Archive for the ‘sucks’ tag

bokeen vs the Twitter pharmacists

Pharmacists are contemptible human beings.

I did not always detest pharmacists.  I used to view them as highly paid, socially inept individuals who simply dispensed medicine, and little more.  While I felt that their white lab coats are unnecessarily pretentious, I never took issue with these government-sanctioned pill pushers.

That changed on Sunday, June 7, 2009.

On that warm summer day, boqueen mentioned to me that she was out of birth control pills.  Birth control, or “baby killers,” as I like to refer to them, are an essential part of boqueen’s diet.  She likes to say that she is “staying not pregnant,” but I feel that this vastly understates the importance of the matter.  Fathering a child would be absolutely devastating to my lifestyle.

I do not want a helpless, dependant fecal factory with stumpy arms in my life.  I do not want to be burdened with the requirement of rocking, comforting or changing the diapers of a small, temperamental, light brown mammal while I watch a Bulls game or attempt to record a podcast.  I do not want the smell of infant excrement lingering in our dining room while I attempt to enjoy a meal that I prepared.  I certainly don’t want to be interrupted by the little bastard crying while I am performing oral sex on his mother.

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Decoded: “Seen ‘Black Swan’? Yes, I’m In It!” (Huffington Post)

boqueen and I recently saw "Black Swan" because, judging by the reaction on the Twitter, the movie was either a fetid, diseased pile of warm fecal matter or the single greatest piece of cinema since the invention of film.

My reaction to the film was somewhere in between those two extremes. While I found it enjoyable and entertaining, I did not find it to be some sort of transcendent experience.

That evening, I Googled "Black Swan" to read a few reviews of the film in a vain attempt to validate my own options.  One of the first posts that I came across was a piece from Huffington Post written by Tina Sloan.

Sloan is a geriatric actress who was cast in a very small role in "Black Swan." Her post, titled, "Seen ‘Black Swan’? Yes, I’m In It!" is easily one of the most pathetically pretentious and self-important collection of words ever compiled.

I have reprinted Sloan’s post below, in its entirety. The paragraphs in italics are the comments that Sloan carelessly omitted from the original piece, but go a long way long way to reinforcing the general theme of this awful post.

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Praise Jesus, 24 has been cancelled, part II

Previously on bokeen.com:  Season eight of 24 has been an absurd clusterfuck.  Fox decided to pull the plug on the show.  The terrorists have nuclear fuel rods.  Brian Hastings’ lower back hurts.  Cole Ortiz looked pretty while reading lines of dialog.  Renee Walker was officially declared a sexy creature.  Read part one for the full story. 

Dana Walsh (Katee Sackhoff) is a senior data analyst at CTU, a job that effectively amounts to “Lord of the Computer Geeks.”  Her preposterous and convoluted subplot has been a major part of season eight.

At the start of the season, viewers learn that Walsh is engaged to Cole Ortiz, and that she has an antagonistic relationship with Chloe O’Brian.  These innocuous beginnings soon gave way to the character’s increasingly ludicrous story arc. 

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Praise Jesus, 24 has been cancelled, part I

Jack Bauer’s days as the inimitable television terrorist hunter are numbered.

On Friday, Fox announced that action series 24 would not be renewed for a ninth season.  I was elated as I read Fox’s press release, despite the fact that I have often referred to the show as “The Finest Television Program in the History of the Known Universe.” 

Merely three months ago, I would have found this news devastating.  However, the quality of the show has dramatically dropped this season, making it clear that it is best for the 24 crew to call it quits.

The show chronicles the exploits of counterterrorist agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), a gritty, flawed and often reluctant hero repeatedly tasked with saving the world.  The first season centered on a plot to assassinate a presidential candidate, while subsequent seasons involved thwarting impending terrorist attacks. 

These diverse terrorist threats include, in chronological order: nuclear weapons, a weaponized mega-virus, nuclear weapons again, nerve gas, even more nuclear weapons, another weaponized mega-virus and, finally, nuclear weapons. 

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More things that I hate that everyone else seems to think are so fucking wonderful

If I were a positive person, I would not have anything to write about.

Fortunately, I am an irritable malcontent, which enables me to churn out thousands of words each week.

Last summer, I decided to write a list of things that I despise.  I soon realized that such a list would be incredibly expansive, as there are very few things that I actually find enjoyable; notable examples include sex, drugs, rock & roll and rainbows.

To pare the list down to a more manageable size, I focused on areas where my opinion is at odds with conventional wisdom.  The final list was titled Things that I hate that everyone else seems to think are so fucking wonderful.  The list was far from comprehensive, so I proudly present the second installment in what will likely become a lengthy series.

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Farewell, Winter Olympics. I hate you and I hope that you never come back.

The Winter Olympics ended last night, and I am pleased that the asinine spectacle finally came to a close.

I am sure that millions of people tuned in to the closing ceremonies to watch the elaborate parade of athletes with funny European names smiling and waving.  I imagine that silly national anthems were played, and that Bob Costas said very positive things.  I assume that a torch was involved and that viewers felt a heartwarming sense of national pride.

The extravagant pageantry of the closing ceremonies is thoroughly uninteresting to me.   In fact, I despise the Winter Olympics as a whole. 

I can relate more to the summer games, since I have actually participated in many of the summer sports.  The sports in the Summer Olympics are simply more accessible.  If I want to play basketball, I can purchase a ball and a pair of sneakers and go to a nearby schoolyard.  A desire to run 400 meters could be quenched by stepping outdoors, after phoning the British Empire to determine how far 400 meters is.

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I hate when children act all growed up, part II

This is part two of my rant about the deplorable behavior of disease-carrying proto-humans, which you might refer to as “children.” Click here to read part one.

Immediately after finishing work, I hurry to the local grocery store.  It is important that I finish my shopping trip as quickly as possible.  I have a small window of time to purchase a few items and return home, as parking spots in my neighborhood are very difficult to find after about 6 p.m.

As a man, I am completely inept in the art of grocery shopping.  Instead of coordinating large shopping trips, I buy individual items as needed, making several trips to the store each week.

My shopping list is quite short and comprised primarily of liquids which are a staple of my kitchen: white wine for boqueen, beer for my alcohol fix and Coca-Cola for my caffeine fix.   I also need portabella mushrooms, corn syrup and Brillo pads. 

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I hate when children act all growed up, part I

I hate children.

I like to consider myself an equal-opportunity child hater.  I hate white children, black children, light children and fat children.  I hate Mexican children, Aztecan children, Asian children and Haitian children.  I hate infants, toddlers, adolescents and those who are pubescent.

Children have an adverse effect on my quality of life.  These proto-humans are ill-equipped to make a positive contribution to society, on account of their squeaky voices and stumpy limbs. 

I make an exception for my nieces and nephew.  Lil bokeen and his siblings are model citizens, the Future of America.  However, their peers are worthless, whiny shitbags that need to die immediately. 

To me, children are utterly repulsive creatures when they are engaging in their normal, daily activities, such as watching Spongebob Squarepants or arranging an illicit sexual rendezvous with an adult using the Interwebs.  When children attempt to engage in adult activities, they become reprehensible little characters worthy of the CIA’s most harsh torture tactics.

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I’m not with Coco: The state of late night television

I am not a fan of Conan O’Brien.

Surely, my opinion will prove to be unpopular in light of the popular “I’m with Coco” social media campaign.  I will concede that Conan is one of the more talented individuals in the late night talk show business. 

However, since Conan’s field is a wretched morass, virtually devoid of discernable talent, this a backhanded compliment at best.  In many ways, the title of “Most Talented Late Night Talk Show Host” is akin to “World’s Tallest Midget,” “Most Honest Politician,” or “Most Celibate Catholic Priest.” 

For over two weeks, the Interwebs and old fashioned media outlets have been atwitter with news and commentary about the impending shake up of NBC’s late night lineup.  I found the contractual ménage à trios between Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien and NBC Universal President Jeff Zucker incredibly compelling.  In fact, I have changed my browser’s start page to TMZ.com, and I click “refresh” between nine and 215 times each day, eagerly anticipating the next twist in this amazing storyline.  My carpal tunnel is acting up. 

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Angry Letters, part III: My beef with your angus

I prefer to buy groceries that do not suck.

The third entry to my series of angry letters was sparked by incredibly disappointing purchases made at Jewels, an overpriced supermarket chain in the Midwest.  After two meals were ruined, I was seething with anger and decided to write about my experiences.

This message was emailed to Craig Herkert, Chief Operating Officers of SuperValu, the parent company that owns Jewels.  As always, in the unlikely event that Mr. Herkert responds, I will post his response. 

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