This bit of news was easy to miss, between coverage of health care reform, the NCAA Final Four and the release of Clash of the Titans in 3D. Fortunately, a small number of technology-related sites exist on the Interwebs, providing sparse coverage of the event.

As a card-carrying geek, part of me lusts for the iPad. I have spent many nights in front of my laptop, clutching my credit card while resisting the overwhelming temptation to preorder the device. I have found myself unable to justify spending $500 or more an iPad, as it lacks a key functionality that has topped my technology wish list for over a decade: I want a device that will replace a pen and a paper forever.

When Apple unveiled the device in January, critical reaction was predictably polarized. Apple zealots proclaimed that the iPad is the most significant tablet since Moses received the rocks that the Ten Commandments were carved on. Skeptical bloggers, "haters," if you will, bemoaned the shortcomings of the device, predicting that the lack of a webcam and USB ports would make the iPad a spectacular flop.

Of course, this commentary was all speculative. At the time, few had actually used the iPad, spare Steve Jobs, Apple engineers and a few high-ranking Freemasons.

Now that the iPad has hit the streets, the commentary has become far more insightful. Most reviewers agree that the iPad is not a mystical device handed down by God himself, nor is it an overpriced, underpowered computer destined for commerical failure. The truth lies somewhere in between, though most reviews have been incredibly positive.

The success of any new computing platform is, in large part, dependent upon the quality and selection of software. Anyone who purchased a Sega CD and a copy of Night Trap would undoubtedly agree.

While the iPad hardware offers Apple’s signature blend of understated styling and legendary usability, software must leverage the hardware to deliver an experience beyond simply using an overgrown iPhone.

Early indications are that many iPad developers have succeeded in this task. Many applications are downright snazzy, effectively making use of the device’s generous screen. Apple has done their part as well, introducing new conventions for displaying information and user interaction that were not possible in the constraints of the iPhone’s small screen. The platform even has a "killer app" at its launch, which enables Netflix users to stream high-definition movies to their iPads.

My dream of using the iPad to replace a pen and a pad may sound like a fanciful wish. It would take an ambitious device from an ambitious company to meet my needs. While the iPad is both, I would still be stuck with my godforsaken pads of paper if I bought an iPad.

I am fortunate to have a job that is highly portable, thanks to technology. For me, the tools of the trade are a laptop with a connection to the Interwebs, a cell phone and a pad of paper. Regardless of whether I am working at my office, from home, in a coffee shop or a Swedish bath house, the ubiquitous pad of paper is always at arm’s reach for jotting down ideas or notes.

While there are few ways to truly improve on a pen and a pad, my reliance on such ancient technology can quickly become inefficient and difficult to manage. Using the final page of a notepad is always gratifying experience, as starting a fresh notepad brings me a mundane sensation of delight. However, I cannot dispose of the old notepad, as it contains valuable information. As a result, my laptop bag typically contains three or more old notepads, the oldest of which are well-worn and ragged.

Whenever I need to refer to a note that is several weeks old, I must flip through dozens of pages in multiple pads, in hopes of stumbling across the note that I am searching for. Every few weeks I am saddled with the arduous task of sorting through my old notes, discarding pages that are no longer needed.

If I am inspiration strikes while I am on the go, I will jot a quick note one whatever surface is available. I have tried to carry a Moleskine notepad with me wherever I go, but the small book is easy to forget. As a result, I jot notes on napkins, business cards or a cardboard panel from my pack of cigarettes. These mobile notes get shoved into one of my notepads, adding to the jumbled pile of papers that I lug around every day.

In introducing the iPad, Jobs championed it as a mythical “third device,” filling a gap between the smartphone and a full-sized computer. While my notepads are decidedly lo-tech, they currently bridge the gap between my BlackBerry and my laptop.

My BlackBerry is invaluable when ideas are in their formative stages. I routinely bounce ideas off of boqueen using text messages, or perform quick Google searches to find facts to corroborate the points I make in my rants. Mobile Twitter client ÜberTwitter allows me to keep my finger on the pulse of the Interwebs, monitoring trending topics so that I can procrastinate for several weeks, then write about them when they are marginally relevant.

As ideas come to fruition, they inevitably graduate to a notepad, then to my laptop. A pen and pad are ideal for sketching up ideas or jotting down a short joke. Eventually, I must turn to my laptop to flesh out the finished product, whether it is a blog post or a proposal for work.

Each of these tools is perfectly suited for their designated task, though ill-equipped to fill the role of another. The full-sized keyboard on my laptop is perfect for writing long-form blog posts, but the computer is far too bulky and cumbersome for quick note-taking. Paper serves as a canvas for free-form sketches or notes, but I refrain from doing actual composition on paper, as I eventually have to transcribe my work onto my computer. Also, my notepads lack Interweb connectivity.

Figure 1: My hand after several hours of typing on my BlackBerry.

My BlackBerry is ideal for exchanging messages or quick Interweb browsing sessions, but little more. Occasionally, I might type quick notes into my phone, but using the tiny keyboard for long-form writing is not practical. In fact, I typed the first 600 words of this post on my BlackBerry while riding the subway over the weekend. My right hand is still throbbing in pain, ravaged by carpal tunnel syndrome.

In the perfect world, the iPad would completely replace paper, potentially making me more productive. Certainly, I could use the iPad’s Notes application for note-taking, but this would require me to use the device’s on-screen keyboard. I find typing to be a highly inefficient means of taking notes, as scrawling notes or sketches with a pen with a pen feels more natural. In fact, I often have a second laptop on my desk while working, yet I still prefer my notepads for note-taking.

Furthermore, my dainty Irish digits are simply incompatible with touch screen keyboards. I have attempted to type on a variety, ranging from the iPhone and BlackBerry Storm to tablet PCs and touch-sensitive computer monitors. Despite the fact that I have dainty Irish fingers, the results are always a chaotic jumble of characters. I attribute this to personal preference, though it is more likely due to a lack of dexterity.

I would love to be able to write letters on an iPad using a stylus. Opportunistic accessory makers will surely release pen-like input devices for the iPad, but using these will be completely impractical. The iPad is unable to distinguish between a stylus and the touch of one’s palm. A user would be unable to rest their hand on the device while writing, forcing their hand into an awkward writing position.

For the best possible user experience, stylus input would have to be supported on the hardware level rather than through the use of cheap third-party accessories. Ideally, the iPad would allow the user to toggle between touch and stylus input, to prevent errant input while using the stylus. Of course, the stylus would have to tuck away neatly into the case of the device to prevent it from being lost.

Apple understandably shied away from stylus input for the iPad platform. The rampant success of the iPhone proved that consumers enjoy the touch screen experience. The market has spoken, and users love fingering their electronics.

In an era of electronics with touch screen, devices with stylus input also carry a certain stigma. Flimsy plastic pens evoke images of geeks pecking away at their Palm Pilot during the tail end of the grunge era. Even in more recent years, the stylus became emblematic of a cumbersome method of user input. I remember chuckling as a coworker pecked away at a Treo smartphone with a stylus to dial a phone number. At the time, I felt superior with my Motorola RAZR and its physical buttons.

The inclusion of a stylus is at odds with the hip, minimalistic, latte-sipping, Prius-driving inspirational image that Apple strives for. Yet the stylus is a perfect alternative input method for the iPad. Unlike the iPhone, the device’s screen ample real estate for writing or drawing. Moreover, the device is called the “iPad,” and would seem to be destined to have a corresponding “iPen.”

Surely, Apple could make the iPen a hip accessory. Apple’s industrial designers could perform extensive research in order to craft a stylus that offers the proper combination of size and weight to simulate the experience of using a pen. The iPen could tuck neatly into the frame of the iPad without interfering with the device’s sleek lines. It could be available in a variety of colors in order to maximize aftermarket accessory sales. Perhaps Apple could incorporate unique and innovative technology into the iPen, such as a Bluetooth radio that prevented the alerted the user when the iPen and iPad fell out of range, preventing the stylus from being left behind.

In my utopian vision of the iPad, stylus input would have to be supported by handwriting recognition. I would be able to use the pen as an alternative to the on-screen keyboard across the platform, whether I was using Safari for web browsing, TweetDeck for updating my Twitter status, or the Facebook application for stalking acquaintances. Most importantly, I would be able to use the stylus in the Notes application or a word processor for jotting down notes.

The Apple Newton: Awesome device, awesomer failure.

Apple has already posseses the technology for handwriting recognition, which was originally developed for the ill-fated Newton, the precursor to modern PDAs. Today, the technology has been folded into the OS X operating system as Inkwell, which allows handwriting recognition for external graphics tablet. Inkwell performs absolutely incredibly, discerning individual characters even in my chaotic handwriting.  

The ability to use the iPad in this fashion would enable me to write in virtually any environment. The iPad could function as a convenient alternative to my bulky laptop. I could write in situations where I am normally unwilling to break out my laptop, such as on the train or while sitting on the bowl. I might even be able to write a few hundred words in bed before my mid-afternoon nap. This would certainly be a boon for my productivity.

Let’s face it: as a reader of this website, the prospect of me writing more words on a weekly basis is utterly titillating.

From all that I can gather without actually purchasing the device or wading in the mosh pit of Apple fanboys at the local Apple Store, the iPad has the potential to be a revolutionary device. The reviews that I have read have ranged from positive to glowing and early sales figures are impressive. Apple successfully defined a new category of device that consumers did not realize they wanted at the start of the year. Today, those same consumers are frothing at the mouth and willing to stab your grandmother with a rusty shank for their chance to touch an iPad.

Cool! Tetris is now available on the Kindle!

The iPad in an incredibly capable device that allows users to browse the web, send and receive emails, rent and watch movies, find driving directions, play games, chop julienne fries, and much more. It is also an extraordinary reading device. If I owned an Amazon Kindle, I would feel buyer’s remorse. Comparing the iPad to a Kindle is akin to comparing a Playstation 3 to the original Game Boy. The highly touted Kindle now seems like a shitty, antiquated relic of a bygone era.

Magazine and newspaper publishers have been quick to realize this, placing their bets on the iPad as the savior of the printed word. Many had applications readied for the iPad’s launch on Saturday, and additional applications that replace print media will surely emerge in the coming months.

Hippies can rejoice that the iPad is a device that is positioned to save trees. If Steve Jobs has his way, each day, millions of Americans will trot to the bathroom with an iPad tucked under their arm rather than a magazine or newspaper. Granted, such behavior does not promote a sanitary workplace and may contribute to the spread of disease, but it will help to save the rainforests or something.

I find it somewhat curious that the iPad is designed primarily with content consumption in mind, yet offers few tools for content creators. After all, the company spent years catering to creative professionals, only recently switching focus to electronics with mass-market appeal. Scores of graphic designers will fondly recall their first experiences with a Mac, or when they finally saved up enough money for a grossly overpriced machine.

While a variety of applications enable content creation, such as basic word processing or drawing, these tools are best suited for basic tasked. The iPad’s touch-based input is quite appealing, but I cannot envision myself writing a 2,000 word blog post with my finger. I like to pretend that I am an actual adult, and finger-painting is for children.

If the iPod allowed me to write naturally, replacing my pens and notepads, I would consider it a must-have device.

Until then, I refuse to plunk down $500 or more for the joy of fingering a sexy portable computer.

Of course you haven’t, because you aren’t as plugged in as me.  I am always aware of the latest trends on the Interwebs, because I am a social media expert and a bona fide SEM, SEO and web 2.0 marketing professional.  It says so in my Twitter profile.

Chatroulette allows you to strike up a video chat with random strangers.  Clicking “Play” puts you in touch with one the site’s hundreds of thousands of users.  If you do not like what you see, you can click the “Next” button to find a new chat partner.

To refer to Chatroulette merely as a “social networking website” is an understatement.  It is a social networking tour de force that opens a window to the world of the morose individuals that live on the Interwebs.

Armed with my webcam and a fifth of Captain Morgan, I decided to explore the Chatroulette experience.  After several hours of repeatedly clicking the “Next” button, I developed a strong understanding of the Chatroulette audience makeup.  Also, I got shit-faced drunk in the process.

 I would like to share my findings with you in the form of this spectacular gallery of screenshots.

 
 

Cracker-ass crackers
The vast majority of Chatroulette users are young, white males that troll the site in hopes of coaxing a female chat participant into flashing her breasts.  In many ways, Chatroulette is like Mardi Gras, without the music, beads and, tits.

I was a bit disappointed to discover that nine out of ten users are white males, as they are terribly boring people.  There are few interesting topics to discuss my fellow white males.  We could have discussed the advantages of living a life of privilege, chatted about the rewards of living in a world run by our own kind, or compared our favorite methods for oppressing women, minorities and handicapped people.   However, these white males are in full trolling mode, in pursuit of the elusive Interwebs booby, so we did not have the opportunity to discuss such cracker-ass topics. 

 

“Show me your tits” signs
Some Chatroulette users cannot be bothered with actually convincing females to disrobe, as this is an incredibly taxing endeavor.  These users elect to display a sign that invites women to brandish their breasts.

This tactic seems incredibly lazy, and I suspect that this method of trolling has a particularly low conversion rate.  However, some of the signs show a high level of creativity.

This sign invites women with small breasts to showcase their limitations.  I appreciate the psychological aspect of this sign.  The sign owner clearly hopes to leverage a small-breasted woman’s lack of self confidence.  Little Miss A-Cup might experience a moment of weakness, hoping that another adult human could appreciate her sickly figure.  She would experience a brief rush while she displayed her boy nipples, and the owner of the sign would be recipient of pathetic gratification.

The sign is devilishly manipulative.

I saw dozens of signs on Chatroulette, but this one had the most potential to be highly effective.  I do not understand how flashing one’s mammary glands can contribute to the Haitian relief effort, but it is a small thing to ask.  Any woman that would refuse to show her tits to help Haiti is a bad person.

Foreigners
I often forget that the Interwebs reach users across the globe, and I am inevitably shocked when I encounter a user that does not speak fluent English.  When this happens, I will often yell, “This is America, speak English or go home!”

This strategy is quite ineffective, as most users of the Interwebs are already in their homes.

The androgynous humanoid above began speaking to me in French.  I responded by speaking in faux Italian like a mustachioed Peter Griffin. 

“Bonjour. Où habitez-vous?” the creature asked.

“Scoozy, bobba di boopy?” I replied.

“Dans quel pays vivez-vous?” it responded.

“Bobbada boopy. Beepbada boobada babbada babbada,” I retorted.

This exchange continued for four minutes before I lost interest and clicked “next” to find another curious individual to engage.

Eventually, I encountered another foreigner.  Unlike the aforementioned sexless mammal, this man was far less impressed by my command of romance languages.  His voice was quiet yet forceful and he spoke in German.

After about a minute, he clearly became frustrated.  While I believe that he was cursing, I am not certain, because all German phrases sound incredibly dirty to me.  German is not a sexy language; it is a language of oppression and abuse.

Masturbators
Many Chatroulette users are men seeking to demonstrate their masturbation skills.  The number of exposed penises on Chatroulette varies depending upon the time of day.  Late in night, approximately five percent of users are choking the proverbial chicken.

I have never found images of people masturbating compelling or titillating.  Granted, I am a heterosexual male, so I am somewhat repulsed by the sight of penises, other than the glorious tube of meat that lives in my own pants.  Yet I would not be excited if I found a live video of a woman furiously massaging her clitoris.  It would not arouse me at all, unless she was squirting.  Watching broads blast liquid out of their lower fuck organ gives me a hearty erection. 

Creepers
Some of the men on Chatroulette are not content with taking the approach of the aforementioned crackers or sign owners.  Their trolling ability transcends that of mere mortals, and they treat the site as if it were an audition for To Catch a Predator.

The man pictured above did not say a word.  When our chat session began, he stared longingly into his webcam as if to say, “Come to my van, I have candy.”  He continued to sit nearly motionless, and I was briefly convinced that his video feed was frozen until I saw him blink. 

He stared at me for several minutes, his eyes conveying a simple message: “Whip out your penis and start cranking it.  Come on, this is Chatroulette.  Everybody does it.” 

Instead of a frightening glare, this man offers a shot of his sagging, pierced nipples.  This user’s strategy is rather unique. I am sure that is an extremely successful method for enticing chat participants to meet him in a tool shed located in a remote wooded area to play a game called “Get sodomized then die.”

 

Spiderman, et al
Occasionally, I encountered users wearing masks.  After finding dozens of videos of college-aged boys and dicks being stroked, this was particularly jarring.  In each case, the masked user refused to speak, instead preferring to communicate by typing into the text chat.

The Interwebs offer quite a bit of anonymity, so donning a mask for a Chatroulette session seemed like a bit of overkill.  I assumed that these were prominent individuals who would be instantly recognizable without the masks.  In my mind, the man wearing the Transformers mask was actually Barack Obama, while the man in the zombie mask was Nicolas Cage.

The masks immediately reminded me of Halloween, so I offered to send each of the users a piece of candy if they would type “trick or treat.”  Both complied, so early today I sent two Snickers bar via FedEx.  One was sent to an address in Hollywood Hills, while the other was sent to a “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.” 

I hope that my newfound friends write back.  If they do, I will totally show them my penis the next time that I see them on Chatroulette. 

 

Females
During my exploration of Chatroulette, I occasionally encountered a bona fide female member of my species, though this occurred quite rarely.  I would estimate that less than one percent of Chatroulette members are women.

These women seemed committed to using Chatroulette for its stated purpose – having actual conversations with strangers.  Unfortunately, after several hours of using the site, I had been conditioned to behave like many of the site’s users.  The moment a female face appeared on my screen, I pulled my pants down and began furiously wagging my flaccid penis at my webcam as I shouted, “Show me your tits!” 

The women were not impressed by my elaborate mating dance and quickly disconnected the chat sessions.

::

My experience using Chatroulette was somewhat enjoyable, though I quickly lost interest in the site.  The concept of video chats with random strangers seems marginally novel, but Chatroulette actually serves up a great deal of disturbing seriously imagery.   Low resolution videos of penises and masked men now haunt my dreams.

However, if you are a fan of jacking it on camera, you should definitely check out Chatroulette. 

::

There are other glorious galleries of Chatroulette screenshots on the Interwebs. BuzzFeed offers not one, but two seperate collections, and ChatrtScreenshots.com is a small blog dedicated to this modern art form. Use Lycos or HotBot to find more.

This is truly a reflection of the sad state of the world today.  Social network provides a tidy and convenient forum for managing our relationships, without the hassle of face-to-face contact. 

Interpersonal interaction is now comprised sending virtual gifts, inviting friends to play Farmville and writing on one another’s wall.  These have replaced traditional, wholesome activities, such as going out for coffee, playing a rousing match of checkers or receiving a handjob in a 1992 Geo Metro while parked outside of a Denny’s at three in the morning. 

Statistics show that the average American teenager spends between five and 1,148 hours using The Book of Face each week.  The typical user of The Book of Face has hundreds of virtual friends and is a member of dozens of groups.  Since users devote enormous amounts of time toward cultivating their online persona, they are deeply invested in the site.

The Book of Face is an expansive and impressive software application, and the developers of The Book of Face routinely roll out changes to the site.  Inevitably, these changes cause some users to lose their fucking minds.

Within the past few weeks, significant changes have been made to the site’s interface.  The icons for notifications, new emails and friend requests were consolidated and moved to the top left corner of the screen.  The “News Feed” remained unchanged, but a series of links, such as “Messages,” “Events,” and “Photos” were added to the left side of the page, functioning as filters for the content of the home page. Links to the user’s profile and account setting made more prominent.

Users were notified of the changes as soon as they happened.  A bright box appeared on each user’s home page, outlining the changes and providing a link to detailed support documentation. 

Considerable interface tweaks were made to the site, but I was not bothered by the enhancements.  My daily activities on The Book of Face were briefly hindered. I soon grew accustomed to the new interface and nearly forgot that changes had been made.  However, my friends’ incessant bitching and ceaseless complaints provided a continual reminder that the developers of The Book of Face had, in fact, made changes to the site.  Those contemptible bastards.

“I hate when FB makes changes I am lost,” one user remarked.

“FUck facebook i cant use it anymore,” another user responded, without a tinge of irony.

boqueen found a note from her mother posted on her wall, explaining that she could no longer find her inbox, which has evaporated into the ether.

Then, the group invitations began to appear.

I was invited to the group “CHANGE FACEBOOK BACK TO NORMAL!!” which was clearly organized by an individual who is unfamiliar with the proper use of the caps lock key.  Days later, multiple invites to a group called “We Hate The New Facebook, so STOP CHANGING IT!!!” rolled in. 

A Mexican invited me to the group “COMO PONER EL FACEBOOK DE ANTES (APLICACION).”  Judging by the image that represents the group, I believe that this is a well-organized group of Mexicans that prefer the older version of the software.  Next, I was asked to join “1,000,000 AGAINST THE NEW FACEBOOK LOOK,” a group which, at the time, had less than 600,000 members. 

Each of these groups is connected by a common theme: they all represent individuals who believe, “Change bad. Old Book of Face good.” In addition, the organizers of each of the groups struggle with the use of capitalization and punctuation. 

The most notable of these groups is the uniquely-named “We Hate The New Facebook, So STOP CHANGING IT. 20,000,000 Users Required to Change Facebook.”  The group was organized by Khan and Shahid Afridi, who are presumably a formidable tag-team of terrorist brothers. 

“Stop changing The Book of Face. Also, death to America.”

The group is described as a “petition to tell the Facebook designers to stop making major changes [to] the interface and leave it alone.” 

::

The group’s page includes a list of 20 grievances with the site, submitted by group members.  This is reminiscent of when Martin Luther nailed his Ninety-five Theses to a church door in Germany, which served as the catalyst for the Protestant movement. 

“It seems kind of ‘big’ or something? Like for children,” Monica from Australia complained, forcing me to refrain from making a dick joke. 

“The fact that we can’t reorganize our immediate profiles,” an anonymous user incoherently remarked, without explaining what criteria makes a profile “immediate.”   

“For those with larger computer screens (I have a 20 inch screen), the site looks too empty on both the sides of the left justified content,” another user commented, illustrating a fundamental misunderstanding of the challenges of designing for the Interwebs.

“The new facebook eats bumper stickers!!” remarked Jessica from New York, who failed to note that the site also eats brains, much like a zombie. 

“It does not support old windows 98 systems,” noted Diane from Nova Scotia, who promptly returned to her brontosaurus at Mr. Slate’s quarry.

::

While I find the infantile complaints about the site entertaining, I am most intrigued by the title of the group itself.  For some reason, the Afridi brothers believe that a critical mass of 20 million users would compel the folks behind The Book of Face to revert the changes that have been made to the site.

20 million might sound like a large number of users, until it is compared to the size of The Book of Face as a whole.  Currently, more than 400 million users have accounts on the site.  The group’s goal of 20 million users represents merely five percent of users of The Book of Face.

Five percent is an insignificant number.  Organizations simply do not change their behavior based upon the feedback of five percent of members.

In comparison, Spanish is the primary language of over 28 million people, according to the 2000 census.  At the time, Spanish speakers comprised over 12 percent of the population.  Yet most signs produced by state and the federal government are not in English and Mexican. 

Likewise, approximately 20 percent of Americans are smokers.  Despite this large number, it is illegal to smoke cigarettes in virtually any public venue.

In addition, more than 20 percent of the American population is of German descent, but Jewish-Americans lead a persecution-free lifestyle, without having their skin carved up to become lampshades. 

This is the way the world works.  Rules are not bended to accommodate the needs of tiny minority, unless the minority is handicapped.  If you are handicapped, we will dozens of create parking spaces that you will never use.  Otherwise, we collectively do not give a shit about 20 percent of the population, let alone five percent.

Unfortunately, the “We Hate The New Facebook, So STOP CHANGING IT. 20,000,000 Users Required to Change Facebook” group does not claim 20 million users.  In fact, slightly more than half a million users are members of the group.   This represents far less than one percent of The Book of Face users and a pathetic attempt at organizing a social networking movement. 

In other words, Mormons in America are a larger minority than “STOP CHANGING IT” users.  It is more likely that the federal government will officially recognize and celebrate the beliefs of Mormons that it is that the developers behind of The Book of Face will revert the recent changes.  This fact is particularly striking because Mormonism is far more ridiculous than regular, unleaded Christianity. 

::

Those who whine about the changes made to the site must recognize that The Book of Face is, first and foremost, a business.  The company’s primary goal is to turn a profit, and the site’s main source of revenue advertising.  Each change made to the site is a carefully calculated measure to increase “conversion rates” – the percentage of users that click on advertisements on the site.

Surely, the site’s developer and designers also consider the impact that changes will have on the usability of the site, in hopes of creating a more engaging experience of the users.  Nevertheless, efforts to increase user engagement have a clear business driver: to compel more users to click on advertisements, depositing more cash in the company’s coffers.  It is implausible that the company would undo changes that could potentially lead to additional revenue, unless those changes proved to have a negative impact on the company’s bottom line. 

In making these changes, the designers of the site must maintain a precarious balance between exposing more users to advertising and becoming blatantly commercial.  This design mistake was made by the company’s once-formidable competitor, the Space of My.  MySpace.com quickly evolved into looking like a sprawling advertising site, with social networking features sprinkled in as an afterthought. 

In its heyday, nearly 50 million users owned MySpace accounts.  Aggressive advertising alienated many users, causing them to abandon the site.  As a result, between eight and 12 unique users now visit the site each day.

The Book of Face has carefully avoided the same pitfalls by enhancing, but not interrupting, the user experience.  While advertising plays a prominent role on the site, the site is far from becoming the flashy, garish temple to consumerism that MySpace evolved into. 

Furthermore, the developers of The Book of Face have shown that they are not content with resting on their laurels.  The site is already a truly impressive web application, interpreting massive amounts of user data to provide a personalized experience. 

At times, I am mesmerized with The Book of Face’s capabilities.  The software is smart enough to recognize that I am interested in reading posts by boqueen and my coworkers, yet the site filters out data from the smelly kid from fifth grade and the wigger kid from gym class freshman year.

Yet the folks behind The Book of Face are not content with these remarkable data mining capabilities.  They continue to deploy new features and functionality and tweak the user interface.  This reflects another lesson learned from the follies of the company’s former rival.  Under the tutelage of famed antichrist Rupert Murdoch, MySpace focused on generating revenue and neglected the product itself.  This shift in focus was premature for the startup.  The software stagnated, causing even more users to become disenchanted and flee the site. 

Again, The Book of Face avoided these same mistakes. 

The millions of disgruntled users that join the groups protesting the changes made to The Book of Face should be thankful that the company has maintained a progressive business model.  The company continues to pay attention to its product and carefully implements enhancements.  Company leadership has not lost sight of what makes their software engaging and entertaining, despite the demands of running a profitable business.  Users should be thankful for this.

I fail to understand why members of these groups are so incredibly passionate about their grievances.  Ultimately, changes to The Book of Face have no impact on one’s livelihood.  The site is little more than a recreational endeavor, and only a tiny share of users find a way to generate a profit from the site.  If an ill-advised interface change is applied to the site, millions of users must relearn their web surfing behaviors, but no one’s children will be starving.

::

My intention is not to devalue well-organized social media campaigns; in the right circumstances, they can be highly effective.  Last year, The Book of Face instituted a new privacy policy which would potentially make more user information public.  The company eventually relented from their gestapo tactics in the face of an uproar by users.

However, the “STOP CHANGING IT” campaign fails to provide compelling, rational arguments that support their cause. 

In a previous life, I was an Interwebs designer, so I feel that I write from a position of authority on this topic: designers hate ambiguous criticism.  It is the bane of their existence.  It makes them want to listen to emo music and take up self mutilation.

The organized masses of disgruntled users offer criticism such as “it seems kind of ‘big’ or something,” or the infuriatingly nondescript “the site looks too empty.”  These comments are not constructive.  They provide the designer with no guidance whatsoever. 

In comparison, this sort of criticism is akin to me emailing Steve Jobs to explain that the iPhone “is either too heavy or too light to carry in my pocket or backpack or something or elsewhere.” If I were to do that, Jobs would charter a jet to my front lawn, and then proceed to forcibly sodomize me with a prototype model of the iPad.  There’s an app for that, and I would deserve it.

If one is so adamant about their hatred for a web site, he or she should also be able to summon enough brainpower to craft detailed, constructive criticism.

I implore the “STOP CHANGING IT” users to use the site’s suggestion system to submit feedback, rather than mindlessly complaining in a group forum.  Instead of expressing your fear of change, offer workable suggestions for better solutions.  Provide detailed guidance, not irrational objections.

Failing that, these users must recognize that The Book of Face is a form of entertainment that is provided free of charge. They must realize changes to the site are of little consequence to one’s life outside of a virtual world.

Then, they must get a fucking life. 

I have recently been experiencing problems with my laptop.  The warm weather has a devastating effect on the machine.  After several hours of summertime use, it performs incredibly slowly. 

Each time this has happen, the machine becomes astonishingly hot.  Naturally, I assumed that there was a correlation between the scalding surface of the computer and its poor performance.

The problem was a minor nuisance until earlier this week, when my computer failed miserably in front of a client that I do freelance work for.  I was absolutely outraged.

Prior to contacting Dell’s customer support department about the issue, I consumed a baker’s dozen beer in order to keep the conversation entertaining.

:: 

Session Started with Agent (ALGb_Louie June_191940)

Louie: Hi! Thank you for using Dell Chat for Small and Medium Business. My name is Louie, how may I help you today?

bokeen: Hey Louie.

bokeen: I’ve been waiting for an hour

bokeen: That was fucking rad.

bokeen: Anyway…

bokeen: I think my laptop is overheating.

bokeen: But I might be wrong.

bokeen: Is there any way to monitor my CPU temperature?

Louie: I see, I will do my best to assist you. May I have your phone number as well as your first and last name?

bokeen: We just met.

bokeen: Buy me a drink first.

bokeen: LOL!

bokeen: bokeen, 312-588-2300.

Louie: Thank you for all the information. Let me just pull up your records first.

bokeen: I have a long record…my childhood was both rough and tumble.

Louie: Just to make sure that we are working with the correct system, I see here that the computer you are having problems with is XPS Studio 16. Is that correct?

bokeen: Yep.

Louie: okay for your question if there is a way to monitor your cpu temperature, yes, but you will need to install a 3rd party software or application to do that. you can search it through google since i have no information regarding the specific application.

bokeen: You can’t recommend a specific piece of software?

bokeen: Really?

Louie: now for the issue regarding overheating, may i know exactly is the error if theres any

bokeen: Yes, there is an error:

Louie: waht is the error?

bokeen: When it is hot outside and my computer has been running for a few hours, it gets really fucking slow.

bokeen: And I have to reboot and it still runs like shit.

bokeen: And since it is a laptop, I sometimes have the computer in my lap when I work. However, the computer gets so hot that it sears my ball hairs.

Louie: i mean do you see any error messages or notification?

bokeen: Oh, no.

bokeen: It just runs like dog shit.

Louie: then this is not an overheating issue.

Louie: if the system has a heat issue it will automatically turn off or shutdown to prevent further damage to the processor

bokeen: Okay, then why does the issue only occur when the computer is warm enough to light a cigarette off of the chassis?

Louie: since the system is just running slow this is only a software related issue

bokeen: How dare you blame my epic porn collection!

bokeen: LOL.

Louie: if your using the laptop for several hours it is normal that the bottom part will turn hot

bokeen: I understand that.

Louie: so basically you dont need to worry about overheating problem.

bokeen: But it is summertime in Chicago now and the computer gets too hot to handle. Like molten lava. That has been microwaved. And sitting on the surface of the sun. For hours.

bokeen: I could injure myself!

bokeen: Then, I would have to sue Dell.

bokeen: I’d get a bunch of folks together, and we would do some class-action shit.

bokeen: Dell would be forced to hand over millions. They would inevitably cut back staff after such a loss. You’d be out of a job, Louie.

bokeen: Neither of us want that.

Louie: slow performances can be caused by running multiple programs in the background. windows file corruption. virus, spyware, malware to name a few

bokeen: The shit happens after a fresh reboot.

bokeen: And spyware/malware is not a problem.

bokeen: I dont’t install shit unless it is blessed by the Pope himself. I’ve been doing this computer thing for a while, kid.

bokeen: So I guess my question is: “How do I prevent my laptop from getting so hot that it scalds my testicles, rendering me unable to have children and carry The Seed on to the next generation?”

bokeen: This is important…on my father’s side, I have no cousins. Plus, my lone sibling is my sister. My family name MUST live on.

Louie: okay thanks for all thosse information. i just checked the system record and i just verified that the system is covered by our corporate business department.

Louie: what i can do is check if there are available chat agents that can assist you. please wait while i do that for you.

bokeen: Fuck. Really? I thought we had a bond, Louie!

bokeen: Don’t go away.

bokeen: Do you even know what ‘BFF’ means?

Louie: as much as i would like to be of help to resolve your issue, the system is covered by a different department so you need to be transfered to get the necessary assistance you needed

bokeen: Okay.

bokeen: But you complete me.

bokeen: You had me at “Thank you for using Dell Chat for Small and Medium Business.”

Louie: Is there anything else I can assist you with before we end this chat?

bokeen: Negative.

bokeen: But I will miss you.

Louie: Thank you for contacting Dell, Have a great day, bye! please stay on the session while i transfer you

bokeen: Warmest regards and whatnot!

Session Transferred to Queue

Session Started with Agent (LIBs_Imeelyn_P_78580)

Imee: Hi! Thank you for contacting Dell. My name is Imee, how may I help you?

bokeen: My laptop gets exceptionally warm.

bokeen: Then it runs slow.

Imee: I’ll be glad to assist you, but before we proceed can you please provide me with your full name and phone number, so I could update our records here?

bokeen: Christ, again?

bokeen: bokeen, 773-202-LUNA

Imee: I do apologize for this protocol. – Thanks very much.

bokeen: ‘Apologize for the protocol?’ Do you work for Starfleet or something?

bokeen: Please don’t tell me that you must obey the Prime Directive.

bokeen: LOL!

bokeen: So why is my shit so incredibly warm?

bokeen: (That’s what she said.)

Imee: No prob bokeen. Just to make sure we are working with the correct system, I see here that we have a Studio 16 – if that’s not the correct system, can I please get the Service tag or express service code of the system we are currently working with?

bokeen: That is correct, I am rocking a Studio 16.

Imee: Thank you, for your info – Now going back to our issue, can you please explain it further…

bokeen: Here’s how it goes:

Imee: When did you start encountering our problem?

bokeen: It is summertime.

bokeen: It gets warm in my apartment.

bokeen: When it gets really warm, my laptop gets hot enough to use it as tool commit arson.

bokeen: Then it runs really slow.

bokeen: Like shit.

Imee: will it shutdown in some point?

bokeen: It happens after about four hours of operating in an environment of greater than 73 degrees.

bokeen: Fahrenheit.

bokeen: Because Celsius is for pussies, you know?

Imee: Do you even hear the fan spinning?

bokeen: It never shuts down. The fan is always spinning.

bokeen: I roll with a docking station. The dock doesn’t get warm, but the computer does.

bokeen: Searing hot.

bokeen: Like the devil’s farts.

Imee: Ok, thank you for that info.

Imee: Let me go ahead and setup an onsite tech service for the system – I’ll be replacing your system’s fan and heatsink assembly.

bokeen: Tits

bokeen: But since we are at it, what can you do about my shitty screen?

bokeen: I have a row a dead pixels.

Imee: What about your screen?

bokeen: The only way to get rid of it is by (gently) tapping the side of the screen.

bokeen: It suck. Totally bush league.

Imee: Was it dropped? – the computer?

bokeen: No. Never. Were you ever dropped?

bokeen: I take care of my shit.

bokeen: Christ.

bokeen: You ask me a question like that – as if I physically abuse my computer.

bokeen: I have a girlfriend for that.

Imee: If the screen issue is affected by movement. It will also need replacement.

Imee: Your system has an active warranty.

bokeen: Fuck, we are gonna rebuild the whole thing?

bokeen: Nice.

bokeen: So my computer is going to be like the Six Million Dollar Man?

bokeen: Or Robocop?

Imee: So I can setup an onsite tech replacement for the defective parts.

bokeen: Tits!

(At this point, the Dell rep asked for my address and times that I would be available to set up an appointment.  I omitted that part because I don’t want you to know where I live, you fucking stalker.)

bokeen: One more thing: what do you like on you pizza?

bokeen: (I want to be a good host when you get here)

Imee: I apologize bokeen. I can provide you a ticket number for this issue.

bokeen: You are writing me a ticket?

bokeen: Fuck, I hope they don’t suspend my license.

bokeen: I have a DUI on my record.

bokeen: LOL!

bokeen: Kidding.

bokeen: About the ticket part, not about the DUI.

bokeen: Brew me up a ticket number and we’ll be done with this charade.

bokeen: I’ve already wasted too much of my time.

Imee: Here’s your case reference number: xxxxxxxxx

Imee: If ever you need further assistance, you may contact us back anytime thru phone dial 1-800-822-8965 or log back in at www.dell.com/chat. Thank you very much for choosing Dell, have a great evening! = B

bokeen: Word.

bokeen: Oh, should I copy and paste pleasantries, too?

bokeen: I will:

bokeen: Thanks for talking the time to chat with me regarding this issue. I look forward to working with you in the future.

Imee: Is there anything else I could help you with?

bokeen: Nope. Not unless you can cure syphilis. Or if you know a Chicago cop that could get me out of my DUI ticket. That would be rad.

bokeen: Other than that, I am good.

bokeen: Thanks, “LIBs_Imee_P_78580.”

bokeen: Whatever the fuck that means.

Imee: Thank you goodbye.

Session Ended

Every single day, I key the word “fuck,” or one of its variants, into my BlackBerry Pearl.  Despite the fact that the phone is equipped with a predictive text system, it consistently suggests the word “duck” when I am attempting to use my favorite four-letter word. 

Each time I type in a word that is not in the default BlackBerry dictionary, it is added to a “custom dictionary” so that the phone will recognize the word in the future.  In the nine months that I have had the phone, my custom dictionary has swollen to contain hundreds of words.  Between typing text messages, emails and notes, and using applications such as TwitterBerry, Google Maps and BlackBerry Messenger, I often use words that the device simply wasn’t trained to recognize.

While browsing the massive list, several notable words stood apart from the rest.  I am happy to present excerpts from the list – my bocabulary.

::

That’s not what I meant.

Aragon
Shortened form of “Aragon Ballroom,” a concert venue on the North Side of Chicago.
From text: “I can’t make it.  I’m at a grossly overpriced bar across the street from the Aragon.”

BYO
Abbreviation for “Bring Your Own,” which indicates that a restaurant does not serve alcoholic beverages, but allows customers to bring their own booze of choice.
From text: “I can’t make it.  We went to a BYO restaurant, so I am fucking tanked.” 

boner
An erect penis.
From Twitter: “Just picked up The Jonas Brothers movie on DVD. I didn’t opt for the extended version…this won’t take long. #MassiveThrobbingBoner”

bromantic
Consisting of or resembling a bromance, a close, non-sexual relationship between two men.
From Twitter: “Working on my screenplay: the world’s first bromantic comedy.”

bullocks
British English slang for “testicles.”  Often used as a less-offensive substitute for the explicative “bullshit.”
From Twitter: “Why are the tops of my beer [sic] gold? ‘Flavor Protector Lid?’ Fucking bullocks, Miller.”

burbs
Shortened form of “suburbs.”
From text: “Can’t make it to the party, I’m stuck in the burbs tonight.  FML.”

Chumbawamba
A couple consisting of two overweight individuals.
From text: “Of course the Chumbawamba was eating.  That’s what it does.”

crotchal
Of or pertaining to the area of the body located between the legs.
From text: “Pick me up lunch or I will kick you in the crotchal region…right in the vag”

depeche
Depressing English band Depeche Mode. 
I have no idea why I would have typed “Depeche;” I find the band utterly intolerable.

doo-doo
Objects resembling, or colored similar to, human feces.  For example, boqueen’s makeup.
From text: “I think you left your doo-doo butter in my car.”

Dyketha
boqueen’s former roommate; a filthy and contemptible waste of flesh.
From text: “Dyketha just got home.  Suddenly, your living room smells like a dumpster.”

ewrecktion
An erect penis that fails to reach its full potential due to the effects of alcohol.  Portmanteau of “erection” and “wrecked.”
From text: “Sorry about last night.  I blame my booze-fueled ewrektion.”

FML
Abbreviation for “Fuck My Life.”
From Twitter: “Just grabbed a can out of the fridge and took a big swig, thinking it was a beer. It was V8. #FML”

Geraci
Chicago bankruptcy lawyer Peter Francis Geraci, who became famous as a television pitchman for “Bankruptcy Info Tapes.” 
From text: “Yeah, I heard about GM.  They should call Peter Francis Geraci.”

Goofus
Comic strip character from children’s magazine Highlights.
From Twitter: “Goofus trims his fingernails while on a conference call. Gallant mutes his phone first.”

hipsters
Member of pseudo counter-culture group of 20-something douchebag clones.
From Twitter: “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of yuppies… (and hipsters).” (Digital prayer as I walked in Chicago’s Wicker Park neighborhood.)

jerrytaft
Twitter username of Chicago weatherman Jerry Taft.
From Twitter: “Outside of the ABC 7 studios, stalking @jerrytaft.  Damn it, Jerry, wave!”

Morpheus
Character played by Laurence Fishburne in the Matrix trilogy of films. 
From Twitter: “Passing through Zion. Morpheus is nowhere to be found.”

Neutron
Chicago slang for an individual that is not affiliated with a street gang.
From Twitter: “Met a nice Hispanic fellow. We shared our respective affiliations. He said ‘Latin King,’ and I said ‘Neutron, please don’t beat me up.’”

shart
Inadvertent defecation during flatulence.  Portmanteau of “shit” and “fart.”
From text: “I hate being lactose intolerant.  The pizza was great, but I nearly sharted on the way home.”

Steinbeck
American Author John Steinbeck, who one Pulitzer Prizes for his novels The Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men.
I have no idea why I would have typed “Steinbeck;” I am not a well-read individual, and I have never even touched a copy of The Grapes of Wrath. 

Teasers
Filthy bar on the North Side of Chicago that is notable for being open until 5:00 AM on weekends.
From text: “Just got home and my clothes smell like Teasers.  FML.”

TNG
Abbreviation for “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” 
From text: “I will call you back later – in the middle of a TNG marathon.” 

Trebek
Alex Trebek, host of the game show Jeopardy. Parodied in Saturday Night Live’s popular Celebrity Jeopardy skits.
From text: “Suck it, Trebek.” 

uvula
The small piece of flesh that hangs down in the back of one’s throat.
From text: “Quit bitching about your hangover.  Put your finger in your throat, flick your uvula until you puke and be done with it.”

whelp
To give birth to.  Used of various carnivores, especially dogs.
From text: “Happy Birthday, Jenn! Can you believe that you were whelped 28 years ago today?”

We live in an era where a large percentage of social interaction has been replaced by pounding away at a plastic keyboard in front of a bright LCD screen.  Millions of users flock to sites such as Twitter, LinkedIn and Adult Friend Finder for their daily fix of social activity.  The most popular of these sites is Facebook, herein referred to as “The Book of Face.”

As recently as last year, a different site was the premier social networking destination.  In April of 2008, The Book of Face unseated chief rival MySpace from the throne.  Web traffic is difficult to accurately measure, but by some accounts, The Book of Face is the fourth most popular destination on the Interwebs.

Two years ago, MySpace profiles were ubiquitous among Americans under the age of 25.   Today, they are a superfluous novelty.  The mere mention of one’s MySpace profile provokes laughter.

“You have a MySpace page? Does it have a sparkly Lil Wayne theme?” 

MySpace serves a diverse clientele.

The Book of Face changed the dynamic of social networking.  Gaudy, slow-loading pages decorated with hundreds of images and background music was replaced by clean, standardized profiles with compartmentalized customizable areas.  Users unknowingly traded their free-form profile pages with CSS style sheets for an extensible open-source platform.

In many ways, the demise of MySpace is somewhat surprising.  After all, The Book of Face lacks MySpace’s unique stalking features, such as the ability to find all teenage girls living within a five mile radius. 

Third-party applications are large part of The Book of Face’s success.  Enterprising developers can easily create applications for the platform.  Popular applications spread like wildfire in true Interwebs fashion. 

As the popularity of The Book of Face increased, the applications became more inane. 

::

Kelly asked me to sign the petition “Tell Petland to STOP Selling Puppies!”  I found this rather confusing, since Petland is a pet store.  Were it a petition to request that flea markets stop selling puppies, or asking Michael Vick to refrain from purchasing puppies, I would be far more interested. 

I was delighted to discover that Kristi completed the quiz “How well do you remember the 80’s?” with the result “Totally 80’s.”  I was quite relieved to learn that Kristi has an accurate recollection of the 80s.  She was born in 1969, so a spotty memory would be indicative of early onset Alzheimer’s disease or extensive drug use during her teenage years.

A stirring passage from The Book of Face.

Dwane sent me a request using an application called “Farm Town.”  Apparently, he gave me a “sheep for my farm in farm town.”  I was touched by Dwane’s generous gift, but I am struggling to rent public storage on the South Side of Chicago which will accept barnyard animals.  Perhaps post an ad on Craigslist would help me find a suitable location.

My friend Jenn recently created a 15-question quiz entitled “How well do you know Jenn Gibson?”  Upon discovering this, I wondered, “Who cares?” 

Joanna invited me to join a group called “Stop the Use of Live Dogs as Shark Bait.”  I was not aware of such an atrocity.  I wondered what breeds of dogs were being used.  I would find it far more acceptable to fish with a poodle than a Labrador retriever.  After all, labs are cute while every poodle was whelped by Satan’s evil bride herself.  Furthermore, sharks are cool.  While I do not own a pet shark, I would assume that an individual with a shark would get top-notch pussy.  I wholly believe that the life of a poodle is a worthy sacrifice for a lifetime of great trim. 

Ben fired at me using the “Water Gun Fight” application.  The notification was peppered with clever exclamatory words, such as “ouch” and “splat” in all caps.  Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to return fire.  Ben’s enthusiasm for such applications earned him banishment from The Book of Face.

When I found out that Derek had “shot 20 friends with a pikachu squirt gun loaded with urine,” I was deeply disturbed, even though I have no idea what that means. 

Later, Derek “creamed me in a food fight.”  Normally, such an occurrence would not bother me, but Derek is wildly homosexual, and being “creamed” is not my thing. 

I was stunned to find that several of my friends had become fans of “Morning Sex” and “Sunny Days.”  To me, the ideal day consists of morning celibacy during a blizzard.  It was quite revealing to discover that my friends have such different tastes than I. 

Many of my friends have also become fans of Eminem, who has more than one million fans.  On the other hand, a character known as “Jesus Christ” has less than 400,000 fans.  To me, this begs the question: will the real lord and savior please stand up? 

::

I have come to appreciate the value of The Book of Face.  It has allowed me to reconnect with several friends from my past; boqueen and I have attended a few great parties as a result.  However, it soon became clear that for many users, the day-to-day usage of The Book of Face represented a meaningless diversion from real life.

Personally, I do not care about your zombie evasion abilities, nor am I concerned with how well you know the village of Gilberts, Illinois.  Such information is incredibly trivial, and I am preoccupied with my attempts to dodge shots from Derek’s gun full of piss. 

Perhaps this sticker could bring peace to the Middle East.

Furthermore, joining a “cause” on The Book of Face is the most apathetic way to promote a cause.    Ones affiliation with a cause on a social networking site has less of an effect on real life than placing a “coexist” bumper sticker on one’s car. 

I politely request that my friends not be offended when I do not accept an invitation to join a meaningless cause or if I do not participate in the latest fad application. 

I am far too busy finding out what Lady Gaga song I am.