compiled.

I have reprinted Sloan’s post below, in its entirety. The paragraphs in italics are the comments that Sloan carelessly omitted from the original piece, but go a long way long way to reinforcing the general theme of this awful post.

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Chatroulette: Gallery of the morose

Have you heard of Chatroulette, the latest social networking sensation that is sweeping the Interwebs?

Of course you haven’t, because you aren’t as plugged in as me.  I am always aware of the latest trends on the Interwebs, because I am a social media expert and a bona fide SEM, SEO and web 2.0 marketing professional.  It says so in my Twitter profile.

Chatroulette allows you to strike up a video chat with random strangers.  Clicking “Play” puts you in touch with one the site’s hundreds of thousands of users.  If you do not like what you see, you can click the “Next” button to find a new chat partner.

To refer to Chatroulette merely as a “social networking website” is an understatement.  It is a social networking tour de force that opens a window to the world of the morose individuals that live on the Interwebs.

Armed with my webcam and a fifth of Captain Morgan, I decided to explore the Chatroulette experience.  After several hours of repeatedly clicking the “Next” button, I developed a strong understanding of the Chatroulette audience makeup.  Also, I got shit-faced drunk in the process.

 I would like to share my findings with you in the form of this spectacular gallery of screenshots.

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Stop bitching about changes to The Book of Face

For many, the Book of Face has replaced actual interaction with other human folks.

This is truly a reflection of the sad state of the world today.  Social network provides a tidy and convenient forum for managing our relationships, without the hassle of face-to-face contact. 

Interpersonal interaction is now comprised sending virtual gifts, inviting friends to play Farmville and writing on one another’s wall.  These have replaced traditional, wholesome activities, such as going out for coffee, playing a rousing match of checkers or receiving a handjob in a 1992 Geo Metro while parked outside of a Denny’s at three in the morning. 

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Review of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue

Last week, the 46th annual edition of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue hit newsstands, and I do not understand why. 

The magazine is an antiquated relic of a bygone era, much like landline telephones, newspapers and the Republican Party.  It is a charming but obsolete reminder of a simpler time. 

The first swimsuit issue, published in 1946, was designed as a tasteful masturbatory aide and a means to drive magazine sales during the slow winter months.  In the following decades, the magazine’s impact was profound.  It initiated an era of new supermodels and made bulimia stylish.  Its success provided massive amounts of revenue for the magazine’s publisher and the tanning industry. 

Today, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue seems completely unnecessary.  We live in an era where the Interwebs are everywhere, with wireless connections in the home, office, countless coffee shops and McDonalds locations.  Smartphones have become ubiquitous, providing users with portable access to the Freeway of Super Information. 

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Don’t compare Michael Jackson to Elvis, you fucking retard.

For a brief moment, I thought that Michael Jordan was dead.

“MJ is dead,” boqueen announced as I awoke from my afternoon nap. Instantly, my mind pictured pushing off of Bryon Russell in Utah before draining a jumper to win the 1998 NBA Finals. As Jordan watched his shot sink through the net with his hand extended in the air, I wondered whether we were talking about the same person.

“MJ?” I slowly repeated.

“Michael Jackson,” boqueen replied, fully understanding my confusion.

“Holy shit,” I whispered, my syllables prolonged by disbelief, “he was only 50.”

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Squandering time with The Book of Face

You may not have heard, but social networking sites are all the rage on today’s Interwebs.

We live in an era where a large percentage of social interaction has been replaced by pounding away at a plastic keyboard in front of a bright LCD screen.  Millions of users flock to sites such as Twitter, LinkedIn and Adult Friend Finder for their daily fix of social activity.  The most popular of these sites is Facebook, herein referred to as “The Book of Face.”

As recently as last year, a different site was the premier social networking destination.  In April of 2008, The Book of Face unseated chief rival MySpace from the throne.  Web traffic is difficult to accurately measure, but by some accounts, The Book of Face is the fourth most popular destination on the Interwebs.

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The power of Bon Jovi compels you

Miley Cyrus is more powerful than Barack Obama (D-Nazareth), if Forbes magazine is to be believed. 

Last week, Forbes released its annual “Celebrity 100,” which ranks “The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities.”  On this year’s list, Angelia Jolie has dethroned Oprah Winfrey as the most powerful celebrity on the planet.

I find such ranking to be utterly preposterous.  Are we to believe that the teen idol is more influential than the leader of the free world?  After all, Obama has access to the Big Red Button which could annihilate humanity in a massive nuclear explosion.  He has the bully pulpit of the presidency at his disposal and was reportedly born in a manger.  Cyrus, on the other hand, is a pop star with a show on the Disney Channel and a creepy relationship with her Achy Breaky father.

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Only douchebags hate on legends

On Monday, the most inevitable event in the history of professional sports became a reality: Michael Jordan was elected into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame.  Jordan openly acknowledged his bittersweet feelings about the honor.

“I always want to be able to have you thinking I can always go back and play the game of basketball and put your shorts on,” Jordan joked. “Hall of Fame to me is like, OK, it’s over and done with.”

Jordan may only be half-joking.  As a player, he was defined by his ultra-competitive nature.  His desire to play – and win – is the primary reason that only his third retirement was actually permanent. 

Many sports commentators were quick to mock the notion of a third comeback by M. Jeff.  They believe that the rotund, 45-year-old version of Jordan couldn’t compete at the game’s highest level.  Some went as far as suggest that he was essentially finished before he returned to play for the Washington Wizards in 2001. 

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Please stop using the “-gate” suffix to describe scandals

Open Letter to All Members of the News Media

To all journalists and news producers,

Many of you have taken it upon yourself to dub the scandal surrounding Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich (D-Shit’s Creek) as “BlagoGate”.  I respectfully request that you invent a different naming convention for scandals and refrain from using the “-gate” suffix in the future.

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