For those of you who were asleep, stoned or absent during eight-grade social studies class, I will explain.  Eminent domain grants governments the right to seize private property against the owner’s consent, as long as the property will be used to benefit the general public.

While property owners are compensated for their loss, this is an excellent example of the government flexing its muscle like one of the tanned Italian lads on Jersey Shore.

Property may be claimed for a variety of reasons, for example, to build highways, railroad, infrastructure, or a statue of Barack Obama. 

Eminent domain is firmly entrenched in American life, outlined in the “Takings Clause” of the Constitution.  Surprisingly, the same document that establishes a set of checks and balances between the three branches of government, and grants me the right to liberally use awesome phrases like “fuck-socket,” “cunt-face” and “impeach the fuck-socket, cunt-faced President, whoever that is right now.” It also allows the government to steal my property for their own uses.

Consider the implications of such a heavy-handed law.  One day, you are sitting on a beanbag in your mother’s basement playing Nintendo 64.  The next day, you are fucking homeless and a Starbucks has been erected in the same place where you used to watch reruns of Perfect Strangers.  Remember where your parent’s wedding picture used to hang?  Cream and sugar can be found there now. 

Of course, courts will rationalize this.  “Fuck your childhood memories,” a judge will declare.  “This new strip mall stimulates the local economy and creates jobs.  Plus, it’s got a Jimmy Johns.”

It is startling to realize that every one of us is a disposable pawn and our entire livelihood can be taken away at the behest of a hack lawyer that was fortunate enough to be elected into office.  This proves, beyond a doubt, that we are all slaves to the government – even white people.  That is a travesty.

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The runway layout at O’Hare was designed by famed civil engineer Joe Planesgoncrash.

Eminent domain has played a critical role in plans to expand Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.  Construction is currently underway on the plan, which calls for the reconfiguring the airport’s chaotic patchwork of runways, resulting in a 60% increase in capacity, according to the city’s estimates.

The plans have been highly controversial, spawning seemingly ceaseless political debate and litigation.  Mayor Richard Daley (D-Machine) is in favor of modernizing the airport, as a means to generate lucrative contracts for his chums in the construction industry and various other business interests that have propped up his inept ass for decades.  Opponents of the plan call for the construction of a new airport in the suburbs.  These individuals object to the displacement of thousands of businesses and homes, along with increased congestion in the region.

The most vocal resistance to the plans has come from the suburbs that border the airport, including Bensenville and Des Plaines.  The expansion required these suburbs to surrender large swaths of land to the City of Chicago.

Their efforts ultimately proved to be futile.  Judges repeatedly ruled in favor of the Chicago Machine.  Appeals failed.  Despite their efforts, the expansion of O’Hare Airport was inevitable. 

The last significant barrier to the plans was eliminated in November when the Bensenville accepted a settlement to end their opposition.  In return, the village received a paltry payoff of $16 million, along with the City of Chicago’s pledge to provide fund the purchase of sound-resistant windows for residents. 

The expansion of the airport has drastically transformed the small suburb.  The east side of the village is a ghost town of sorts, as hundreds of homes and dozens businesses have been abandoned to make way for Daley’s grand plan. 

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With the most formidable challenges to O’Hare expansion either paid off or litigated into oblivion, the opponents that now stand in the way of the plan are inferior foes by comparison. 

Two weeks ago, proponents of the plan overcame one of these pathetic challengers.

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St. Johannes Cemetery is located uncomfortably close to the airport and in the path of a potential new runway.  The 6.3-acre cemetery houses 900 corpses and was built in the 19th century, long before the advent of new-fangled flying machines.

On December 18, a DuPage County judge ruled that the City of Chicago could claim the cemetery’s land under eminent domain laws.  The Chicago Department of Aviation will foot the bill for relocating wooden boxes full of decomposed remains.

St. John’s United Church of Christ in Bensenville owns the cemetery.  In legal filings, the church argued that the graves should “remain undisturbed until the day of resurrection of Jesus Christ,” per the religious beliefs of those buried at the cemetery.

I fail to understand why a presumably competent lawyer would chose to include such an absurd argument in a court document. 

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Normally, I am adamantly opposed to the use of eminent domain laws. However, he wording of the church’s argument left the judge no choice other than to rule in favor of the City of Chicago.

Guess who’s back…back again.

The American judicial system is designed to consider matters of fact.  Jesus’ resurrection is the ultimate example of a “sliding deadline.”  No one can pinpoint the exact date or time that the elusive Christ-man will come back.  In fact, no one is certain if the event will actually occur.  For a judge, setting a timeline based upon Christ’s resurrection would be similar to ruling that O’Hare expansion could proceed “when Dick Cheney wins the Nobel Peace Prize.”

Likewise, the legal brief asked the judge to consider the religious beliefs of those buried in the cemetery.  Essentially, the judge had to weight the will of corpses – dead people that haven’t even become zombies yet – against the interests of the Chicagoland community and international travelers.

In summary, the infantile argument by St. John’s United Church of Christ begged the judge to consider the preference of dead people and wait for a potentially fictitious character to come back to life before allowing the O’Hare expansion plans to continue. 

I can understand Judge Hollis Webster’s decision.  Faced with the burden the separation of church and state as granted by the First Amendment, he decided to rule against a part basing their legal argument upon religion, or as viewed by objective parties, mythology.

Eminent domain is a bitch.  I do feel bad for the folks at St. John’s, and the families of those buried at the cemetery.  

Now move those boxes full of smelly corpses so that we can make a runway. 

A few weeks ago, as we ventured out to pick up lunch, I noticed a large piece of mail at the entrance of her palace.  The hefty envelope was addressed to boqueen, and the return address indicated that it had been sent by the Chicago Baha’i Center.

The Baha’i faith is the youngest of the major religions and is spreading quite rapidly.  Baha’is can be found in countries and territories across the globe, second to only Christianity.  The Baha’i faith emphasizes the unity of humanity and all religions.

I have spoken with boqueen at great length about religion and spirituality, and the Baha’i faith had never come up, so the packet piqued my interest.  She said that several years ago, she met a friendly southern woman at O’Hare airport.  The topic of conversation turned to religion, and the woman explained her Baha’i beliefs.

boqueen told the woman that she agreed with many tenants of the faith – few will take umbrage with concepts such as peace,  unity and equality – but she said that she did not feel the need subscribe to a particular faith.

After a long conversation, boqueen exchanged contact information with the woman.  They have not been in touch since the airport encounter, but boqueen began receiving mailings from the Baha’is.  boqueen ignored and discarded each packet as soon as they arrived.

I was too curious to throw away such a hefty envelope full of propaganda.  I ripped open the envelope to find two documents.  The first was a small newsletter about the latest happenings in the Baha’i community.  The envelope also contained a large directory of Baha’is in Chicago.

“Don’t tell me that my name is in that directory,” boqueen said. 

I quickly scanned through the pages and found her name and contact information.  I looked up from the book with a telling smirk.

“No fucking way!” boqueen yelled.  “Let me see that!”

I pointed to the entry in the directory.  While we were both shocked, boqueen noted that the contact information in the directory was out of date. 

While I was outraged by fact that boqueen’s contact information was involuntarily disclosed, she was far more measured in her response, choosing to laugh at the matter instead.

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I find it curious that a religion would involuntarily sign up members – it seems like a method for padding the number of faithful in order to appeal to those considering converting to Baha’i.

It is impossible to provide an accurate count of members of any given faith.  The estimates of the number of Baha’is in the United States have varied wildly over the past three decades and are clearly unreliable.  Many estimates make a distinction between individuals with valid mailing addresses, known as “members,” and practicing, “active” Baha’is. 

On the surface, artificially padding the number of Baha’is seems somewhat unethical – after all, it is not fair to count the number of addresses on a mailing list as faithful members of a religion. 

However, we live in the age of the Interwebs; a recent study found that nine out of every three Americans will have their identity stolen by the time you finish reading this sentence.  Furthermore, billions of rapists, stalkers, creepers and Bulgarian hackers will seize every opportunity to find their victim.  Widespread distribution of a person’s contact information without their consent makes it easier for these sleazy bastards to find a new mark.

While I am not accusing the Baha’is of regularly engaging in this practice, I am deeply disturbed by finding boqueen’s contact information in their Chicago directory.  Nor do I take issue with the Baha’i faith, spare my skepticism of organized religion as a whole.  However, it would be utterly reprehensible if this was a widespread practice among Baha’is, in light of the sheer number of malcontents willing to dumpster dive to procure even a shred of one’s personal information.  While garnering one’s contact information is not a difficult task, we live in an age where privacy is a paramount concern. 

In this age of cyber-crime and Interweb creepers, I am especially guarded about disclosing any personal information. boqueen’s conversation with the southern belle was not indicative of her interest in adopting a new faith, and whoring out her personal information publicly is an egregious breach of personal trust.

A note to all: if you are ever fortunate enough to discover the location of my home (the “bocave”), please do not circulate my address throughout the greater Chicagoland area. 

This phenomenon is emblematic of the popularity of religion as a whole.  Followers take solace in the fact that there is a higher power at work, governing the workings of the world.  If God wasn’t calling the shots, the world would descend into chaos, threatening the sheer existence of humankind.

I believe that this is complete bullshit. I cannot fathom the concept that we are all pawns in an omnipotent being’s master plan. 

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It is pompous to believe that you could play a part in God’s plan.  Consider the key players in God’s plan – he’s got an excellent team with a deep bench.  What could you bring to the table as a mere mortal, when God has Jesus, Abraham, Moses, Noah and Barack Obama in his Fave 5?

It’s not like God is franticly pacing in heaven, fretting about the next step in his Big Plan.

“We’re going to need help to pull this off,” God remarks, “who can help us out?”

“Great questions,” Jesus laments.  “Wait – what about Tara’s Uncle Larry?”

The suggestion piques God’s interest.  “Tara Almeida from Buffalo?” he asks.

“No, Tara Bailey from Chicago,” Jesus explains, “the drunken junior high janitor with the addiction to YouPorn.”

“Good call, JC!” God exclaims.  “If pull Uncle Larry into the fold, we’ll get this shit done.” 

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Face it: there is no Grand Master Plan.  If there were, every calamity on earth would be the means for God to reach his or her ultimate goal.  If natural disasters, terrorism, wars, pandemics, bad sitcoms and puppies being hit by cars are all part of God’s plan, God is a cold motherfucker.  How does a religious person reconcile the fact that God – purportedly an all-knowning and loving entity – had shared interests with Usama bin Laden, Hitler and Jim Belushi?

I cannot find a fundamental flaw in an individual’s faith in a higher power – religion just isn’t my bag.  But the world is a scary and unpredictable place.  If you insist on believing that a higher power causes all of the bad things that happen in the word, you are deceiving yourself.

And if you believe that your ultimate fate in life is predetermined, you are missing the point of life.  If there is a God, his or her greatest gift to humanity the freedom to make our own decisions and shape our own futures. 

If you don’t agree with that, then your life is rather pointless. 

I am not a religious person – that is a topic for another post – but I do find these cheaply produced tributes to a higher power somewhat disturbing.  I will not explore the topic of idolatry deeply; the Wikipedia entry on the topic is over 4,000 words long, making research far too time-consuming for my tastes.

Both Islam and Judaism forbid the artistic representations of their respective Gods.  I can understand the Islamic and Judaic stance on this issue.  If one is to believe that the world was created by an omnipotent and all-powerful being, how could a mere mortal fully understand the concept of the higher power, let alone create an artistic rendition of their God?

Aside from the concept of false idols and “graven images,” I cannot understand how inexpensive, mass-produced tchotchkes are a worthy tribute to one’s God.  If I was the most powerful entity in the universe, I would not be impressed by the fact that you proudly wear a two dollar “WWJD” bracelet.  I created the universe in six days, after all – trivial junk manufactured in a Chinese factory simply would not move me. 

Jesus was tremendously impressed by the 99 cent candle with a cheesy picture of his mom.

Furthermore, what if the higher power finds the tribute to be tacky or worse yet, ugly?  Would Jesus not be offended if he found your Virgin Mary candle to be downright hideous?  If I were a religious person, I would not want to mock my Lord and savior’s mother in this manner.  This is simply asking for trouble. 

Another inherent problem is that there are no rules governing the proper display of these religious products.  If one wears both “WWJD” and “Livestrong” bracelets, does that indicate that Jesus Christ is to be held in the same regard as Lance Armstrong?  Or does this indicate that Armstrong has been elevated to the status of God? 

Likewise, if one displays a Jesus Fish on the back of their car, are they allowed to display bumper stickers?  If so, how does one know which is superior?  Does the presence of a “McCain-Palin” bumper sticker alongside a Jesus Fish indicate that John McCain (R-Maverick) and Sarah Palin (R-Religious Right) are to be considered deities? 

Clearly, a detailed set of regulations are required, similar to the United States Flag Code. 

I feel there are far better ways to pay tribute to one’s God and express the joy, joy, joy, joy down in one’s heart. Rather than pissing away money on religious-themed bullshit, would one’s money not be better spent as a donation to a charity that works to feed the hungry or cure the sick?

I think that’s what Jesus would do.