home
contact
subscribebokeen’s ban on bad football
posted: 12.01.09 at 01:00 AM
filed under: sports
Thanksgiving is a time to express gratitude for all that we are blessed with as Americans, though I feel it is the perfect opportunity to complain about things that anger me.
In many ways, Thanksgiving is the consummate American holiday, steeped in rich tradition. The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in the early 1600s. Legend has it that the Pilgrims and American Indians set aside their differences and shared a late autumn feast. The Injuns brought turkey. The Pilgrims brought corn. The Injuns called the corn “maize.” Everyone laughed, appreciating the humor of the cultural shock, much like the movie Coming to America. All was warm and fuzzy.
In subsequent years, the Pilgrims would plunder the Injuns’ land, infect them with exotic European diseases, rape their women, relocate them onto tiny reservations and destroy the pristine landscape of their home. Today, the land the Injuns once called home has been replaced by sprawling mini-malls anchored with Walmart and Starbucks locations. The few Injuns remaining were compensated with licenses to run casinos. As a white man, I realize that this is the price of progress.
Running in a marathon is a symptom of mental illness
posted: 10.11.09 at 11:30 PM
filed under: sports
Each year, thousands of developmentally-disabled individuals descend on downtown Chicago to compete in a grueling athletic competition requiring remarkable levels of strength and endurance.
I am referring to the Chicago Marathon.
More than 45,000 runners participated in today’s race. The marathon’s route begins downtown and took runners through the North Side, West Loop and South Side, past thousands of cheering spectators. The annual race, originally dubbed “Mayor Daley’s Marathon,” began in 1977. In subsequent years, the marathon grew into a massive autumn spectacle for fans and a contemptible nuisance for Chicago commuters.
Fortunately, the traffic congestion brought on by the marathon is no bother to me, as I have a developed a ritual for the Chicago Marathon. Each year, as thousands of runners take to the streets, I lock all of my doors and board my windows. Once all entrances to my apartment are secure, I crouch in a corner, nervously clutching my sawed-off shotgun.
LeBron James is a complete douchebag
posted: 07.12.09 at 10:00 PM
filed under: sports
“Do you know Bone Thugs-n-Harmony?”
I facetiously asked the question when Alisa, my newest coworker, explained that she grew up in an area between Cleveland and Akron, Ohio. The short white girl was neither thuggish nor ruggish, so her negative response did not surprise me.
I searched my mind for the name of another famous Ohio native.
“How about LeBron James?” I sarcastically inquired.
“Fuck LeBron James. Fuck Lebron James! He is a complete fucking prick,” Alisa feverishly exclaimed.
Farewell, Ben Gordon. Good luck with that, Detroit.
posted: 07.03.09 at 09:00 PM
filed under: sports
The Ben Gordon era in Chicago is officially over.
Wednesday, the free agent guard agreed to the terms of a contract with the Detroit Pistons. The soon-to-be-former Chicago Bull wasted no time in bolting out of town, agreeing to the deal less than 24 hours after the start of the NBA’s free agency period.
Gordon quickly became a fan favorite after being selected by the Bulls in the 2004 NBA Draft. His late-game heroics and incredible shooting ability propelled him to the honor of becoming the first rookie to receive the league’s Sixth Man of the Year Award. He was runner-up for Rookie of the Year honors, narrowly losing out to his college teammate Emeka Okafor.
Very few NBA players possess Gordon’s clutch scoring abilities. His skill is only rivaled by the likes of superstars such as Kobe Bryant and LeBron James. However, unlike these premiere players, Gordon is pathetically inept in virtually every other aspect of the game.
Farewell, Rex Grossman. Best wishes.
posted: 06.16.09 at 10:15 PM
filed under: sports
The Rex Grossman era in Chicago is officially over.
Many felt that the era had ended in April, when the Bears traded for Pro Bowl quarterback Jay Cutler. I was not convinced. There was no question that Cutler would take on the starting role. Coach Lovie Smith even indicated that Grossman didn’t factor into the team’s 2009 plans. Yet I believed that there was a slim possibility that the Bears might sign Grossman as a backup. After all, the team had showed unshaking confidence in Grossman since he was drafted in 2003.
Friday, the Houston Texans announced that they had signed Grossman to a one-year deal. Three quarterbacks are already on the team’s roster and Grossman will compete for the third-string job.
Steroids seem like a pretty good idea
posted: 05.12.09 at 09:30 PM
filed under: sports
Last week, Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for violation of Major League Baseball’s drug policy. Ramirez has tested positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (hGC,) a women’s fertility drug.
While hGC is commonly used to return a man’s testosterone levels to normal after finishing a cycle of steroids, Ramirez claimed that the drug had been prescribed to him by a physician. I fully believe his explanation. Clearly, Manny Ramirez is a man in need of fertile ovaries.
Retraction: Actually, I am glad that the Bulls made the playoffs.
posted: 05.03.09 at 11:00 PM
filed under: sports
I am seldom wrong about anything; when I am, it is notable.
Five weeks ago, I wrote that I had hoped the Chicago Bulls would miss the playoffs. I felt that a postseason appearance would give Bulls brass the false impression that the team was headed in the right direction, and that a potential playoff beat down would not be a valuable experience for the young team.
I was wrong, and I would like to retract my post from March 28.
Chicago’s Olympic bid is a bad idea
posted: 04.28.09 at 09:30 PM
filed under: chicago
I hope that Chicago is not selected to host the 2016 Olympic Games.
Recent polls suggest that the majority of Chicagoans are in favor of the city hosting the games. Most opposition to the games has to do with the use of taxpayer money to fund the event.
While I am not comfortable with the use of my money to fund the International spectacle, this is not my principal reason for objecting to the summer games coming to Chicago in 2016. I feel that the city is ill equipped to handle the games, potentially risking international embarrassment. Furthermore, I feel that the ambitious construction plans that will be undertake will have a devastating long-term effect on city residents.
:: God knows the United States doesn’t need any more international embarrassments.
Top ten reasons why I hate the Cubs, part II
posted: 04.21.09 at 11:30 PM
filed under: sports
Click here to view the view the first part of this list.
5. Wrigley Field
To Cubs fans, the Temple of Fail at Addison and Clark is a holy shrine. To me, it is a piss-soaked relic of a bygone era that should be razed immediately.
I first attended a Cubs game when I was about eight years old. Ironically, most distinct memories I have of that day are not about the game itself, but about the bathrooms. The men’s bathrooms at Wrigley do not feature urinals like a normal, modern facility. Instead, male Cubs fans must relieve themselves in a communal trough.
As I used the bathroom, the urine of the man next to me splashed on the steel trough onto me. I found this to be utterly disgusting, since I do not share any sexual fetishes with R. Kelly.
I have too much self respect to use a trough for any purpose, as I am not livestock.
Top ten reasons why I hate the Cubs, part I
posted: 04.20.09 at 10:00 PM
filed under: sports
Hate is such a strong word.
Many sports fans take very little discretion when using the word, to the point that the adjective has become trite. I love the Chicago Bulls, but I did not hate the “Bad Boys” Pistons teams of the late 80s and early 90s. As a Bears fan, I do not hate the Green Bay Packers many Chicagoans do; I simply dislike the cheeseheads. I do not hate the New York Yankees; I am merely indifferent toward the team.
When I use the word “hate” to describe how I feel about a team or a player, it is not hyperbole. And I truly hate the Chicago Cubs.
I am in the minority of Chicagoans; most claim to bleed “Cubbie Blue.” When I am asked why I hate the Cubs, I find it difficult to come up with a succinct response. There are so many reasons that it is difficult to provide a quick summary.
I have boiled down my reasons into a concise list of the top ten. By no means is this list comprehensive, but it will help you understand my distaste for the North Siders.
Without further ado, I am proud to present part one my list of the top ten reasons why I hate the Chicago Cubs.
