Archive for the ‘sports’ tag

Farewell, Winter Olympics. I hate you and I hope that you never come back.

The Winter Olympics ended last night, and I am pleased that the asinine spectacle finally came to a close.

I am sure that millions of people tuned in to the closing ceremonies to watch the elaborate parade of athletes with funny European names smiling and waving.  I imagine that silly national anthems were played, and that Bob Costas said very positive things.  I assume that a torch was involved and that viewers felt a heartwarming sense of national pride.

The extravagant pageantry of the closing ceremonies is thoroughly uninteresting to me.   In fact, I despise the Winter Olympics as a whole. 

I can relate more to the summer games, since I have actually participated in many of the summer sports.  The sports in the Summer Olympics are simply more accessible.  If I want to play basketball, I can purchase a ball and a pair of sneakers and go to a nearby schoolyard.  A desire to run 400 meters could be quenched by stepping outdoors, after phoning the British Empire to determine how far 400 meters is.

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Tiger Woods’ questionable use of his penis

I am thoroughly enjoying witnessing the Tiger Woods saga unfold.

This may seem a bit hypocritical, as I recently decried celebrity news outlets for continually churning out mindless drivel.  I make an exception for the tales of Woods’ philandering, as two captivating storylines have been brought to the forefront by the burgeoning fleet of women that have taken turns serving as the golfer’s personal semen dumpster.

Thanks to Rachel Uchitel and her fellow skanks, America has been given a behind-the-scenes look into the sex lives of rich and powerful men.  Celebrities like Tiger hire experienced pussy wranglers to gather a collection of young dames eager for their chance to mount a famous penis.  The ladies are treated to top-shelf liquor and a fun night out, and the lucky lad gets to pick the gal (or gals) that he will bed.

The women are treated like cattle in this extremely organized and businesslike approach to sex.  It is quite similar to high-end restaurants that allow you to pick your lobster from a tank, or your preferred cut of porterhouse from a silver platter. 

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Top five reasons why I hate Notre Dame

Hate is such a strong word.  At times, it isn’t strong enough.

Last spring, I chronicled ten different reasons that explain my contempt for the Chicago Cubs.  I noted that I merely dislike most rival teams, and that there are few teams that I truly hate, aside from the Cubs.

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish are worthy of such scorn.  If I were to summon any more energy to apply towards my hatred of the Irish, I would surely perish from extreme physical exhaustion.

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bokeen’s ban on bad football

Thanksgiving is a time to express gratitude for all that we are blessed with as Americans, though I feel it is the perfect opportunity to complain about things that anger me. 

In many ways, Thanksgiving is the consummate American holiday, steeped in rich tradition.  The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in the early 1600s.  Legend has it that the Pilgrims and American Indians set aside their differences and shared a late autumn feast.  The Injuns brought turkey.  The Pilgrims brought corn.  The Injuns called the corn “maize.”  Everyone laughed, appreciating the humor of the cultural shock, much like the movie Coming to America.  All was warm and fuzzy.

In subsequent years, the Pilgrims would plunder the Injuns’ land, infect them with exotic European diseases, rape their women, relocate them onto tiny reservations and destroy the pristine landscape of their home.  Today, the land the Injuns once called home has been replaced by sprawling mini-malls anchored with Walmart and Starbucks locations.  The few Injuns remaining were compensated with licenses to run casinos.  As a white man, I realize that this is the price of progress.

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Running in a marathon is a symptom of mental illness

Each year, thousands of developmentally-disabled individuals descend on downtown Chicago to compete in a grueling athletic competition requiring remarkable levels of strength and endurance. 

I am referring to the Chicago Marathon. 

More than 45,000 runners participated in today’s race.  The marathon’s route begins downtown and took runners through the North Side, West Loop and South Side, past thousands of cheering spectators.  The annual race, originally dubbed “Mayor Daley’s Marathon,” began in 1977.  In subsequent years, the marathon grew into a massive autumn spectacle for fans and a contemptible nuisance for Chicago commuters. 

Fortunately, the traffic congestion brought on by the marathon is no bother to me, as I have a developed a ritual for the Chicago Marathon.  Each year, as thousands of runners take to the streets, I lock all of my doors and board my windows.  Once all entrances to my apartment are secure, I crouch in a corner, nervously clutching my sawed-off shotgun. 

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LeBron James is a complete douchebag

“Do you know Bone Thugs-n-Harmony?” 

I facetiously asked the question when Alisa, my newest coworker, explained that she grew up in an area between Cleveland and Akron, Ohio.  The short white girl was neither thuggish nor ruggish, so her negative response did not surprise me. 

I searched my mind for the name of another famous Ohio native.

“How about LeBron James?” I sarcastically inquired.

“Fuck LeBron James. Fuck Lebron James!  He is a complete fucking prick,” Alisa feverishly exclaimed. 

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Farewell, Ben Gordon. Good luck with that, Detroit.

The Ben Gordon era in Chicago is officially over. 

Wednesday, the free agent guard agreed to the terms of a contract with the Detroit Pistons.  The soon-to-be-former Chicago Bull wasted no time in bolting out of town, agreeing to the deal less than 24 hours after the start of the NBA’s free agency period.

Gordon quickly became a fan favorite after being selected by the Bulls in the 2004 NBA Draft.  His late-game heroics and incredible shooting ability propelled him to the honor of becoming the first rookie to receive the league’s Sixth Man of the Year Award.  He was runner-up for Rookie of the Year honors, narrowly losing out to his college teammate Emeka Okafor.

Very few NBA players possess Gordon’s clutch scoring abilities.  His skill is only rivaled by the likes of superstars such as Kobe Bryant and LeBron James.  However, unlike these premiere players, Gordon is pathetically inept in virtually every other aspect of the game.

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Farewell, Rex Grossman. Best wishes.

The Rex Grossman era in Chicago is officially over.

Many felt that the era had ended in April, when the Bears traded for Pro Bowl quarterback Jay Cutler.  I was not convinced.  There was no question that Cutler would take on the starting role.  Coach Lovie Smith even indicated that Grossman didn’t factor into the team’s 2009 plans.  Yet I believed that there was a slim possibility that the Bears might sign Grossman as a backup.  After all, the team had showed unshaking confidence in Grossman since he was drafted in 2003.

Friday, the Houston Texans announced that they had signed Grossman to a one-year deal.  Three quarterbacks are already on the team’s roster and Grossman will compete for the third-string job.

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Steroids seem like a pretty good idea

Last week, Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for violation of Major League Baseball’s drug policy.  Ramirez has tested positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (hGC,) a women’s fertility drug.

While hGC is commonly used to return a man’s testosterone levels to normal after finishing a cycle of steroids, Ramirez claimed that the drug had been prescribed to him by a physician.  I fully believe his explanation.  Clearly, Manny Ramirez is a man in need of fertile ovaries. 

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Retraction: Actually, I am glad that the Bulls made the playoffs.

I am seldom wrong about anything; when I am, it is notable.

Five weeks ago, I wrote that I had hoped the Chicago Bulls would miss the playoffs.  I felt that a postseason appearance would give Bulls brass the false impression that the team was headed in the right direction, and that a potential playoff beat down would not be a valuable experience for the young team.

I was wrong, and I would like to retract my post from March 28.

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